Windowlicker.com

  • Images of Michael Jackson are to appear on cans of Pepsi to mark the 25th anniversary of the release...
  • Dora the Explorer has got a little Muslim friend called Doda....
  • I found the off-switch on women. It's in the back of their heads....
  • I came home from the pub four hours late last night....
  • They say 'In space no one can hear you scream'. ...
  • Me and my dad can't play Jenga because of the 9/11 attacks....
  • My wife fell asleep on the sofa. Feeling a little naughty, I took a marker pen and wrote 'World's Wo...
  • Feminism is the belief that both sexes may become equal by focusing solely on one of them....
  • Same shit, different day....
  • I saw my teenage daughter in the local red light district tonight and was in shock....
  • It was typical Bank Holiday weather, blowing a gale and pissing it down....
  • This morning the French people are waking up to a new President....
  • 1 sperm has ~37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means a normal ejaculation represents a data tran...
  • I'm not saying my wife is fat...
  • If I had a penny for everytime someone called me a retard......
  • It seems that every single one of my sexual partners have had epilepsy....
  • When I was a kid I used to wear clothes made out of liquorice....
  • "You are what you eat"...
  • I came home today and shouted "WIFE, PREPARE FOR ANAL DESTRUCTION!!!......
  • I was watching crime watch last night when my wife said, "I'd like to just be able to walk down...
  • I was looking through the dictionary when I saw a nasty looking word....
  • I was in the pub playing snooker when some bloke asked, "What's the hardest thing about playing...
  • After Chelsea's thrashing of QPR 6-1 the FA have dropped all race charges against John Terry....
  • Me and my mate pulled this bird in a club last night, we got her back to my place and after about ha...
  • I phoned my wife at work today....
  • There's been so many accidents at our traffic lights that it came second in Britain in Bloom this ye...
  • CALENDAR FACT: All the seasons are named after coils of metal....
  • I was desperate to lose my virginity so I decided to try my mate's advice and have sex with a waterm...
  • "Oh fuck off!" snapped Jamal. "I'm sick of this, you twat. I don't swing from fucking...
  • I was kicked out of a shop earlier for fucking some dirty hoe up against the wall....
  • Fabrice Muamba's return to the Reebok Stadium last night was greeted with a standing ovation from bo...
  • This pint of Guinness is not only delicious........
  • I was having a quick drink in a quiet pub in town when I spotted a guy, deep into his glass at the e...
  • Showing a new girl round the office, I spotted an Indian colleague....
  • I was watching some kid's TV earlier....
  • According to the X-Box Kinect adverts, I am the controller....
  • I was getting bored while having a shit, so I grabbed a bottle of shampoo and started reading the in...
  • I see Tulisa has been voted the worlds sexiest woman....
  • I surprised my girlfriend during sex the other night with a little move I like to call 'coming home ...
  • Apparently, some watches will work up to the depth of 200 metres. ...
  • A girl just told me I've got a huge ego......
  • I don't understand fast food....
  • Sent a mate on the shop run to get me a Star and a Galaxy...
  • My wife rang me "Quick, come home!" she shouted in a panicked voice, "Some young girl...
  • I let out a really loud fart in the restaurant last night....
  • My parents have gone to India with some friends....
  • I asked the protistute, "How much are you charging then?"...
  • I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing....
  • My wife's body is very saggy these days....
  • I took a girl back to my place last night....
  • I walked into the DIY shop. "Excuse me," I asked, "have you got any 6 inch screws?&qu...
  • I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom. I sprinkled so...
  • I was watching TV when my girlfriend said, "I heard you wanking last night."...
  • I was in the pub with my girlfriend last night when she said, "Can I ask you a question?"...
  • As I followed the girl down the alleyway, I approached her from behind....
  • Whenever I dump a Japanese girl, they act like everything is fine....
  • Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses?...
  • My wife came in complaining that I never lift a finger around the house....
  • It might be the wine talking......
  • I was stood next to a blonde in the pub last night....
  • They say that one in five friends have difficulty sleeping....
  • I didn't take it very well when my girlfriend broke up with me, so I've burned everything that remin...
  • I used to be a fifteen pint a night guy until my doctor told me I had to cut it down by half....
  • I was watching my sexy neighbour through her window while she practised yoga....
  • I was bursting for a piss but my wife was sat on the toilet, so I took aim and pissed into the sink....
  • Rangers FC 2013 Line up - Naismith...
  • 'Hermione, I've got a spell that will let me have sex with you', said Harry teasingly....
  • Good thing nigger rhymes with nigger or Lil Wayne would be out of a job....
  • If I had a pound for every time I thought about my wife,...
  • My son said, "Dad, can I start going ballroom dancing?"...
  • I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation...
  • Somewhere, there's a turf war going on between skeletons and secret gays....
  • They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction....
  • I know it's depressing when you look at your payslip and you see how much tax you are paying, but ju...
  • Suspended Terry can lift trophy, say Uefa....
  • I walked into the pub and the barman said, "Your wife looked quite ravishing last night. Now wh...
  • They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends. ...
  • "You won't like me when I'm angry. ...
  • My Jewish mate has been with his Tourette's suffering girlfriend for years now....
  • My mate set me up on a blind date....
  • If size didn't matter......
  • I glassed some bloke down the pub last night for stepping out of line....
  • I'm sick of having to be "politically correct" all the time. Every race should just pick ...
  • If I was naughty as a kid, my dad would give me the slipper....
  • "Look at our neighbour!" I said to my wife. "He thinks he's so fancy with his new car...
  • I made a sex tape with the wife last night, she took a dildo up her arse then down her throat. ...
  • I was very upset when I received a text from my long term girlfriend :...
  • Me and the wife spent her Birthday in bed, if you know what I mean. ...
  • My Jewish neighbour said, "Do you have any superglue?"...
  • I'm really worried about my Parrot....
  • My sexy neighbour has left her curtains open slightly, so I'm watching her masturbate with my telesc...
  • Apart from Humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a Dolphin....
  • "Jesus loves you."...
  • When I die, I'd like the word 'Humble' to be written...
  • My new girlfriend just said, "After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in e...
  • I've been asked out by a number of sexy women this week....
  • "What would you like?" says the barman....
  • I'll never forget giving Noel Gallagher his first guitar. He said to me, "What's that knob at t...
  • Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital. ...
  • My doctor was checking my balls for any lumps the other day....
  • Warning: This movie 'MAY' contain nudity? ...
  • If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced....
  • I stopped my car beside a prostitute last night....
  • I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back. ...
  • A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed....
  • "I made a new discovery at work today," I said to my wife with a chuckle....
  • A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint....
  • I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go...
  • They say there's more chance of dying on the way to place the lottery, than actually winning....
  • They say there's more chance of dying on the way to place the lottery, than actually winning....
  • Words I want to hear after sex:...
  • Words I want to hear after sex:...
  • I've got some reliable inside information about Apple's next product....
  • I've got some reliable inside information about Apple's next product....
  • I got chatting to a girl in a bar last night and after buying her a drink I said, "I think I sh...
  • I got chatting to a girl in a bar last night and after buying her a drink I said, "I think I sh...
  • My son was ill last night so we called the doctor for a house visit....
  • My mate posted on Facebook: 'Spending the night in with my girl'...
  • My mate posted on Facebook: 'Spending the night in with my girl'...
  • I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night....
  • I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night....
  • I was talking to a fat bird down the pub last night....
  • I was talking to a fat bird down the pub last night....
  • My demented grandad used to sit in his room and stare at himself in the mirror all day....
  • My demented grandad used to sit in his room and stare at himself in the mirror all day....
  • After I won at poker last night, a mate asked, "How come you're so lucky at cards yet so unluck...
  • If I was murdered Eastenders actress Gemma McCluskie's parents, ...
  • Two old men are sat on a bench at the park. A young, fit girl runs past in a sports bra and a tiny p...
  • I was walking down the road when I saw a woman holding a placard that read;...
  • Joseph Kony has taken thousands of children away from their parents in Africa...
  • I'm going on holiday tomorrow so I changed my Facebook status: "I can't wait to get to Las Vega...
  • My driving instructor hates the fact that I'm a porn star....
  • I've got a huge tip for people with lots of rubbish....
  • I came home from work early today and caught my daughter masturbating with a cucumber....
  • In America, flipping the bird means an offensive gesture using your middle finger....
  • I just finished masturbating under the sheet....
  • A man and a woman walk into a bank and ask to see the manager....
  • Today is International Women's Day. ...
  • Well, I'm glad someone has finally brought up this Kony business...
  • What's the difference between Sony and Kony?...
  • My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday....
  • We had my grandad round the other day and he was trying to work out how to use the remote for the te...
  • The innocent children of Africa, their childhoods stolen, ripped from the arms of their crying paren...
  • I've just heard on the radio that the leader of the Monkees has died,...
  • When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,......
  • I saw Subways lunch offer today -...
  • I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen w...
  • A woman knocked on my door last night screaming, "You've got to help me, I've just been raped!&...
  • As a struggling actor I was thrilled when my agent phoned with an audition....
  • I walked up to the counter and said, "One adult and two children, please."...
  • I looked out the window and it was pissing it down....
  • I walked into a florist today and said "I want a bunch of flowers for my wife."...
  • My girlfriend says she wants a guy who is 'funny and spontaneous'...
  • A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox...
  • Arguing with a Christian is like playing chess with a pigeon....
  • My son asked me ''Daddy, what's a wank?''...
  • Torres is averaging 1...
  • Tesco has announced 20k new jobs to be created in the UK. ...
  • After a 30 mile police chase on the M1 yesterday I decided that the best thing to do was to pull ove...
  • A really cool guy fucked a really hot girl....
  • A lifelong Aston Villa fan, I jumped for joy earlier when I glanced at the main football headline of...
  • Asda calls them self checkouts....
  • A workmate of mine recently got divorced and I've noticed he gets upset every time he sees the famil...
  • I got pulled over by a policeman today....
  • My mother smoked constantly when she was pregnant with me...
  • Apparently Whitney had a lesbian fling with another musical diva... ...
  • My wife called me a sexist pig, and accused me of being far too obsessed with football....
  • Heath Ledger, Amy Winehouse, Whitney Houston... Every time you go to the cinema or buy an album, you...
  • What does snooker and the Slave Trade have in common?...
  • The wife just said to me "Right that's it I'm putting you on a sex ban for seven days."...
  • My old gran used to say "You don't miss what you never had"...
  • Was at a dinner party with the wife's friends the other night when the host decided to spice up the ...
  • My dad just told me that he wished I had become more successful....
  • When we first met I would call my wife ''kitten'' and she turned out to be a tiger in bed....
  • Waffle iron. Does that sound the perfect present for a woman or what....
  • Luis Suarez has apologised for not shaking hands with Evra....
  • "Okay, that'll be 20p," said the cashier as he scanned my Freddo....
  • My wife just called me....
  • Knock knock..........
  • They say Abu Qatada has to be released because he hasn't broken any rules in England....
  • I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning. ...
  • Seeing Man Utd on Channel 5 is a bit like seeing my daughter in a porno....
  • 'It's not right, but it's okay'...
  • Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist. ...
  • I wasn't concentrating while driving this morning and crashed into a 'Stop' sign. I got out of the c...
  • What's pink and sits on the doormat?...
  • Whitney Houston died doing what she did best....
  • "The Police were unable to revive Whitney Houston"...
  • So the Aaron Ramsey goal curse strikes again, every time he scores someone dies very quickly... firs...
  • A full day of Whitney Houston on MTV....
  • So Luis Suarez has refused to shake Patrice Evra's hand at the recent Man U - Liverpool game......
  • I've just invented a bird proof lid for milk bottles.....
  • Such a shame. I was even having a wank over Whitney when I found out she was dead. It made me cry an...
  • "Bobby Brown breaks down after hearing news of Whitney."...
  • What's black, lies on the floor, "Will Always Love You" and has white stuff around it's no...
  • Whitney Houston to star in her new film...
  • I've dedicated my life to getting under age prostitutes off the streets....
  • Whitney Houston died just hours after being asked to be a judge on the next season of X-Factor. ...
  • I'm going to see The Ghost Rider tonight. ...
  • "My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Feli...
  • I've just been into Anne Summers to buy my wife some valentines gifts....
  • I was talking to a blonde woman in the pub last night and she didn't believe me when I said, "I...
  • Turns out that smashing a stake through a vampire's heart works...
  • When moths die do they hear a voice telling them to fly into the light?...
  • It's claimed Macaulay Culkin's health problems are linked to a difficult childhood. ...
  • I went out for a drink with my dad. "What are you having son?" he asked me....
  • The Bank of England has announced another round of 'quantitative easing', this time printing £...
  • My wife came home with two black eyes today. ...
  • As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this sexy blonde in a short skirt, I couldn'...
  • I won £500 on a radio competition this morning....
  • My girlfriend came and sat next to me on the sofa looking miserable....
  • I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by f...
  • My wife thinks that I sneak out at night to smoke weed and get stoned, because my eyes are always bl...
  • When the Ku Klux Klan have a party...
  • I put ham and pineapple into a bap today....
  • What's white and carries a bucket of water on their head?...
  • What's worse than walking in on your teenage daughter being fucked?...
  • Just saw this car advert in the local paper....
  • Let's get one thing clear....
  • My mum asked, "Lee, why do you lend everyone money even though they are not your friends?"...
  • What do we want?...
  • Kurt Cobain killed himself one month after Justin Bieber was born.....
  • *Food hits floor*...
  • I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"...
  • What sort of person would go out for the evening leaving a young girl at home alone?...
  • After putting on 3 pairs of socks, 6 jumpers, 6 pairs of trousers, 5 woolly hats, 4 scarfs, 2 thick ...
  • John Terry was asked about losing the captain's armband....
  • The good thing about Hollyoaks is you can miss a few episodes and...
  • During one of our lessons I asked the children what their fathers did for a living....
  • I've always been told its not rape if you yell surprise first....
  • "I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!"...
  • My girlfriend called me last night....
  • I'm so proud of my African pen friend....
  • My son was sick all over the pub on his 18th last night....
  • Did you hear about the Dyslexic boy who cried "fowl."...
  • I saw a Queen tribute act last night....
  • It must be very hard to prove that Viagra works....
  • I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed....
  • My dad once said to me, "Son, if you throw enough shit, eventually some will stick"....
  • Katie Price claims that she has been with less than 10 men. Personally...
  • My girlfriend phoned me at work today....
  • A wise old man said to me earlier, "You should question everything in life."...
  • I was teaching my son how to play chess today....
  • My wife called the doctor out this morning after I complained of chest pains....
  • Bob is unemployed and applies for a job as a janitor at Microsoft. A manager at Human Resources inte...
  • Democracy: Where any two idiots outvote a genius....
  • I said to my housemate, "Wanna hear a joke?"...
  • As I blew my daughter a kiss at the school gates, one of the other fathers looked at me in disgust. ...
  • My calculator is missing the minus button but...
  • I had phone sex last night......
  • The third rule of Fight Club is to have fun and try your best....
  • What do you call the phobia of black people?...
  • "So, how's life in North Korea?"...
  • My penis is so polite...
  • How school works:...
  • My girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't affect our sex life....
  • As soon as women see me...
  • How come African people have no money to provide clean water and education...
  • When I sat my 12 year old daughter down and asked her if she knew how she had got pregnant, she said...
  • My mate told me he has sex on average, just over 3 times a week....
  • I went fishing at the weekend and there was this bloke splashing about in the middle of the lake sho...
  • Some of these Scousers will do anything to get on the TV, racially abusing Patrice Evra at Anfield, ...
  • I use the kids as a way to start conversations with women....
  • I saw my ex girlfriend walking towards me in the high street today. Not wanting to stop & chat t...
  • Why did the Paki cross the road?...
  • John Terry won't be facing trial for Racial Abuse until after Euro2012....
  • Wife "My gynocolgist told me no sex for 2 weeks."...
  • Who will take the second shot in this snooker game? ...
  • My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged for being ...
  • My wife just called me....
  • My wife has got this really annoying habit of coming home from work every day....
  • These winter months are so depressing....
  • "Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?"...
  • I always give my girlfriend a warning signal thirty seconds before I'm going to come....
  • The Ku Klux Klan are bringing out a TV show of all their funniest home videos....
  • My wife couldn't believe it when I got arrested for masturbating in a public place....
  • I was chatting up a girl I'd just met....
  • When I'm angry, I count to ten before talking to my wife again....
  • So I went to buy some condoms earlier and said to the cashier, 'These are for my 12 year old son.'...
  • Just been on bigbustycoons.com...
  • I for one can't wait to see the TV adverts that abortion clinics are now allowed to make: ...
  • Virgin Broadband...
  • I had no idea time zones were so far apart......
  • I was so pissed off after arguing with my wife last night....
  • I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced years ago...
  • I turned up at Dragon's Den earlier in full armour with a broadsword....
  • I write my mistresses' phone numbers on the rear view mirror....
  • I took my 12-year-old son camping at the weekend....
  • I felt like a fool when I bought Amy Winehouse tickets for my daughter and then remembered that she ...
  • The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too...
  • I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile....
  • Scientist - My findings are pointless when taken out of context....
  • I've just found a Christmas present for my daughter in the loft....
  • You know, some women would be over the moon to be woken up on their birthday with flowers, a lovely ...
  • What's the similarity between free healthcare and good jokes?...
  • I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet. ...
  • We're so skint that I had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys to help pay for Christmas....
  • My wife said, "Bob Holness is dead."...
  • "Wow,exactly as I left it!"- Thiery Henry on seeing Arsenal's trophy cabinet....
  • "Dad, what is a white lie?" my son asked....
  • Liverpool FC are frantically searching for the man who racially abused Tom Adeyemi so they can get h...
  • Barack Obama has announced that US defence spending will be cut to $660 billion a year, meaning that...
  • I got a massive buzz when I robbed the Toy Story factory....
  • So I was playing Skyrim, the dragon roared at me, I ignored it and carried on. ...
  • Whenever I listen to Dizzee Rascal, I put a nappy on, climb into a pram and shit myself....
  • I just had some chick come up to me and ask, "Why do guys make more money an hour to do the exa...
  • I think I might be going to jail......
  • My New Year's resolutions are:...
  • I've just broken two things with one punch....
  • 1st January 2012...
  • The other day my girlfriend told me I had an unhealthy obsession with Jeremy Clarkson....
  • Why do they take organs from pigs and give them to humans?...
  • My last girlfriend, what an asshole. ...
  • As the news of Katy Perry's divorce filtered through, I couldn't help but think,...
  • Why did the firework cross the road? ...
  • Doctors have released the reason behind the Duke of Edinburgh's heart attack....
  • It was 2012 in Europe whilst it was still 2011 in America....
  • I went to a party last night. I thought I looked pretty smart, but some Jewish cunt said, "The ...
  • I used to play Skyrim....
  • New Year's resolution- Date more models....
  • I said to my parents, "Mum, Dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on."...
  • I bought my son a puppy for Christmas, but I've just accidentally killed him with my car as I revers...
  • One Direction's Zayn Malik has vowed to ditch the fags....
  • If my wife has got 6 oranges in one hand and 6 apples in the other hand, what has she got?...
  • Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light distr...
  • If you ask me, people who harm children should be strangled at birth....
  • It's a good job Apple isn't in charge of New Year. ...
  • I phoned my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough....
  • How do you start a rave in Africa?...
  • At the start of the exam, the invigilator says, "You have exactly 2 hours. I will not accept an...
  • I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig. ...
  • Gaddafi, Bin Laden and Kim Jong Il have all died this year. ...
  • Granny knot, surgeon's knot, hangman's knot, square knot....
  • Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank...
  • I spotted a fat chick giving it large on the dance floor in the club last night, so I went over....
  • What bounces and makes kids cry?...
  • Africans have the best drinking games....
  • I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like...
  • Apparently Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm....
  • People can be so easy to read. Like if their face is red...
  • I love this time of year...
  • The first rule of Thesaurus Club is...
  • Grab your taco, you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican....
  • I went for a job at the navy and the officer says to me...
  • Why did the semen cross the road?...
  • This Christmas naughty children will be getting some Euros instead of that expensive lump of coal....
  • I was just enjoying a wank when some woman popped up and said, "Find local girls in your area&q...
  • My wife asked me if we can have something more 'Christmassy' on the television....
  • Warning to all men: women are using date rape drugs called blowjobs to lure men into scams called re...
  • "Can you tie a knot?"...
  • Me and my mate arrived at a sex club where every fantasy is catered for:...
  • Did you realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be h...
  • I've just had one of those signs pop up saying, 'You are the 100,000th visitor today - claim your pr...
  • I've nicknamed my penis 'Elbow'....
  • "I don't want to talk about it" is girl code for "I'd like to argue about this for a ...
  • It's hard enough having a son with Down's syndrome, but mine also has OCD....
  • I saw a female truck driver swerve through traffic, cutting up other road users before smashing into...
  • I really regret subscribing to a sado-masochistic text chat service. ...
  • I got slapped by the new girl at work today. I only asked if she spits or swallows....
  • Caroline Flack said that her One Direction boyfriend Harry styles is really good in bed!...
  • I've just lost the money for my wife's epilepsy prescription in the bookies....
  • My blonde girlfriend said, "I think the man that invented the clock is a genius!"...
  • Last night I was at a pub when suddenly a fight broke out. This one guy picked up a chair and tried ...
  • I saw a fat bird down the pub, her T-shirt said - Watch out, I'm a maneater!...
  • I fell asleep on my first night working for the Samaritans, funny, when I woke I had 26 missed calls...
  • Why did they introduce women into the police force?...
  • Rising numbers are on the increase....
  • My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school....
  • I was walking to work when an old guy summoned me over to a garden....
  • I never give money to Big Issue sellers or Cancer Research collectors....
  • The X Factor is a lot like sex; if there's no Risk then there's no need for a Johnny....
  • How come all the hot girls in my area always want to chat when I'm watching a film?...
  • A neighbour of mine has been sent to prison for having inappropriate images...
  • This is definitely the worst night of the year to have to send up a distress flare....
  • The bra section. The only place in the world where you fail if you get an A....
  • My wife asked, "Does my bum look big in this?"...
  • I have a mate who has seen every episode of Top Gear 137 times. ...
  • What has two wings and a halo?...
  • As I watched an old lady struggling to keep her balance whilst crossing the road with her shopping -...
  • On the eve of bonfire night, firemen came into my work and told us what to do in case our clothes ca...
  • A stunning blonde approached me in the club last night....
  • November 5th....
  • Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, the teacher was concerned and asked, "What's ...
  • I got so sick of the trick or treaters that I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in....
  • I opened my front door earlier to a bunch of hyper kids. They started screaming:...
  • You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? ...
  • I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but the toilet was out of order, so I ju...
  • I walked into work and said to my boss, "Sorry I'm a few minutes late, my sister was raped this...
  • Drugs don't ruin your career....
  • Tonight I saved a woman from the shame of prostitution....
  • Justin Bieber: "Judge me on my music, not malicious rumours!"...
  • There's nothing worse than walking in on your mum having a shit....
  • I used to work for a Jewish carpenter....
  • I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight...
  • A young lad knocked on the door last night and said "Trick or Treat?"...
  • As a child there is nothing more embarrassing than your mum going topless on holiday....
  • My mate told me he found a great 80s porn site......
  • 6:31pm. My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with Big Brother....
  • Sir Jimmy Savile died just two days away from his 85th birthday....
  • I said to my mate, "I saw my mum and dad having sex this morning. It's the 4th time I've seen t...
  • When I was younger, my dad's suicide attempt hit me hard....
  • My next door neighbour is always doing me sexual favours....
  • I was boning the wife yesterday....
  • It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence...
  • To neigh or not to neigh....
  • My wife came in moaning,...
  • I passed a stunning blonde on my way home through the park last night....
  • My wife loves to re-enact porn films....
  • I hear there's a man going around, stealing all the coffee from the poor. ...
  • The Gunpowder Plot has been described as the 9/11 of its day....
  • I took my time machine on the second series of Dragons Den but nobody would invest as they didn't be...
  • Adoption jokes - ...
  • I'm thinking of getting my boss a watch....
  • I was pushing my Nephew around in the park yesterday and he was screaming and crying,...
  • I remember being told that everytime you shave it off, it grows back thicker....
  • The last time I saw Man United fans get fucked this bad...
  • Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked....
  • I'll never forget the day I met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party. She was stood there, lookin...
  • One day the Pope was walking down an Italian road, when he spotted a black magic shop in an alleyway...
  • Police marksmen covering disturbances at Dale Farm, were required to open fire three times....
  • All the Man United players look pretty upset...
  • I didn't know this at the time but, when I was a teenager, my big sister used to stash cocaine in he...
  • I just can't seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently....
  • So Carlos Tevez plans to sue his boss Roberto Mancini....
  • "I can't fucking believe it," I screamed, running into the delivery suite. "The baby ...
  • When people with lisps say "Bithneth"...
  • "One man's rubbish is another man's treasure" is an awesome phrase...
  • There's no "I" in team but there are 5 in individual brilliance....
  • "It's been proven that 9 out of 10 single women who sit at home and have conversations with the...
  • Riots have flared up in Italy now...
  • I've just seen a girls Facebook status:...
  • Why don't black people go on cruises?...
  • I travel the land,...
  • My son died due to childhood obesity....
  • My wife thinks our sex life has got boring and I'm easily distracted....
  • I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents. We had a lovely evening and, after she'd gone, my ...
  • My boss phoned me today....
  • I saved my mistress' phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'....
  • My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now!...
  • I saw a good looking woman today, with a pushchair....
  • I haven't had sex for about 1 year, 4 months, 24 days and 56 minutes. ...
  • My young daughter asked me this morning....
  • I've just had a shit that was that big it touched the water before breaking off....
  • I bet you £567...
  • I was sat at a red light in my car when this nigger pulled up next to me and started revving his eng...
  • I was having a lovely sleep earlier until some inconsiderate cunt decided to bounce off my windscree...
  • If you ever see a banana skin on the floor, be aware of the danger!...
  • Was walking in the Tesco entrance earlier to get my weekly shopping, when I read their motto, 'Why P...
  • Today I realised that I had succeeded as a father...
  • A bird grabbed my cock and said,...
  • To stick with the family tradition, Dora had no choice but to become an explorer....
  • Guinness. ...
  • My wife walked into the bedroom as I was shagging a bird last night....
  • I was stumbling down the road after a skinful after work when a police car pulled up beside me. ...
  • I got a job as a bounty hunter in China....
  • A sexy young girl approached me in the club last night....
  • I've always stood up for black people....
  • Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand.........
  • I reached my hands round my wife in bed last night and started groping at her breasts....
  • On this day, every year, I light a candle to mark the date of my wife's death....
  • So New York has built a 'Park in the sky' then?...
  • My wife opened her birthday present and as she held it in her hands she said, " This is nice bu...
  • It's been reported that Paul McCartney is to marry for the third time today....
  • I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester yesterday. ...
  • An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub ......
  • Me: "Why do some women orgasm during rape ?"...
  • So the Cathedral City founder has been arrested for throwing eggs at a neighbours car at his own hou...
  • This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier....
  • I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in....
  • What's the difference between cancer and a black man?...
  • I saw a girl walking down the street that I fucked years ago, so I ran up behind her, covered her ey...
  • Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did...
  • Pioneer of Apple dies....
  • A black police officer stopped me in the street today....
  • Err, the new iPhone looks the same....
  • Steve Jobs isn't really dead...
  • You can bet Steve Jobs' funeral won't be a flash affair....
  • Hitler wasn't such a bad guy. ...
  • What's black and sleeps with my daughter?...
  • The plan to get my dog to swallow semen is coming on a treat....
  • I was at the doctor's the other day having a prostate examination when he said, "Oh my God!&quo...
  • I was clearing out my late German Grandfather's closet and decided to give all his old clothes to th...
  • Some woman knocked on my door earlier and said that she had lost her dog....
  • A Chinese man has died in a river in Beijing....
  • I was telling a guy at work how useless I am with the ladies, and how I had to stand on a chair to k...
  • When I was 15 I was on the sex offenders' register....
  • I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up....
  • BBC news: Solution to evicted Gypsies from Dale farm could cost government £12 million....
  • Little Johnny is asked by his teacher: "What is the most wonderful thing in life for you?"...
  • As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air....
  • I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects...
  • My Welsh mate was found dead yesterday. ...
  • I burst into a hotel I was passing with a young girl over my shoulder last night....
  • Daily Telegraph: "33% of Londoners must work from home during Olympics to avoid tube chaos"...
  • I've decided to stop wearing my glasses....
  • I've just seen a poo that had teeth-marks!...
  • My wife is leaving me for a rich rock star, and they're going to cruise around the world on his Yama...
  • I had a dizzy spell at work today....
  • I've just bought the Chelsea FC 2012 calendar, but it seems a little explicit to me. ...
  • I hate PornHub....
  • I've been married to my wife ten years today....
  • I said to my son, "Where you going?"...
  • My much loved dear brother, David, God bless him, was in the twin towers on 9/11, he left behind two...
  • "Knock knock."...
  • My girlfriend is due in 2 weeks....
  • My wife said I was sex mad and bet me that I couldn't go a week without wanking....
  • Why did the anorexic cross the road?...
  • The wife came down the stairs the other day, all tarted up for my work's family function....
  • The UK and US went all out to commemorate the 9/11 attacks yesterday, ten years on....
  • I called my girlfriend who had a big test today, "How's the studying going darling?" I ask...
  • My girlfriend dumped me saying I don't live up to her black ex boyfriend,...
  • 'BBC News: Adele up for Mercury prize.'...
  • What do you call a man with a tower on his head?...
  • I no longer see my wife and kids and it's all because of gambling....
  • I nearly got hit by a woman driving a car this morning, but luckily I jumped out of the way just in ...
  • There should be a TV show where people have to pass a round of singing before competing to see who h...
  • They say so many people die because of alcohol......
  • I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night....
  • How many niggers does it take to start a riot?...
  • My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"...
  • BBC News: Obama says 9/11 made US stronger....
  • The Discovery Channel are to start filming a new reality TV show, in which 4 groups of men trawl aro...
  • There's always a gullible fat kid at school, who gets his Lego model knocked down by the class bully...
  • I was walking home through the park this evening, when I heard a female voice screaming for help. Na...
  • I always cry after sex....
  • I love that the X Factor is back....
  • What's with this vajazzle stuff? In my day a cunt covered in jewellery was called Mr T....
  • On the 10th anniversary of 9/11 the National Dyslexic Association are proud to support America's War...
  • When I got up at 3am last night...
  • My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"...
  • Gareth Bale becomes the first white player to complain to FIFA due to opposition fan's monkey chants...
  • I saw a bloke being completely henpecked by his girlfriend on The Jeremy Kyle Show....
  • The reason why we won World Wars I and II:...
  • What do sharks have in common with people?...
  • I handed my wife a pair of sunglasses and said, "You'll need them tomorrow."...
  • I used to hate eating my greens as a kid....
  • The Guardian: 'Woman jailed for driving wrong way down motorway'...
  • I've quit my new job as a postman....
  • Never mind Rob Earnshaw, you were close....
  • BBC News : Capello admits England were lucky...
  • I walked out of a club with a girl last night....
  • What did the letter O say to Q?...
  • I went to church and sat in the confession box, then spoke regretfully of how I had committed terrib...
  • I went to a feminist picnic the other day....
  • I cried myself to sleep every night for ten years until I found out that some cunt had stuffed my pi...
  • I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny an...
  • I was watching the news with my wife last night. "It looks like the Kaiser Chiefs were right,&q...
  • My ex-girlfriend is like a stick insect....
  • I was carefully examining my tomato plants looking for caterpillar tracks....
  • "Let's order some Chinese."...
  • "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I told a lie just to earn some money."...
  • Fuck me if I'm wrong...
  • Where do women pee? ...
  • Wife: Hi, did you eat?...
  • I was just viewing a woman's profile on a dating website:...
  • I went on Dragons Den with my landmine clearing device....
  • Every girl is beautiful...
  • My Doctor said that my heavy drinking was making me Paranoid, "So when did you have your last d...
  • As I sat on the flight I heard the stewardess shout, "Is there a doctor on the plane?"...
  • BBC SPORT: Kilmarnock interested in Belgian defender Mark de Man....
  • After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back....
  • I had some time to kill yesterday....
  • Why do men twist their wedding rings?...
  • I started chatting to this plump girl in a bar. ...
  • The missus came home steaming drunk last night. "You up for some role play action, babe?" ...
  • I started chatting to this girl on the net yesterday....
  • My wife keeps complaining about her nine to five job....
  • Son comes into room at night "Daddy, there's a monster in my room."...
  • My Great Granddad shot sixteen Frenchmen at Waterloo....
  • Tim Cook in charge of Apple? Wait for the headlines.......
  • My son just said, "Dad, can you tell me what gay means?"...
  • My daughter walked into our bedroom last night to catch us having sex....
  • Did you know that when we're first conceived we're all genetically female?...
  • I won a tidy sum on the lottery and gave my homeless brother a new home....
  • A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously....
  • BBC News: Three girls, 15, raped in flats....
  • I'd love to have seen my neighbour's face when she saw my dick....
  • I said, "I'm working late tonight so I won't be home until about midnight"...
  • My dick's like Pizza Hut......
  • As my fianceé walked gracefully down the aisle, every head turned and watched the trail of wh...
  • My little brother just told me his GCSE results...
  • I got back to my block of flats to find a large crowd gathered outside. I rang my flatmate and said,...
  • I walked in to a pub toilet earlier, the guy next to me said "I'm so drunk I'm pissing tequila&...
  • Me and a mate were standing in a club....
  • I sucked the hamster up into the vacuum cleaner this morning....
  • What do you call a robot that wears shit clothes?...
  • Saw a chameleon today. ...
  • "Dear, why are there broken condoms on our couch?"...
  • My mate said, "I like your car."...
  • A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time....
  • I was standing there, hands trembling, my wife due home from work any time now... I reached for my y...
  • To help calm my fear of flying, my friend told me that there is more chance of dying from slipping o...
  • I took a girl back to my flat....
  • A girl came up to me in the club and said, "I haven't had a cock for nearly two weeks now."...
  • Marriage: Betting someone half your shit that you'll love them forever....
  • "Gud luk 2 evry1 gettin ther resultz 2moro"...
  • My racist jokes are getting a lot of dislikes today....
  • Ironically, in exactly a year's time in London, there will be hundreds of blacks running about tryin...
  • When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me....
  • An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman......
  • Bloody Nokia predictive text...
  • My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"...
  • It was my mate's funeral this week. He was always a practical joker, and fair play, he made us laugh...
  • A girl came up to me in a bar - short skirt, tits like ripe fruit, hair in a pony tail. "What w...
  • Wow, Amy Winehouse is dead....
  • After nearly breaking my neck on a pair of bright pink roller skates on the stairs, I shouted at my ...
  • So, Maddie's parents are 'confident the child spotted in India isn't Maddie'....
  • Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse's funeral with a beautiful rendition of Candle Under The Sp...
  • When I saw all the niggers rioting on Tottenham high street I knew I had to find somewhere safe to h...
  • My mate just said to me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"...
  • Got back from my holidays to find my newspapers ripped to bits by the dog,...
  • I was in North London this morning and I saw a bloke in a wheelchair. I said to him, "What happ...
  • Wow the new planet of the apes trailer is amazing!...
  • I buy all my furniture and bathroom fittings from the local Chinese restaurant. ...
  • Two patrols cars set on fire in Tottenham....
  • Shocking scenes this morning on Sky News of the Tottenham Riots....
  • Americans are great at understanding sarcasm....
  • I was watching the women's golf earlier. They couldn't drive but...
  • I was outside a French restaurant when a couple came up to me and said, "Avez-vous une table po...
  • I'm hosting an African-themed party tonight....
  • My girlfriend and I went for a walk across a frozen lake last December whilst holidaying in Greenlan...
  • You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom....
  • Welcome to the Dragons' Den, where we welcome new Dragon, Hilary Devey, who made her millions in the...
  • As my mouth slowly started to fill up with another man's cum I made a mental note to myself......
  • Four kids badly mauled and one eaten alive in Norway before they managed to shoot the polar bear....
  • My wife just saw a news article 'World's oldest person' dies at 114'...
  • What do you get when you cross a polar bear with an Eton schoolboy?...
  • My wife told me that her fantasy fuck would be Brad Pitt....
  • Give an African a fish and he will eat for a day...
  • Imagine winning £161 million in the lottery, you could buy anything you ever wanted....
  • My wife caught me sniffing my dirty boxers whilst masturbating....
  • Protractors....
  • There were five of us in court, waiting for our cases to be called when suddenly, two police officer...
  • After shagging a fat chick whilst I was drunk the next morning I said to her, "Here, if you wan...
  • My local McDonald's has free Wi-Fi...
  • How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?...
  • I was hiding in the bushes spying and wanking over my neighbour sunbathing topless. I looked over my...
  • I have just bought myself a few Poland football shirts....
  • Since there are more Chinese people than any other race on Earth...
  • I was in London today and jumped into a black cab. I said, "Waterloo, mate."...
  • I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"...
  • Just enjoyed a nice glass of Stella Artois Cidre and it's really put me in the mood to battre my wif...
  • What's Islam and a sat-nav got in common?...
  • Daily Mail: 'Kate Middleton: I want to start a family - See page 3.'...
  • My wife's been complaining for hours about toothache. She's been going on and on about the pain, and...
  • BBC News: Rioters throw petrol bomb in Northern Ireland....
  • I'm so homophobic I devised a way of wanking without touching my own knob....
  • I was in the queue in Tesco and the woman in front was joined by her mum with another basket of shop...
  • I just finished watching a Muslim-gangster film...
  • All our P.E. teacher said was, "Until I get back from the toilet, I want you lot to jump up and...
  • If you find a shell at the seaside...
  • Walking round the house naked is all fun and games until you remember your Nan is visiting for the w...
  • I can't believe that the womens world cup quarter final match against france has gone into extra tim...
  • After watching The Jeremy Kyle show and hearing him constantly say "put something on the end of...
  • Every once in a while I stop and think, "I know you can read my thoughts."...
  • I was asked to go down the morgue to identify my son's body today....
  • Tomorrow's front page of the final News of the World reads: "Thank you and goodbye."...
  • The world's newest country was formed today. ...
  • I won't be getting involved in any fundraising for the famine victims of East Africa....
  • I went to the Harry Potter premiere and gave Emma Watson a broomstick....
  • I've only just heard about what's been going on at the News of the World, and I can honestly say I a...
  • My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night......
  • News of the World journalists have said that they have made today's edition of the paper the best in...
  • So Harry Potter finally defeats He Who Must Not Be Named in this new film?...
  • Feels weird to be handcuffed during sex....
  • I just caught a frog in my lawnmower. It was really messy and the fucking squeal was something I'd n...
  • I think there's something on TV tonight about immigrants in the UK......
  • I've just watched the uncut version of Scarface....
  • Had to laugh. My spunk receptacle says I don't show her any respect....
  • DVLA advert "The rules on car insurance have changed, we can tell if your car is not insured&qu...
  • Shameless is on TV tonight....
  • I said, "Grandma, what do you want for your birthday?"...
  • Whiskers... 8 out of 10 Muslim women prefer them....
  • Vanish- 'The UK's Number 1 Stain Remover'...
  • When it comes to the girlfriend and me...
  • I just got back from a holiday in China...
  • Wow, who saw that coming? Harry Potter and the News of the World...
  • I was devastated this morning when the doctor confirmed my wife had a life ending tumor....
  • When I read the headline...
  • Yahoo News: What can be done to save Daybreak? ...
  • "Dad, how do you feel about abortions?"...
  • How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?...
  • I hacked into Piers Morgan's mobile yesterday and listened to his messages. Bit of a waste of time r...
  • I'm going to buy a copy of the News of the World this Sunday....
  • A muslim guy came into my restaurant, so I went over to him and said "Here mate, have this baco...
  • BBC news: "Illegally downloading pirated films is costing hundreds of millions of pounds a year...
  • Just lost my job as a personal shopper in a major department store. A woman asked me "What type...
  • Emma Watson at the Harry Potter Premier: "Thanks to everyone who came."...
  • A woman jumped in the back of my taxi. She said, "If you can get me to the other side of town i...
  • I've just tried to woo a girl at the bus stop, but she wasn't interested....
  • What's the difference between David Haye and my wife?...
  • BBC News: "3 Cliff Walkers Fall to Their Death"...
  • I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when sh...
  • I was stood at the bar last night, when this girl came up beside me....
  • I phoned the Premature Ejaculation hotline....
  • I'm so homophobic that I wank with my eyes closed....
  • I watched as my wife sat sobbing on the sofa earlier....
  • I was so turned on to see my wife licking her own cunt, I had a wank whilst she moaned and groaned....
  • My cheating ex-girlfriend was called Tulsa....
  • They say you can't get away with murder...
  • I'm trying to write a book....
  • Being dyslexic, I find it difficult to keep my finances under control....
  • Typical Americans...
  • It's so quiet down at the local mosque that you can hear a pin drop....
  • Happy Independence day America!,...
  • As I crushed the painkillers and poured them into a glass of vodka, I looked at a picture of my wife...
  • I want to make a complaint to the News of the World, but I don't know how....
  • Victoria Beckham gave birth to the Beckham's first daughter today weighing just 5lb 2 oz....
  • News Update: ...
  • I had Stephen Hawking over for dinner....
  • What is Stephen Hawking's favourite cream?...
  • I thought wanking really did send you blind....
  • How many Africans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?...
  • "Give us an E, mate."...
  • So I hear Thailand has its first female Prime Minister....
  • I was going to tell a decent joke...
  • ITV next week: Babies Behind Bars......
  • I think I should get half of David Haye's purse....
  • Today I told my girlfriend, "You're just like KFC."...
  • Those that say 'As one door closes...
  • Funny how the womens wimbledon trophy is a plate,...
  • My girlfriend's like a parking ticket. She's got "fine" written all over her....
  • Sometimes I watch football holding an xbox controller just to screw with my mums head...
  • I like to do a bit of after dinner speaking....
  • I got ripped off by a ticket tout last night...
  • The atmosphere at the Women's World Cup was intense....
  • I'm planning a camping holiday but...
  • I gave my sister away at her wedding....
  • In the news: Significant drop in drink driving deaths...
  • I'm going to invent a saying about yoghurts....
  • "Awww"...
  • As the wife shut the front door behind her, I went into our bedroom and slipped on a pair of her kni...
  • I'd hate to go to work on a Saturday....
  • My tailor has stitched the bottom of my trousers the wrong way around....
  • Everything happened in slow motion as I watched, rooted to the spot, while my wife slipped, stumbled...
  • I made my girlfriend's wishes come true and we got married in a castle....
  • A bloke said to me yesterday, "Hey, we should get together soon."...
  • No matter how good a woman in a porn movie is at sucking cock, when a guy is about to come over her ...
  • Oh Jesus...Oh sweet merciful Jesus...Got home early from work tonight and walked in on my son watchi...
  • I was on holiday in Spain when my mate phoned me....
  • I would like my wife to be more like our pet dog:...
  • Fair play to Andy Murray, he really asked some questions of Nadal today....
  • As I was pushing my wheelchair-bound son along the river bank, some men came past on a rowing boat a...
  • Watching the Women's World Cup reminded me of when I was first learning the controls to FIFA....
  • "How to solve Africa's contaminated water problem."...
  • No matter how hard I try, I can't understand why people drop gum in urinals....
  • My boss called me in his office today....
  • My son waddled in, "We had P.E today," he panted, his chubby face sweating. "They mad...
  • I was working late when I got a call from the wife....
  • The wife was so smug, "Call me the brains of the family from now on!" she said, "I've...
  • Everytime I walk past a punk I can't help asking if he feels lucky today....
  • Sky broadband is so shit I'm surprised they don't call it Wi-Tri....
  • My mum just sent me a text saying, "Dad's not well, tb."...
  • 'Tampax Pearl: Outsmart mother nature'...
  • It's true what they say about once you try black, you never go back....
  • I went to the bank today to ask for a loan....
  • My new girlfriend said I have to wait 6 months before we have sex....
  • Don't you find it awkward recommending a film to your parents and watching it with them, not remembe...
  • Just saw that yogurt advert for perle de lait. It says 'pleasure makes you beautiful'....
  • I feel like a prisoner in my own home....
  • I just caught my son taking ecstasy tablets....
  • Yahoo News: "Hair Fetishist Facing Life In Jail For Murder"...
  • BBC News: "Teachers all across Britain are holding a strike tomorrow regarding recent payment c...
  • It was my first day as a traffic officer, so I was delighted to pull someone up for speeding. I casu...
  • Just when I thought FIFA couldn't become any more of a laughing stock they move England up to fourth...
  • All of the Hearts players have a choice of what number they want on their shirt next season....
  • My friends decided on Saturday night to have a Wimbledon-themed party....
  • A ginger guy pulled a gun on me in a deserted alley the other day. Terrified, I offered him my wall...
  • Apparently the Korean leader Kim Jong Il has passed away....
  • Johnny Cash....
  • The wife was at work when our new bed was delivered. Finally she came home, wandered round and bounc...
  • My daughter had sex education yesterday...
  • Why is it okay for my beef to be 100% British...
  • "I'm sick of you teasing me about my weight," my wife snapped as she walked out the door....
  • "All we do is argue, we need to learn to get on," my wife said. "So let's try and sp...
  • A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence....
  • I tape microwave popcorn to the ceiling. ...
  • Ronseal, does exactly what it says on the tin....
  • There are two types of people I hate in this world;...
  • If there are any guitarists here who want to know the secret to making their instrument sound better...
  • I have the biggest dick I've ever seen....
  • Sick humour isn't Adele's cup of cake....
  • I was on a blind date with a girl last night. She said, "You seem like a nice guy. How come you...
  • BBC News: Rare Picasso sells for £106 million....
  • I hate the taste of my own semen....
  • I love the British!...
  • "For Pete's sake, I'm getting sick and tired of you accusing me of cheating on you," said ...
  • BBC News: England Women not expected to win the World Cup...
  • I read that the Icelandic alphabet doesn't have a 'Z' in it....
  • BBC SPORT - 'Sharapova advances after Peng win.'...
  • I find it amazing that these women can keep the ball moving from one side to the other for so long w...
  • I was talking to this guy at the gym about push-ups....
  • "Knock Knock"...
  • Just got back from visiting a lovely little place in Wales;...
  • As I put my fork into the lamb, I was shocked at how much blood came out....
  • If Justin Bieber sings in the woods and there's nobody around to hear him...
  • Why is it that adverts for Durex Condoms are banned until after the 9pm watershed...
  • Deal or No Deal is so unrealistic....
  • My mum knocked on my bedroom door, "My God, it sounds like you're strangling a cat in there, I ...
  • I'm one of those people who give BMW drivers a bad name....
  • For her birthday my wife asked for a tropical plant....
  • History always tells a story....
  • My wife came home early one evening and caught me in the bedroom with a huge erection and one leg in...
  • I put a hundred quids worth of fuel into my car and then drove off without paying....
  • Ross Kemp has never seen a game of football before....
  • It's Rebecca Black's birthday today. Today she is 14...
  • Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to...
  • Some people don't know the meaning of hygiene. There I was with my friend, in the cemetery, digging ...
  • Bloody hell. I was looking forward to this tube of Pringles...
  • After being convicted for rape I've been sent to prison for 4 years and ordered to pay my victim &po...
  • The camera on my new mobile phone is brilliant. It even works under water....
  • As the police put the handcuffs on me, my mother said, "Dan, I've failed you as a mother."...
  • I was just looking through my spam email when I saw this advert....
  • I was just looking through my spam email when I saw this advert....
  • My mate said to me, "I once emptied a whole bag of Walkers crisps into my mouth."...
  • My mate said to me, "I once emptied a whole bag of Walkers crisps into my mouth."...
  • So now the Wife has got the stinking hump.....
  • So now the Wife has got the stinking hump.....
  • I invited Stephen Hawking to my son's birthday party yesterday....
  • I invited Stephen Hawking to my son's birthday party yesterday....
  • My driving instructor said, "Take the first exit at the roundabout"....
  • My driving instructor said, "Take the first exit at the roundabout"....
  • Ryan Dunn died the way he lived...
  • Ryan Dunn died the way he lived...
  • Why not take a lovely holiday in Greece this summer? ...
  • Why not take a lovely holiday in Greece this summer? ...
  • I helped a mute girl with her homework. I touched her, then shagged her after she scribbled iou...
  • I helped a mute girl with her homework. I touched her, then shagged her after she scribbled iou...
  • I feel sorry for blind people now Wimbledon is back on....
  • Emmerdale's been rapped for having a plot that was 'hurtful' to people with paralysis....
  • "Knock knock"...
  • Off to the hospital with the pregnant wife tomorrow for the twelve week scan. ...
  • Scientists revealed the formula for the perfect cup of tea today. ...
  • My wife has packed her bags and gone - just because of my fetish with touching pasta....
  • I told my wife that she has to buy me a Father's Day present....
  • I told my wife that she has to buy me a Father's Day present....
  • She woke me up this morning by slipping under the duvet and stroking my cock - next thing I'm gettin...
  • She woke me up this morning by slipping under the duvet and stroking my cock - next thing I'm gettin...
  • I tried to text my girlfriend last night to say 'sorry babe. I can't come over tonight. I have to wo...
  • I tried to text my girlfriend last night to say 'sorry babe. I can't come over tonight. I have to wo...
  • Whenever I masturbate in front of a mirror...
  • Whenever I masturbate in front of a mirror...
  • I bet Jehovah's Witnesses have some good knock knock jokes...
  • My girlfriend asked, "Do you want to get married?"...
  • My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes. ...
  • My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes. ...
  • There were some Eco warriors protesting outside the local council offices. They all had their "...
  • There were some Eco warriors protesting outside the local council offices. They all had their "...
  • If my balls come out on the lottery tonight...
  • One time I didn't masturbate for 11 years......
  • One time I didn't masturbate for 11 years......
  • BBC Sport: All Black Donald signs for Bath....
  • BBC Sport: All Black Donald signs for Bath....
  • I went out into the garden and, to my horror, my wife was slumped on the grass....
  • I went out into the garden and, to my horror, my wife was slumped on the grass....
  • I don't tell sexist jokes at parties any more....
  • I don't tell sexist jokes at parties any more....
  • Kate and Gerry McCann were in my local karaoke bar last night...
  • Kate and Gerry McCann were in my local karaoke bar last night...
  • BBC News: Child prostitution trial begins....
  • BBC News: Child prostitution trial begins....
  • I was walking down this street and this really sexy woman tells me, 'Oh my god. You are so hot. I wa...
  • I was walking down this street and this really sexy woman tells me, 'Oh my god. You are so hot. I wa...
  • Just finished reading the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy...
  • The wife always says, "treat others as you would like to be treated by them."...
  • The wife always says, "treat others as you would like to be treated by them."...
  • My wife said, "What do you want for your birthday?"...
  • My wife said, "What do you want for your birthday?"...
  • My wife rang me last night and told me that she was laying in bed, naked waiting for me to come home...
  • My wife rang me last night and told me that she was laying in bed, naked waiting for me to come home...
  • I was being interviewed for a job at McDonald's. "An obvious example is Simon Cowell," I s...
  • I was being interviewed for a job at McDonald's. "An obvious example is Simon Cowell," I s...
  • I married a stunning 18 year-old busty lingerie model to stop her from being deported....
  • I still get a kick out of the simple things in life....
  • "Come on kids...
  • You know you've got a hygiene problem when your knob cheese goes mouldy...
  • Fucking women, hypocrites...
  • Statistically, 1 in 3 people get cancer....
  • BBC news: A man's body found in a suitcase, police treating it as suspicious. ...
  • "FA moves to ban terrace songs aimed at overweight players". ...
  • Once you go black, you never go back....
  • My wife and I really weren't expecting a baby, and then BAM!......
  • We've discovered our daughter suffers from severe allergic reactions to wheat, soy, dairy and eggs....
  • I do love a sing-song in the shower....
  • I'm not one to blow my own trumpet...
  • I'm as bored as an armless guy watching porn....
  • Dyslexic people don't know their bowels from their elbows....
  • Advice for Rhodri Giggs: Get your own back on Ryan by sleeping with his Mum....
  • I've just been a bit naughty and turned a ten year old girl on....
  • My dog can drink a bowl of water really quickly....
  • Yahoo homepage: 14-year-old actress set for nude role in Romeo and Juliet....
  • If at first you dont succeed...
  • I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my finger through....
  • Ryan Giggs and his brother walk into a bar....
  • I walked up to this ugly fat girl in a club and said 'My cock's like a cucumber'...
  • I'm cooking a lamb roast for my new girlfriend tonight to prove to her that I'm not a useless cunt a...
  • Bags of cheap crisps,...
  • I've just seen an old lady drop a £20 note in the street....
  • My Muslim neighbour just said to me, "The worst insult you can give to a Muslim is to slap his ...
  • My wife was just starting to moan about my obsession with Ross Kemp....
  • My dog's got synaesthesia....
  • sex_al harrass__nt. All thats missing is u and me...
  • Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck!!!...
  • My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of ...
  • I was sat opposite a woman breast-feeding her son on the bus this morning....
  • I'm just a farmer's labourer, ...
  • My wife said, "I'm bored, can we try a new position?"...
  • I was abused as a child by my Jewish neighbour....
  • BBC News: Borrowers still struggle to get onto first rung of the housing ladder....
  • What's all this about a killer vegetable? ...
  • I was walking through Manchester city centre with my girlfriend when we saw a young girl wearing hot...
  • The word "fucked" is pronounced differently in Essex...
  • If there is a parallel universe...
  • Last night James Hobley showed that you don't have to be gay to be a popular dancer....
  • If sequels always get worse...
  • My wife was playing around with her phone....
  • I had a fight with Jonathan Ross last night....
  • I saw Jordan earlier, she was wearing the skimpiest top. As I looked into her eyes, she said, ...
  • In the same week that we have the SlutWalk marches, celebrating womens right to dress how they like,...
  • If the mountain won't come to Mohammed...
  • Emile Heskey (England) 59 caps, 7 goals. ...
  • I opened the credit card statement and then looked at my wife and then again at the huge debt....
  • Typical! I'm cooking my mother-in-law dinner today for the very first time and I'm not even hungry....
  • I got lost driving through Bradford, so I stopped to ask this white guy for directions....
  • Everyone can put on their curriculum vitae that they know a little Latin....
  • So, Wayne Rooney has had a hair transplant....
  • After one of my stand up gigs this rather bulbous woman came up to me,...
  • If you can read this...
  • After hearing Ronan Parke singing, Louis Walsh said, 'The hairs on the back of my neck stood up'....
  • I went for a self-defence class last night....
  • I organised a family barbecue today....
  • When I spent time alone with my dad, he always made me feel Love and Affection....
  • My teacher said, "If you think about anything long enough, it gets easier."...
  • Ronan Parke is being compared to Susan Boyle... ...
  • Apparently the Scottish police have caught a terrorist suspect hiding in a gym changing room....
  • When Ronan Parke's voice breaks, he'll be fucked....
  • I've had a productive week...
  • My wife said seeing as it's hot she wants a cool bath....
  • People are wondering how E.coli has spread....
  • Saw two girls at the bar last night, so I approached the one and said, "Can I borrow your light...
  • I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be killed by a cucumber....
  • The Spice Girls: "If you wanna be my lover, you've gotta get with my friends."...
  • I thought the girl I was fucking was having the orgasm of her life last night....
  • Ghepetto walked in on his son Pinnochio, and nearly died of a heart attack when he saw his son.....
  • My wife had a massive go at me for my obsessive measuring of things....
  • Ronan Parke has great fashion sense....
  • Me and my wife auditioned for Britains Got Talent last month....
  • It's been embarrassing watching those ten excuses for "talent" on ITV....
  • I saw Stevie Wonder in the street,...
  • Andy Murray is to be sponsored by 'Pritt Stick'....
  • I tell you what - I wouldn't be cheating on my wife if I was a Premier League footballer. ...
  • In the news today "Cadbury apologises to Naomi Campbell over 'racist' ad" ...
  • A bird I've been seeing doesnt want to see me anymore because of my obsession with anal sex....
  • I sat there with a smile on my face as my girlfriend wrapped her hand around it and started to tug a...
  • BBC NEWS : E-coli breakout related to cucumbers; 7 women dead in Sweden...
  • I was on a date the other day and the lady commented that she, "likes men with old fashioned va...
  • I saw my girlfriend lying on our bed looking miserable. I said, "Let's turn that frown upside d...
  • The girl at the RyanAir checking desk said "Window or aisle?"...
  • Portsmouth must be in some state...
  • I told my daughter today that she reminded me of a toe....
  • You can tell sometimes just by looking at someone, that they're a cunt....
  • I got ripped in 4 weeks...
  • Statistically, Nein out of ten Germans are attractive....
  • I had sex with my step-cousin, which i'm relieved to discover is not illegal....
  • The Germans have advised that we no longer eat cucumbers, lettuce or tomatoes for the time being. ...
  • My wife told me that she's getting fed up of my boring facts. ...
  • Last night I came out of a nightclub and was approached by a Thai woman....
  • I rang my wife at work today and said, "Do you fancy going for a few drinks and something to ea...
  • BBC News: 'Andy Murray Into Semis'....
  • Does anyone care about The Queen's Diamond Jubilee, one year from today? ...
  • A school in Bradford are teaching pupils the art of 'urban dancing',...
  • I'm a heavy smoker....
  • Its amazing the length some of us blokes will go to just to get a little look at a woman. Looking th...
  • NSW Road's Transit Authority: If you speed, it's just a matter of time....
  • My nan came off the phone to the bank, all flustered....
  • If you were born in Gotham City and your first name is 'The'...
  • Channel 4 News: Syrians take to the street after 13yr old boy is tortured, killed and his body hande...
  • What wears a cloak and runs down the street?...
  • It is hard to say who is more pissed off about the latest E Coli cucumber scare....
  • I've never heard of a country called Highest Bidder, but I'd love to go there someday....
  • MSN Homepage: 'Get Pippa Middleton's Bum In Less Than Three Months'....
  • They say you are what you eat....
  • They say a mother can get super human strength by lifting a car if her baby is stuck underneath it. ...
  • I've just emailed "This is a robbery!" to my online bank support. ...
  • Under The Bridge - Red Hot Chilli Peppers...
  • I was in Tesco earlier and the cashier said she felt like a zombie. ...
  • 3 reasons to stand up: ...
  • I spotted a tiger at the zoo yesterday....
  • I've come up with the perfect system that pays out every time I go to the bookies....
  • Walked up to a fat girl in a club last night and said "Did it hurt?"...
  • My wife said "honey, let's do something different tonight." "What did you have in min...
  • I was at a restaurant with my girlfriend yesterday....
  • I can't belive my mother in law persuaded my wife to leave me....
  • There's only three things in life that are infinite. ...
  • Dave Jones has been sacked as Cardiff City manager....
  • Emile Heskey is rumoured to be signing for Leicester City for £500,000....
  • It's all shits and giggles til someone giggles and shits....
  • My copy of FIFA won't load up. According to the PS3...
  • I went out and bought FIFA the other day....
  • Yet another Tsunami warning for Japan has been issued...
  • I went to Gordon Ramsays restaurant last night and I ordered some pasta....
  • Mental Note: Actual notes work better....
  • Women are like second hand cars....
  • I was playing football with my one-legged son. I swear, he plays like Cristiano Ronaldo!...
  • Sky News- "Cheryl Cole 'Rejects UK X Factor Offer'"...
  • I'm pretty sure the best thing about being Jesus is knowing that your parents never fucked....
  • My mum says you are what you eat....
  • I didn't really give Swansea a chance in the Championship Play-Off Final today....
  • I really don't get why so many people are annoyed with Swansea, a Welsh team, getting promoted to th...
  • I gathered a classroom full of kids to teach them about God; who he is and what he does....
  • My wife said she's leaving me because I'm 'too close to my family'....
  • Just seen a Facebook group:...
  • Good luck to Swansea City in the Playoff final tomorrow. Liverpool are counting on you to reach the ...
  • Just read a book on how to constructively criticise....
  • Me and five of my mates all went to a brothel and all threw fifty pound each into a pot, the winner ...
  • Some common acronyms defined:...
  • I'm red all over...
  • Sky News: Boy found dead in bedroom wardrobe. ...
  • I came home from work and my wife said, "I washed your England shirt for you today."...
  • When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was ...
  • "007, listen carefully, I have some fantastic Hi-Tech trainers for you."...
  • My girlfriend said to me this morning, "Man U were shit last night." ...
  • During some excavation work, a team of Israeli archaeologists discovered a previously undetected cav...
  • Reports have emerged that Barcelona fans sneaked into Old Trafford last night. ...
  • Sunday Mirror: "Frank Lampard to surprise girlfriend Christine Bleakley by proposing next week&...
  • Stacey Giggs wants to know if anyone can vouch for the whereabouts of her husband Ryan...
  • I just watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button for the third time....
  • I fell asleep in church this morning....
  • I'd been feeling depressed since I suffered a severe stroke which disabled one side of my face. To...
  • I asked my son, "Have you started masturbating yet?"...
  • My son said, "Dad, can I ask you a question?"...
  • There's two things I hate about my son's new partner:...
  • "Hey look man...
  • My mum won the Irish Lottery....
  • Sky News-"Cheryl Cole 'In Talks With Cowell'"...
  • To try and spice up our sex lives, I suggested a bit of role play to the girlfriend....
  • A girl I slept with a few weeks ago texted me saying 'I'm so sorry but I'm HIV positive...
  • I walked into a brothel and asked if there were any women available....
  • To be fair, United were without their star man....
  • Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer?...
  • I was in the living room watching some boy spray something on my window outside....
  • In the Champions League final, Dani Alves goes down like a ton of bricks after an awful Paul Scholes...
  • It's been alleged that Arnold Schwarzenegger has at least two more secret love children. This was in...
  • What do a church service in Helsinki and Mortal Kombat have in common?...
  • Had a call from my Wife's boss at work earlier. Apparently she's walked into a doorframe and had to ...
  • The Oxford Dictionary Of Cockney Rhyming Slang has a new entry in it this week....
  • Im not looking forward to the champions league final. Half the stadium is going to be filled with di...
  • Cheryl Cole:...
  • Beyonce: 'Who run the world?'...
  • I winked at my next door neighbour and said, "I could hear you and Jim at it like rabbits last ...
  • I can't believe that Ryan Giggs missed training in the week of the Champions League final....
  • BBC News: 'Obama's joke delights Parliament'...
  • The US X Factor sacked Cheryl Cole because audiences can't understand her....
  • Ji Sung Park was the first person to give the game away...
  • I saw a black guy driving around in a Smart car today....
  • MSN News: Cheryl Cole axed from X Factor US because her accent is too thick for Americans to underst...
  • Fucked a sarcastic girl the other night....
  • I took a photo of my wife on my phone, and proceeded to piss myself with laughter before showing it ...
  • I pulled a bird in Thailand recently....
  • I was trying to pull a girl in a bar, so I asked her 'What part of my body is as long as your thigh,...
  • German airports closed by ash. ...
  • The sexy policewoman interrogating me asked, "How many rapes have you committed?"...
  • I got chatting to a really fat bird down the pub. She was delighted when I invited her back to my p...
  • A new device has been invented to reduce the noise made inside your car by 95%......
  • MSN News: 'Black Ash Moves Away From The UK'...
  • I was stuck on a question in my Maths GCSE exam, so I asked the guy in front of me....
  • Daily Mirror - The Queen toasts Barack Obama...
  • BBC Scotland : "Winds Of 100mph Batter Scotland"...
  • I was talking to a bloke at work when I said "Woah, mate have you been eating garlic?"...
  • In light of recent controversies involving Twitter, it's best to assume that anything written on the...
  • Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness...
  • I walked into a car showroom last night....
  • I sent a player off in the first minute of a match today for deliberate handball....
  • The wife just told me that she's pregnant and expecting twins at Christmas....
  • What do houseflies and Mac users have in common?...
  • I went on Mastermind last week and my specialist subject was Manchester United....
  • Disney character names explained:...
  • The wife stormed indoors, "You bastard, I'll never get rid of that smell."...
  • DAILY EXPRESS: Kate McCann 'cold and emotionless'....
  • A man goes into a library and asks for a book on absolute bullshit....
  • I got home from the pub at 3am this morning....
  • Me and some friends were in the pub telling jokes about black people....
  • What smells of fish and sweat?...
  • I nearly got ran over today, I was so angry I stormed over, Dragged him out of his seat and repeated...
  • Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane...?...
  • I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or anything...
  • People are making Rapture jokes like there's no tomorrow....
  • "If you win the lottery, the first thing I want ...
  • Time zones...
  • The world is to end tonight at 6pm (6.05 for Ferguson)...
  • I just woke up and looked out the window and can't believe it...
  • I was lying in bed when I thought, "Fuck it. If the world is going to end today, I'm going out ...
  • I guess Jesus was sent via Royal Mail...
  • Daily News: Viagra can make you deaf...
  • If my wife tells me to grow up one more time...
  • In the maternity wigwam, there were 3 squaws in labour....
  • Football star Michael Owen has released a new fragrance;...
  • My Dad came up to me today and said, "Son, is there any chance that you can help me write the w...
  • I think Hilary Swank would make herself more accessible to men if she changed her forename to Gloria...
  • Horse walks into a pub:...
  • A US man has celebrated eating his 25,000th Big Mac from McDonald's....
  • Why do Scousers have two left feet?...
  • BBC NEWS- Amazon tribe 'lacks time concept'...
  • BBC NEWS: US State seeks Holocaust records....
  • Funny that when you hear a man's name, you can instantly work out his nationality:...
  • According to the bible, the world will end on May 21st as predicted by the religious prophets......
  • Wanking is just like DIY....
  • I hear the IMF are looking for a new head....
  • Everyone keeps telling me I should be more interactive with the foreigners in my street. So today I ...
  • BBC news: The debate over how we should categorise rape....
  • An empty tissue box - the sign of a productive revision session...
  • Me and 5 close friends were having a pint in the local pub last night. The mood was a bit awkward wi...
  • BBC News: The debate over how we should categorise rape....
  • MATHEMATICS -- HIGHER TIER -- 2011...
  • My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then...
  • "Madeleine can't be in a thousand different locations", Kate McCann says in her book....
  • I had a sausage sandwich this morning....
  • I had a sausage sandwich this morning....
  • If anyone ever tells you they've lost their voice,...
  • Apparently around 200 women are raped everyday in the UK....
  • Maths Question: ...
  • Maths Question: ...
  • I hurt my back today so have been lying on the floor....
  • I hurt my back today so have been lying on the floor....
  • BBC NEWS: Titanic captain's cigar box found in Merseyside house....
  • BBC NEWS: Titanic captain's cigar box found in Merseyside house....
  • Had enough with my iTunes suggestions!...
  • I was sat in a wine bar, enjoying my own company. I took a sip of my drink and looked over to the ot...
  • I went to log in to the Shelia's Wheels web site....
  • Just seen a black security guard. ...
  • I just want to thank the girl who ran with me for the last few kilometers of the Great Manchester Ru...
  • The woman who injected her 8 year-old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody. ...
  • I found a dead body last night and reported it to the police....
  • Sky news: German beats pirate with deck chair. ...
  • Adele says she's been hurt by fat jokes about her and is going through a lot of pain....
  • "If you don't have an iPhone...well, you don't have an iPhone..."...
  • Police have just named the poor woman killed in Tenerife....
  • I'm going to a fancy dress party as a sweet shop owner. I just tried on my outfit and my wife said &...
  • A bird with a leek in its hand?...
  • In an equal opportunities seminar at work today, I was asked where I stood on racism....
  • NASA : Asteroid might hit earth in 2182...
  • What's black and goes to work?...
  • BBC NEWS - The Pope calls for action on sex abuse...
  • Stephen Hawking: "Heaven is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark"...
  • MSN news - Kate and Gerry to recreate evening of Maddie abduction......
  • I just bet £100 at the bookies that they would find Maddie, at 1000-1 odds....
  • So a woman drives into a bar...
  • Tenerife....
  • There's one thing I've learnt working at KFC....
  • Can't believe London's getting bomb threats from the IRA....
  • Air guitars: Allowing black children to also get birthday presents....
  • Ryanair have charged Jennifer Mills-Westley's family £65 in excess baggage fees to bring her r...
  • I do not have an OCD over tidiness....
  • Muslim women have a new social networking site...
  • I bought Kate McCann's new book. I was going out for dinner that night....
  • I met a girl in a nightclub and told her 'I'm going to fuck you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitch...
  • I was so confident that we'd win our next match, I decided we'd practice our goal celebrations....
  • Sky News-"One Family, One Dog Policy For Shanghai"...
  • Eurovision: If I wanted to see a bunch of stupid foreigners who can't sing...
  • When I'm shagging the wife I like to give her about 30 seconds warning before I'm going to come....
  • SKYNEWS: Adele fills Wembley....
  • You know you're an ugly cunt when even your cat brings home more birds than you....
  • I've been reading Kate McCann's new book....
  • I was so disappointed after travelling all that way to see The Great Wall of China....
  • I work in Blockbuster. I man came in and asked if we had "Thor". I said, "It's only j...
  • I've just finished reading Kate McCann's new book....
  • Wayne Rooney - "United have won so many trophies I can't count."...
  • My wife told me she was absolutely fed up with the world....
  • What I've learnt from the eurovision song contest;...
  • Kate McCann.......
  • British woman gets beheaded by a Bulgarian man in Tenerife....
  • Eurovision....
  • I've just spent the past hour chasing a daddy long legs around my house......
  • So Azerbaijan have won the Eurovision Song Contest 2011. The winning country hosts the following yea...
  • The US has released a list of the Porn found in Osama's house...
  • I've just seen seen the news from Tenerife and I'm still in shock....
  • BBC News: "Woman beheaded in Canaries shop"...
  • Eurovision; The paralympics of music....
  • That British woman isn't the only thing without a head in Tenerife....
  • Carlos Tevez? £47 million....
  • Tenerife;...
  • BBC News: 'Baby gorilla killed'...
  • BBC News: "Tenerife: British woman beheaded in Canaries attack"...
  • News that explicit pornography was found during the raid on Osama Bin Laden's compound has shocked t...
  • Apparently, the film 'Kickass' has been complained about because it has a twelve year old girl using...
  • Apparently Kate mccanns new book Madeleine is tipped to be a best seller....
  • Jesus promised the end of all wicked people. ...
  • If I had a pound for everytime I had sex....
  • The Tenerife version of Supermarket Sweep looks a bit extreme....
  • I fell on my arm and had to have an operation on my funny bone...
  • A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door and asked if I'd like to let Jesus into my home....
  • I kept seeing a vegetable stall every day in the same place on my way to work this week....
  • Hello and welcome to Britain's got talent. What is your name?...
  • Americans kill Bin Laden, the Taliban respond by killing 80 Pakis. I'm really starting to enjoy this...
  • My son is learning to drive, and has been going on about me buying him a new car....
  • I got kicked out of the bookstore today...
  • BBC News: Kate McCann; "Madeleine was hard not to love."...
  • 'BBC News: Passer-by pushes suicide man off bridge.'...
  • The interior minister of Pakistan says that they have nothing to hide. Yeah...
  • My mate just asked me, "If you were stuck on a desert island, and you could have 3 records, wha...
  • When I die I want to leave this world the way I entered it. ...
  • Stereo...
  • BBC news: Met Police to help in Madeleine Hunt....
  • If you shout "Neil Lennon" in parts of Glasgow in this day and age theres a good chance yo...
  • I'm sick of Kate McCann asking for help in finding her daughter....
  • BBC News: Bad drivers to face £100 fines...
  • Adele: you know you're fat when no one has even mentioned you're ginger....
  • I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy...
  • 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance ... ...
  • Why do so many Muslims marry their own cousins?...
  • Kate McCann has a lovely tan at the moment...
  • Microsoft has bid $5 Billion for Skype...
  • Last night I stopped a woman in the park and said, "Give me your purse before I rape you."...
  • I just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent...
  • I'm so bored with life, I've decided to read the Oxford English Dictionary from start to finish....
  • I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!'...
  • A boy tells his dad, "There's this kid at school that keeps calling me a fag!"...
  • Manager: "Adele, you just received an offer from Hollywood, they say they have a big role for y...
  • The Sun: 'I couldn't make love to Gerry'...
  • I've decided to read the Oxford English Dictionary from beginning to end...
  • My girlfriend has just left me...
  • Parallel lines have got so much in common....
  • I love storms. The awe-inspiring flash of lightning as it forks across the dark night sky, followed ...
  • "I've never been so embarrassed in my life in Tesco!" exclaimed the wife, "what the f...
  • The wife goes mad with me if I borrow her razor....
  • I was telling Barack Obama how I took pictures of myself fucking his wife in every hole last night. ...
  • There she was just a-walking down the street singing: "Doo-a-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo"....
  • John Cena "No one knows who will win this match, it's just not foreseeable"...
  • A policeman knocked on my door today and said, "I'm sorry to have to tell you that there's been...
  • I went on Britain's Got Talent and David Hasselhoff asked me what I was going to do....
  • People have been speculating that Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" is about a hard break up w...
  • You're all so horrible to the Islamic religion! Islam is the religion of peace and Muslims are great...
  • I seriously can't stand it when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus....
  • "Americans insist Osama's burial at sea is a Muslim tradition."...
  • I'm in court tomorrow charged with being a sexual predator....
  • BBC News: 8 suicide bombers blow themselves up in Afghanistan, killing 2 people....
  • I was driving my bus when a fat bird got on and said, "Single please."...
  • Royal Mail takes ages to come....
  • Why doesn't the Queen just watch Britain's Got Talent?...
  • BBC news: 8 suicide bombers blow themselves up in Afghanistan, killing two people...
  • BBC NEWS: 8 suicide bombers blow themselves up killing at least 2 people....
  • Alex Ferguson thought it was time for some team bonding, He decided on a game of hide & go seek ...
  • Osman bin Laden sent Barack Obama a coded message to let him know that he's still alive:...
  • I learned a few things today:...
  • I h8 da way chavs tlk lke dis all da tme....
  • If Osama bin Laden could see the sick jokes been written about him on this site...
  • I was driving along the other day, when I noticed that these two blokes in dark suits and sunglasses...
  • I was talking to a woman in the bar and said to her:...
  • Not sure what's worse for Osama: the fact he got found and killed...
  • Pippa Middleton....
  • I love the Americans' sense of humour....
  • I was explaining to my son the importance of keeping your penis clean....
  • So Osama Bin Laden was buried at sea just as Japan had dumped radioactive water into the ocean....
  • Dreams of a man...
  • New technology is fucking dangerous....
  • No-one seems to remember the eleventh commandment:...
  • I threw my fruit out the car window today while on the motorway. The missus said I shouldn't have do...
  • They say for every cigarette there's a nicorette...
  • I've just been thrown out of my Jewish friend's party after he found me completely off my tits doing...
  • So the guy who persuaded a man and woman to commit suicide online only got a 320 day prison sentence...
  • It's been announced that a 3D movie of 'Glee' is in the works....
  • I bought a sofa from DFS last year....
  • We all knew that Osama was evil...
  • Will there be specified parking spaces for the non-disabled at the Paralympics?...
  • I was talking dirty with my wife yesterday in bed....
  • I went to the best fortune-teller in Manchester and she gave me an envelope to open on the next rain...
  • Some black guy was having a go at me in the pub the other night because I didn't vote. ...
  • I wanted to play an ironic practical joke on my mate....
  • I entered a Scandinavian Vegetable-Eating competition....
  • I hate this hot weather, I have to keep my windows closed because all my neighbour's kids do is scre...
  • DNA of Bin Laden has come back with a reading of 24% cocoa, 52% coconut, 18% sugar, and 6% milk....
  • Barrack Obama - The first black man that has ever had to convince the world he did do the killing....
  • My daughter is at that stage where she finds it embarrassing to be seen out with me....
  • I rang a woman today and said, "How big are your tits? What underwear are you wearing"...
  • As my sister-in-law roared off in her new car my wife commented "I think I made a mistake marry...
  • To avoid his body being dug up as a celebration of his martyrdom, US Navy Seals buried Bin Laden in ...
  • "You look like a million dollars" said the marine...
  • President Obama has decided to withhold footage of Bin Laden being killed on the basis that: "T...
  • I've noticed that all of the Bin Laden jokes on here are by Brits....
  • BBC News: Osama killed by two shots....
  • I bought Adele's album the other day....
  • My oldest approached me today, and told me he was feeling suicidal....
  • My wife's almost finished knitting me a Willy Warmer, ...
  • Barack Obama has announced that the photographs of a dead Osama Bin Laden will not be released...
  • I approached this girl in a club last night and said, "I've got something huge in my pants for ...
  • What's the difference between Osama Bin Laden and Barcelona football players? ...
  • What do Kate Middleton and Osama Bin Laden have in common; last weekend a man from the navy smashed ...
  • Could the CIA bloke who thinks that Bin Laden was living in a luxury villa worth $1...
  • Breaking News: Aliens crash on Earth! Ship destroyed! The bodies were sent back into space in honour...
  • I'm always taking the piss out of my friend who has downs, but now and again he'll give me a bit of ...
  • Can't believe Barcelona's regional synchronised diving team made it to the champions league final...
  • I'm trying to think of some stillbirth jokes......
  • Apparently it took the Americans a long time to bury Bin Laden at sea....
  • Beautiful woman gets married to prince. GREAT Britain celebrates....
  • "Hello. Is that Felix Lighter?"...
  • Don't you hate it when Wikipedia copies your homework!...
  • I got my child to sleep last night by just repeatedly saying 'bursary'....
  • This morning while looking for a clean shirt I found my wife's secret diary. I was both delighted an...
  • Imagine how angry the loch ness monster must feel about losing his place as the biggest myth in the ...
  • Women, we don't want to put ourselves in your shoes,...
  • Some obscure woman dumps a cat in a bin, and the pictures go all around the world....
  • So when the Americans storm in, shoot a Paki twice in the head and throw him into the sea they're h...
  • I met a popstar in a nightclub last night and we ended up getting really drunk and going back to my ...
  • Even though we both speak the same language, it's amazing how there are some subtle differences betw...
  • Coincidentally, an anagram of Osama Bin Laden is "Lob da man in sea"...
  • I've got some American neighbours and they came and knocked on my door this morning, "They got ...
  • I've just got back from a deep sea fishing trip with my mate....
  • The entire Pakistani military have written a letter to the UN begging for help in locating their mou...
  • With all this hype about the royal wedding and now bin Laden's death...
  • Osama Bin Laden made a big mistake using his wife as a human shield when the US Navy Seals raided hi...
  • Bin Laden gets to the after life....
  • I don't want to sound big headed....
  • After a long weekend of successfully deployed counter-terrorism tactics, I'm pleased to announce tha...
  • They should have captured Bin Laden alive and made him continually go through airport security for t...
  • So then, the Americans have the right idea...
  • 10 years. Trillions of dollars. Thousands of soldiers dead. State of the art technology. The US fina...
  • Bin laden is dead! Killed by a stray shot from Emile Heskey....
  • President Bush tried, and failed....
  • Apparently, Bin Laden had a 25 million dollar price tag on his head....
  • Thank God Bin Laden's dead....
  • It's very quiet and there's a lot of flags flying half-mast here in Bradford this morning....
  • Osama 2,967 - USA 1...
  • BTW, I killed Colonel Gaddafi last night...
  • I can't help but feel that flying a 747 packed full of Paki's into Bin Laden's villa would have been...
  • Prince Harry reported missing after a secret fancy dress party somewhere in Pakistan...
  • "9/11 organiser dead"....
  • As a mark of respect to the legendary snooker commentator Ted Lowe who died today, there was a one m...
  • I was walking past my local community board the other day, where I spotted a sign that said,...
  • Egypt - Rioting in the streets to overthrow an evil dictatorship...
  • I'm in a band called Saggy Tits....
  • "Doctor, I can't work out what's wrong with me!"...
  • I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's gran....
  • I'm sure somebody has been fucking around with my anti-paranoia tablets....
  • I'm in a band called 'Wind Farm'....
  • I saw my brothers mate yesterday...
  • So why was Cinderella crap at football? Because she ran away from the ball? Because she had a pumpki...
  • I was at King's Cross this week when I saw a boy of about 10 repeatedly running into the pillar betw...
  • BBC: 'High Chance Of Showers Tomorrow'....
  • I had a great idea for a song. It would have vocals by a woman with a very average voice and a face ...
  • I've never been a fan of swimming because of the hygiene issues in public pools. It's just the thoug...
  • Illegal immigrants only come to the UK so they can see their local G...
  • A woman knocked on my door earlier asking if I would like to make a contribution towards domestic vi...
  • I'm absolutely pissed off!...
  • A man who says marriage is a 50/50 proposition doesn't understand two things:...
  • My new girlfriend won't let me spank her ass cheeks during foreplay, so in revenge I glued them toge...
  • So Yesterday was a celebration...
  • How many kids with cerebral palsy does it take to change a lightbulb?...
  • Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie spend more than £6 million to keep their children each year....
  • At first when my wife left I was upset and lonely, but since then I've bought a dog, had three diffe...
  • I said to my wife "I've found this amazing new lipstick that makes you lose weight!"...
  • Pippa Middleton's arse is like a JK Rowling book...
  • I always thought my mate was gay, but he's just confirmed it. He said, "Eating oysters is like ...
  • I've just just written a song called 'Broken Alarm Clock Blues'. It starts off......
  • I was at a party with some mates the other day and one of them said to me 'Is that the queue for the...
  • I gave my dad an 'e'...
  • My mum was so proud of me today. I cleared all my stuff off my bed. Changed the sheets and even put ...
  • I'm extremely scared whenever there is a school massacre. It makes me amazingly suspicious of everyo...
  • What do you call a racist dinosaur?...
  • The last time I saw a prince on a balcony...
  • My knees are swollen from too much foreplay with the wife. ...
  • If you pause the royal wedding at just the right time, you get a still image of the sexiest thing in...
  • Just watched the new princess on tv and although I'm not an emotional guy I gotta say it did bring a...
  • I have to exaggerate or I'll die...
  • I've just seen the frightening pictures on television....
  • The RAF will be doing a flypast over Buckingham Palace. ...
  • I thought when Prince William said "I will" to the vows...
  • So Will and Kate drove off in his dad's Aston Martin. I wonder why he didn't use his mother's car?...
  • Kate Middleton's dress has bought tears to the eyes of countless children across the world;...
  • You know, Barbie sure has a lot of nice, expensive looking things for a girl who's knees don't bend?...
  • I'm in a band called The Taxpayers...
  • Xbox live users : Feeling smug since 20th April 2011...
  • I got Way Too drunk last night......
  • Nice to see a black boy singing in the choir at the Royal Wedding....
  • I'm currently on the M25, I've been sat here in my lorry for nearly 20 minutes and I haven't moved a...
  • It took a while for him to get the ring on Kate's finger....
  • Some yob attacked me down the local park tonight with a bat....
  • My wife said, "I want a divorce and half of everything you have"...
  • Nick Clegg admitted he tried marijuana several years ago, but didn't like it. He said it distorted h...
  • "Do you William, take this stuck up social climber to be your lawful wedded wife?"...
  • I always get embarrassed when people walk in the mens toilets when I'm in there trying to get a cond...
  • MSN news 'Lily Allen to enter 'baking contest'...
  • My little boy asked for a pet. So I stroked his head and said,...
  • They say you can tell when spaghetti is cooked if you throw it against a wall and it sticks there....
  • I'm really looking forward to celebrating tomorrow....
  • I asked Osama Bin Laden, "Are you looking forward to the Royal Wedding tomorrow?"...
  • I'm gagging to give the wife her Birthday present after she unwrapped all that paper last year to fi...
  • I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, ...
  • The Royal Wedding, live on YouTube....
  • I don't think I could ever fist someone....
  • My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started callin...
  • What's large, black and steals your credit cards?...
  • Crap, my 3 year old has figured out how to open the fridge....
  • Just had a fight with a nigger......
  • I've just finished writing a 600 page novel using invisible ink....
  • There was a knock on my door this morning and a voice shouted, "Drugs squad! L.S.D. raid!"...
  • My wife caught me in a strip club last night....
  • As I was walking into the pub toilet there was a bloke on his way out, he looked in real pain, his e...
  • Sergio Ramos, the Real Madrid player who dropped the Copa del Rey cup off the bus has said that he w...
  • My wife found naked pictures of a woman on my phone....
  • I went up to an ice-cream van today and there was a really fit blonde serving. I said "I'd like...
  • Did you hear that awful news story about the girl in Iran who was...
  • After spending up to twelve hours a day on Facebook for years, my grandfather died yesterday....
  • A scientist offered to install a chip in my brain to give me the mentality of an Arsenal player....
  • I was eating a packet of Walker's crisps the other day: Stephen Fry's Fry Up flavour. The first cri...
  • Always remember, the mirror never lies....
  • "Obesity deaths in the US to top 1 million"....
  • I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes....
  • Before I go home from work, I always make sure that I turn everything off....
  • Jokes about the Titanic are usually good....
  • I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman working there if they had any ghost costumes....
  • There was a cow on the loose in the neighbourhood yesterday. ...
  • Salvador Dali walks into a fish,...
  • Mosquito net: £12...
  • Doctor: You have 1 year to live....
  • BBC NEWS: "Man saves swan by giving it the kiss of life"......
  • The Japanese tsunami....
  • I couldn't afford to buy all my kids Easter eggs, and I didn't want them to wake up disappointed thi...
  • Took my wife to a posh French Restaurant last night...
  • I went out with a bulimic girl. To make sure she called me back...
  • My new neighbour popped his head over the fence today and said, "What's going down brother?&quo...
  • If Santa isn't a paedophile he is wasting a massive opportunity....
  • I was in Sainsburys the other day....
  • I was walking past a group of lads sat on a wall earlier when one of them said 'You've dropped your ...
  • I was sat watching tv with my dogs head resting on my lap when I thought...
  • Last Friday I met this really cute anorexic girl at a club. We both got talking and by the end of th...
  • It was terribly hard to tell my wife of her mother's death....
  • I hated my first experience of skydiving....
  • BBC News: 'Woman is raped after losing phone.'...
  • I've been gasping for a fag all day....
  • My wife says she thinks we should sleep in separate beds....
  • A little kid shouted MILF at my Wife yesterday....
  • I walked into the pub and saw a beautiful woman at the bar....
  • Comedy writer John Sullivan, most famous for Only Fools and Horses, has died....
  • THE SUN: '11% of teens had drunken sex they regret'...
  • My wife insists on tidying up before the cleaner comes....
  • BBC News: Man dies after Grenade Incident....
  • Security stopped me at the airport last night....
  • My wife once said she'd leave me if I ever cheated on her....
  • Just spent ages waxing the car....
  • For sale. ...
  • How to make Easter easier - replace the t with an i....
  • Ovens are a lot like sex....
  • I have two brothers...
  • I feel sorry for Jesus. He spent most of his life trying to do good deeds...
  • A real Easter miracle would be for Jesus to turn water into reasonably priced petrol....
  • I've just got myself a new penis enlarger....
  • The thing I love most about this hot weather is the Short Skirts and Low Cut Tops....
  • My mate just put on Facebook, "Loving the weather! Taking the kids to the park"....
  • Sky news: ' Hidden iPhone file tracks users every move'...
  • People often ask me, "Are you a tits man, or an ass man?"...
  • How many racists does it take to change a light bulb?...
  • My wife's not talking to me. Last night, she asked me to treat her like a whore. So I stuck it up he...
  • "The thing that the whole world has been waiting for, The Royal Wedding."...
  • BBC news: Scientists have announced that in a few years the world will be underwater....
  • I got into the house tonight and there was a lovely smell of a joint roasting....
  • Being a world of warcraft player, I have suffered many losses....
  • Didn't help myself in court yesterday....
  • Yahoo.com - "World's oldest man dies"...
  • My dad never loved me as a child....
  • Can't believe I was arrested last night for wanking over Ben 10....
  • This week's Yeast Club meeting is now in session....
  • I saw a Muslim freedom fighter today. ...
  • Well it turns out that putting 'Madeleine McCann' on your census gets the police round 3 weeks quick...
  • I was in a band called 'Screw Cap'....
  • Apparently just 15 cents a day can feed a starving African child...
  • BBC news...Chocolate tycoon dies in an accident...His family have asked for roses at his funeral...
  • Me and some of the other monks have been trying to raise money to replace the monastery roof....
  • I've just found that my Wii remote doesn't work if you take it out of the sync region....
  • My girlfriend went into labour this morning....
  • I'd planned what I was going to do on my day off for the royal wedding. It basically consisted of wa...
  • I was driving along earlier when I accidently cut someone up. He angrily wound down the window and s...
  • SKY NEWS- Norwich Man In Court For Triple Stabbing ...
  • The London Marathon....
  • I just sent Kate & William a wedding present......
  • When does a man know it's time to change his towel? When he's drying his hair and no matter what par...
  • BBC News: "Nasa scientists find that drugs lose effectiveness in space"....
  • MSN News: 'Little Boy Dies In Tumble Dryer'....
  • There are three things I want to do in my lifetime...
  • I've just started a revolution....
  • Adele named her albums 19 and 21 because they were important numbers to her......
  • You think Rio Ferdinand was pissed yesterday?...
  • BBC News: "WWI postcard finally returned to family"....
  • Everybody is raving about, 'The only way is Essex.'...
  • I always laugh at camels for having tits on their backs...
  • I like making a move on my girlfriend first thing in the morning to help wake her up....
  • I said to this girl, "Did you know the Argentine blue-bill duck has for its size, the largest p...
  • What takes up 18 parking spaces?...
  • When I woke up this morning I opened the curtains of my London apartment to be greeted by the sight ...
  • My mate has invented a new hobby called "blindfold plane watching". ...
  • Most people get what's coming to them....
  • BBC news: Brazilian builds worlds tallest lego tower. ...
  • I read an article that said paedophiles are attracted to children because they have an abnormal fixa...
  • "When will you just fucking grow up?" The wife screamed....
  • My wife likes to think she wears the trousers in our relationship....
  • Note to self: I need to stop talking to myself....
  • If you're watching the London Marathon,keep an eye out for me....
  • Adele called her first albums 19 & 21 because they are numbers that have special importance to h...
  • BBC News: Gaddafi 'launching cluster bombs'....
  • I went to see one of those shadow theatres earlier....
  • I was in a wrestling match and the other guy got me in a head lock and wrote his name on my forehead...
  • Sky News: "Downs Syndrome couple have baby with learning difficulties"....
  • My mate told me that he played in goal for Chelsea; just in case he was lying I thought I'd.....
  • In France the police are now taking action against people caught in public wearing a burqa....
  • Women say men are disgusting because they will piss in the sink if the bathroom is occupied....
  • I haven't been this worried about a Semi since I watched Brokeback Mountain....
  • Being a Paedophile living in Liverpool, I try to attract girls aged 13 to 14....
  • I was lying in bed after shagging this bird when she said, "There's something I like to do when...
  • So Holly Willoughby has named her new baby Belle....
  • What's the difference between me and my wife?...
  • I don't take orders from anyone....
  • I came home from work to find my wife had arranged a romantic night-in....
  • I made a fortune on the back of last week's Grand National!...
  • My daughter just asked me if I'd ever heard of World Of Warcraft. ...
  • There was a skinny young boy who was constantly being...
  • BBC sports: Vettel heads Hamilton in practice. ...
  • My daughters black boyfriend tragically died last night. ...
  • I popped round to see the vicar who lives next door....
  • My wife says I'm too childish and my constant bed wetting is literally getting on her tits....
  • I've still got a red nose on the front of my car....
  • I walked in earlier to find my Grandfather raping my Grandma over the kitchen table. My Gran looked ...
  • Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a couple of shots please."...
  • When I broke up with my girlfriend she started crying and said I was a self-centred bastard....
  • Dolly Parton in BBC Radio 2 interview:...
  • I'm planning a marathon wank, this Sunday....
  • Why did the black man cross the road?...
  • I tried to send my girlfriend a picture of my cock today but my phone alerted me "Recipient may...
  • My mate didn't believe me when I said I could do a cartwheel. He said "Prove it."...
  • What's all this about black pudding?...
  • My wife's been driving for six months now....
  • An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar....
  • Saying "I drink beer because I like the taste" is a bit like saying "I watch porn bec...
  • Did you know that the toothbrush was invented in Swansea?...
  • I was only young when I learned to count....
  • Fernando Torres goes to the library and asks for a book on the net....
  • SKY NEWS- Sailor Dee Caffari has become the only woman to have sailed around the world non-stop thre...
  • A car salesman asked me, "What are you looking for in a car?"...
  • "One ring to rule them all,...
  • I've made myself a girlfriend out of plastic food wrap....
  • My 15 year old daughter has added me as a friend on facebook and now some of her friends have starte...
  • Weight concious Kerry Katona was recently seen snorting Splenda Sweetener....
  • BBC NEWS: Air France crash jet's tail found......
  • 'I've fallen in love' ...
  • I've bought myself a chinchilla....
  • As a man of Jewish descent I don't like jokes about us Jews. ...
  • I hate street performers......
  • For the first time in 40 years my dad took me in his arms and told me he loved me. It meant so much ...
  • I had just nipped to the toilet at Tesco when I saw a black bloke about to take my trolley....
  • I saw Cristiano Ronaldo in town today....
  • I swear to God I'm not gullible....
  • My mates call me gay because I can't stay on a skateboard for longer than a minute....
  • AltGr...
  • I went to a restaurant the other day and I noticed that my waitress had a black eye....
  • I've just seen a Norwich version of "Back To The Future". Unlike the original, Marty McFly...
  • Sick of all these disgusting jokes about sex with animals. For the record, bestiality is never a la...
  • I wrote a 403 page essay about the internet....
  • Had to do the walk of shame last week. Sneaking out of some lad's flat at 8 in the morning. Walking ...
  • Albert Einstein - "The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination."...
  • I was out with the wife the other day. She'd actually made an effort for a change and looked stunnin...
  • I feel sorry for fat people on buses....
  • I pulled a bird in the pub and took her back to my place. She was fucking ugly, so I gave her a sexy...
  • My daughter came up to me and asked, "Can I have £30 for this thing on eBay?"...
  • I really fancy the Saturdays. ...
  • Just been to see the new chameleon exhibit at the local reptile house....
  • I've just read a brilliant book about the cannabis that Jonathan Ross used to smoke....
  • I got kicked out the Dragons Den last week, all I did was congratulate the dragons individually on t...
  • My little disabled Son is a funny fucker. His party piece is to pull outrageously funny faces in fro...
  • I live in a really rough area, full of criminals. On one side of me there's a car thief, on the othe...
  • I went up to a feminist and asked her what she thought about the WWE....
  • Celebrating my 9th wedding anniversary this weekend. ...
  • One thing you can always bet on in the Grand National,...
  • My wife is always having a go. Just yesterday she had a go at me for taking Football Manager far too...
  • After watching Alvin and The Chipmunks 1 & 2, I can't wait for the third installment,...
  • Breaking News: Archaeologists digging at the site of Shakespeare's house have uncovered thousands of...
  • "Emergency, which service?"...
  • I always keep a bottle of champagne and a large cigar under my side of the bed....
  • My girlfriend came into the bedroom earlier, and told me that she was pregnant....
  • My 11 year old son got caught fingering a girl called Sarah at his school today....
  • Sharks aren't the bad guys. If some stranger entered my house in just a Speedo...
  • I tried to teach my dog how to fetch....
  • 3 dead in second Japanese quake....
  • "When you domesticate a pet and own it for ages," I said, "letting them back into the...
  • BBC News: Japan warned of second earthquake....
  • One of my living room walls is painted black....
  • Apparently in a past life I was really gullible....
  • Never do a runner from a Kenyan restaurant....
  • Fuck you Portugal...
  • Anybody who says I'm racist clearly hasn't seen my porn collection....
  • And so, with a heavy heart, I explained to the wife that I've got too much iron in my blood....
  • Friends are like trees....
  • What do you call a lion wearing a stylish hat?...
  • My black mate said he raped a girl as punishment for saying the 'N' word....
  • Wouldn't it be apt if:...
  • Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index f...
  • The Slinky: Crushing the happiness of children living in bungalows since 1945....
  • If you think what a footballer does on TV has any influence on me...
  • Katie Price has said she's not having a fruit cake at her next wedding....
  • After I finally dragged Adele away from the buffet and into the car, she kept screaming at me the wh...
  • The wife shouted, "You silly cunt, you're saying you just got sacked for headbutting a french v...
  • Met my new business partner today. He said, "Hi, quick introduction I guess. My name's Dave and...
  • I loved being Bono's bank manager, the thick twat never noticed I always got the secretary to miss o...
  • I can't help but think that if Jesus had smartened himself up for the trial...
  • My girlfriend said that I'm too immature for her....
  • BBC News : "Big Brother Returns To Channel 5"...
  • Just 'liked' Marmite on Facebook to fuck with the system....
  • For a laugh I often leave a little patch of pubic hair just above my cock when I shave....
  • I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle ...
  • Someone left a bottle of vodka on my doorstep today....
  • "Portugal calls for EU financial bail-out."...
  • Putting a pin through all of my best friends condoms seemed like a good idea at the time....
  • Rebecca Black once said in an interview: "I can't write music without inspiration."...
  • What did one Walkers crisp say to another Walkers crisp?...
  • I probably shouldn't have driven home from the pub last night......
  • The FA have been investigating Wayne Rooney's foul-mouthed celebration at the weekend. He looked int...
  • I phoned up the fishing helpline today....
  • Girl: What colour are my eyes?...
  • I've decided to take the day off today....
  • I don't know why Fulham fans are complaining...
  • I'm not saying I've got a big cock but when I get a hard-on I haven't got enough skin left to close ...
  • When I got depressed, I joined the Army....
  • The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford ba...
  • I typed an essay in Word about a concerned Bugs Bunny....
  • I recently decided to sign up to one of those dating websites....
  • My wife just said, "It's your turn next, what do you want for Father's Day?" ...
  • I always seem to hurt the ones I love the most....
  • I was never the biggest boy in the showers...
  • In today's lesson, my history teacher asked us to imagine a newspaper headline from Japan, thirty ye...
  • So apparently my wife left me for being a Mr. Know-it-all....
  • "UN-Staffed office bombed"...
  • My ex-girlfriend's father came up to me in the street with a baseball bat. He beat me with it until ...
  • After the 2.2 magnitude earthquake in Blackpool, a huge crack has appeared on the promenade....
  • A young polish girl said to me "do you want a 69 with me?" I replied "I'd rather have...
  • I vowed to my wife that I would never hit her again, that I would find a job and raise my kids prope...
  • I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it's 15p....
  • There were that many Pakis indoors watching the cricket semi final...
  • I asked my mum what she wants for Mother's Day. She said, "All I want is a bit of caring and lo...
  • My friend said to me that I had dropped my gay card....
  • I listened as this couple discussed the options before them....
  • Today I got up and did my normal routine, Shit, Shower and shave....
  • Every year I play an April Fool's Day prank on my wife....
  • I came home tonght and said to my wife whilst waving a lottery ticket, "Guess who's won the Eur...
  • I was on the train today when some paki stood up and screamed ALAHU AKHBAR! before pressing down on ...
  • Sadly, even after years of meditation in a Tibetan monastery, Wally never managed to find himself....
  • I watched that England A versus England B cricket match earlier....
  • This American came into my butcher's shop today. "Got any beef jerky?"...
  • When I was training my dog, whenever he did a shit or piss indoors I'd rub his face in it....
  • I read a story in the newspaper the other day about a Father who paid his daughter for sex. I was ab...
  • I feel like a dick calling up tech support cause they are all based in third world countries. ...
  • I once had a guided tour in Hanover, Germany....
  • A black person asked me 'What is the time' so I said 'Time you stole a watch'...
  • My girlfriend is so dirty. This afternoon she text me saying 'Hey babe, I'm fingering atm :P xxx.'...
  • I was texting this girl I met on the internet...
  • Just saw 'the credit expert' on TV and I think I spotted a chink in his armour....
  • When my wife came home from work, I had to have a talk to her about our moody teenage son....
  • Sky News:...
  • Today I feel like a tampon...
  • Just seen a crowd of black people huddled around the bottom of Nelson's Column ...
  • I saw a billboard on the way to work this morning that read "Future Events."...
  • PM urges 'new beginning' for Libya....
  • Last year for Halloween me and my mate were meant to go trick or treating as a pair of breasts...
  • 5 months after his divorce from Dawn French, Lenny Henry has stated that he "still hasn't gotte...
  • When I was 14, my dad found some cigarettes in my bedroom....
  • I went into KFC and asked for a combo. ...
  • The wife dragged our new puppy outside to have a shit on the village green, the poor little fucker....
  • BBC News: Questions being asked why bomb detecting equipment didn't detect fake bomb on board plane ...
  • It's high time Britain changed the national anthem from "God save the Queen"...
  • Ladies and gentlemen, please swing, for the national anthem of Ghana......
  • BBC News: Muslim woman to compete for Miss Universe...
  • 21,000 Ghanaian fans visit Wembley for the England vs Ghana match....
  • Adele is still at the top of the charts because no one can move her....
  • Rule 34 of the internet states that if it exists, there is porn of it....
  • If you watch Mr. Bean without the laugh track it's a very moving drama about a man with severe learn...
  • Masturbation is so much easier for kids these days....
  • I was out clubbing last night when I went up to this fat beast of a woman standing alone at the bar....
  • I was reading through the ingredients for a fruit salad I'm making today and it said:...
  • I was telling my mate how last night I fucked three prostitutes in seven minutes without a condom....
  • My new girlfriend told me that she had never met a man who could remove a girl's bra with one hand....
  • Embarrassingly, I got an erection at work the other day. I lifted it out of my boxers; to hold it up...
  • Cheryl Cole: life is too short to have just one colour. Perhaps Cheryl, you could have a white strea...
  • As I worked my lips down my wife's arm, kissing every bit of it I said,...
  • An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do ...
  • I said to my mate, "I just watched that film about the Nazis."...
  • Currently stuck at an auction bidding for a house with a lengthy corridor...
  • "Susan, will you marry me?"...
  • I'm with the government when it comes to solving this country's problems....
  • MSN News: 'Crocodile Found Swimming In Pool At Home'....
  • Adele - Chasing Pavements...
  • I keep having a recurring nightmare about fruit machines, the wife is really supportive and to wake ...
  • I'm scared of what the future may bring....
  • As my wife stood perilously on the ledge, I screamed, "Don't do it. Don't jump, go back inside&...
  • OCD sufferers....
  • What do paedophiles and women over 30 have in common?...
  • On a recent trip to Alton Towers, I went on the scariest ride of my life....
  • The wife asked me to clean the lounge today, so I flicked the duster around for a few minutes then s...
  • I was delivering leaflets on flatulence awareness this morning....
  • I'm guessing in Ethiopia they do "Yo mama's so thin" jokes....
  • My wife's got her own method of contraception......
  • Ten small babies, sleeping on the wall....
  • There's only one thing flatter than Fearne Cotton's chest......
  • This Arab pushed in front of me at the bank today, so I tapped the notice and read to him slowly,...
  • Sometimes, life throws you a curve ball and you just don't know enough about baseball to finish the ...
  • Man I'm tired......
  • If you change "Jesus Of Nazareth" to "Jesus Of Mars"...
  • I asked my grandmother for "something Cuban" for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara...
  • "Piss off!"...
  • I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to Religion I was soon abl...
  • I walked into McDonald's today and asked for a Chicken Legend....
  • Apparently, Colonel Gaddafi's gone into hiding and surrounded himself with 40 virgins....
  • I am a master of blackmail, extortion, treachery, deception, intimidation, evasion, duplicity and co...
  • 'Wolfgang Mozart!' said Mozart's friend...
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  • What did Rihanna say when she met the KKK?...
  • I've just turned all my Granddad's clocks forward for him....
  • What's green, smelly and oozes out of a man's penis?...
  • A policeman knocked on my door last night....
  • At work, I've got a rag-head to one side of me, a nigger to the other, a Paki in front and I'm fucki...
  • It's been exactly a year since I stopped smoking....
  • My daughter came home the other day and broke the news to me that she has been having sex with one o...
  • I saw on the news that a French fighter jet has brought down a Libyan fighter jet....
  • So 1p has been cut from petrol?...
  • I was ice-skating today just minding my own business when I noticed some big fat bird kept giving me...
  • I love going shopping at Asda....
  • I bought some of those new "Menopause Haribo's"...
  • Sky News: Sex can kill....
  • I had a wank into my school bag today....
  • When I was at school I belonged to a gang called The Secret Seven and we were sworn to secrecy....
  • BBC NEWS: Man arrested for letting children live in filth...
  • There are 3 things in life that are certain -...
  • Dyslexics, have a break - have a Tic Tac!...
  • The wife is complaining that the tumble dryer is shrinking all of her clothes and asked me to get ri...
  • All the mothers at the childrens park were astonished as they watched a pram seemingly wheel itself ...
  • So Katie Price is talking about marrying her new boyfriend?...
  • 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 10% of people with PhDs love to contradict their colleagues....
  • The headteacher at my school called me in to his office today....
  • My wife told me if she ever won the Lottery she wouldn't give me a penny and she'd move out of the c...
  • It's ironic that Reading Festival would be fucked if they booked none of the bands......
  • I just saw that ad, "dont be afraid to talk about mental health"...
  • I'm pretty sure that's the last time the charity people will leave me a bag saying...
  • I did two hours straight in the gym earlier....
  • Due to an unfortunate genetic defect I have been told that I can't drive. It has left me with a lack...
  • How did I get out of Iraq?...
  • I asked my wife did she cum last night or fake it? She just burst out crying....
  • BBC News : "Gaddafi 'Not Targeted' By US Strikes"...
  • I was on a cruise ship which had both sides labelled as starboard...
  • "Dad, can you do my maths homework for me?"...
  • There's a competition to find Britain's most popular joke....
  • I was walking into my local pub, when I suddenly realised it was darts night....
  • So, X-rated websites have been given the approval to have the XXX domain name?...
  • My wife has stopped responding to foreplay and I have to go in dry....
  • I was hanging with a couple of friends this morning when I thought...
  • I've just been raped by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle....
  • BBC News: Officials said that radiation levels in spinach from farms near Fukushima exceeded governm...
  • I don't know why so many people complain about rape....
  • My wife shouted upstairs, "The sun's just come out."...
  • I've started attending a self-help group for sex addicts....
  • My family think I'm a bike stuntsman....
  • Why did the Japanese kid drop his ice cream?...
  • For the next Comic Relief:...
  • I was ramming this little girl up the arse the other day....
  • The Sun: 'Blizzards Hit Japan. How much more can these people take?'...
  • I put some body spray on last night, but I only managed to pull Anne Robinson. ...
  • Isn't it ironic?...
  • My girlfriend is essentially a prostitute who does a lot of charity work....
  • The kids were running round the pub creche earlier today, screaming their heads off, so I took them ...
  • "Blood on your toothbrush can be a sign of gum disease."...
  • 'Musician Wyclef Jean shot in hand'...
  • "Your cock is so small, I can't even feel it," my wife shouted at me during one of our rar...
  • I said to my daughter, "Just put it to your mouth and blow."...
  • I'm confident that with Aston Villa's pedigree and support they will be a top four club next season....
  • My wife started complaining about a fly buzzing around the room, but a few smacks solved that proble...
  • A girl on a bus said she would suck me off for £5. When she finished...
  • Well, I know I won't be able to watch Comic Relief tonight without picking up the phone....
  • RomeoAndJuliet.docx is a play on word....
  • If women are so obsessed with big cocks why are they so fucking happy when they make a smaller tampo...
  • My Friend Just Updated Her Status " Watching Comic Relief...
  • My wife told me today "the coverage from Japan has some really moving pictures."...
  • For some reason I'm really struggling to sell my house at the moment....
  • I fucked a Japanese bird last night....
  • My life's been a living hell ever since all my numbers came up on the Lotto....
  • Ireland has committed itself to helping with the No-Fly zone in Libya....
  • My new telly is brilliant, it shows 50 frames per second....
  • My wife said she's leaving me, because I'm reckless and keep taking stupid risks....
  • I called my son a bloody disappointment today and the wife burst out in tears....
  • BBC news: Japanese military drop tonnes of water on nuclear reactor....
  • "How did the night go babysitting the kids?" my mate asked....
  • I was finding it really hard to decide whether I should donate money to japan or comic relief....
  • I just put a huge load in the dishwasher....
  • It's an absolute disgrace that throughout 13 series of Midsomer Murders there has never been a colou...
  • BBC NEWS: 'World's largest paedophile ring uncovered'...
  • BBC News: Radioactive plume heading for California....
  • Janet Street Porter walks into a bar & says, 'Can I get a large aperitif?'...
  • I got caught sniffing my daughters knickers this morning....
  • I hate the auto-correct feature on my phone....
  • I got back from my St John's ambulance training today. My wife asked me how it went....
  • I wouldn't consider myself good-looking...
  • Me and my mate like to rate girls out of ten......
  • Whenever I'm ill, I don't go to the NHS, I go to a cave and shout my problem in there......
  • Did you know 90% of car accidents are men's fault?...
  • Whats the best thing about watching Nickelodeon and The Disney Channel on tv?...
  • Why do Japanese people always bow?...
  • Americans are now saying the earthquake in Japan is karma for Pearl Harbour....
  • I met these beautiful Thai birds in a club last night. We really hit it off and eventually I plucked...
  • Me and my mate were rating girls out of 10...
  • I walked into a corner shop In Liverpool and picked up a chocolate bar....
  • I'm absolutely gutted. Some cunt has wiped my bank account, stole the fucking lot....
  • Japan news: Global penis length average grows as death toll rises...
  • What's red on the outside and black on the inside?...
  • There are only two people in the world I don't want to have sex with: my mother and one of my sister...
  • "Better out than in" my dad always used to say,...
  • All the concern about a nuclear meltdown in Japan...
  • I asked my mum what she had bought me for my birthday?...
  • Why is there no looting in Japan?...
  • My new sofa has just arrived... *Hand wash only* reads one of the tags....
  • Most men carry condoms in case they meet a good looking lady when they go out....
  • ITV News Reporter: '2,000,000 Japanese people left without water' ...
  • One of the girls in work called me arrogant yesterday so I asked what she meant....
  • Sky News - "Japanese airports are full as hundreds of foreigners are fleeing the country...&quo...
  • My Jewish mate claims he's no longer a paedophile because it's immoral....
  • You know your country is fucked when Afghanistan sends $50...
  • BBC SPORT: Japan confirm planned football matches to go ahead....
  • My young son was wearing a red cape earlier, "Good lad," I said, "wanting to grow up ...
  • I found a message in a bottle on the beach this morning....
  • The three laws of American Engineering:...
  • BBC NEWS: Kenya offer condolences to Japan....
  • I fitted a mirror to our bedroom ceiling but it came crashing down when the wife and I were shagging...
  • Britain is one of the first nations to send search and rescue teams to Japan....
  • My 5 year old son is glued to the TV....
  • Turns out that when the whole population of China jump at the same time...
  • I like to think of this recent natural disaster as karma...
  • RIP my Japanese friend...
  • BBC News: AMERICA TO SEND 2 NUCLEAR EXPERTS TO JAPAN...
  • Radiation leak confirmed at Fukushima plant in Japan....
  • Why are the Japanese so worried about their nuclear reactors going into meltdown? Average temperatur...
  • So, Pokemon Black came out this weekend....
  • I just rung my Japanese friend to make sure he was okay after the Tsunami and all he did was go on a...
  • The wife was having a go at me. "Life's just one big joke to you isn't it."...
  • I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse....
  • What's funnier than a female comedian?...
  • I went swimming in the Black Sea....
  • "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" quickly became a feminist anthem for women....
  • BBC News: "Sacked Sheen sues show"......
  • To white people it's copyright infringement...
  • Finally. A natural disaster in a country I don't have to give money to....
  • I was awarded the title of "Saddest Man in the World"....
  • Jeff, who I knew years ago, started working in my building. We'd had several chats before he sheepis...
  • It's finally my daughter's 18th Birthday tomorrow, and the end of a tradition for me. For her last 6...
  • Steve Jobs says, "The only way Apple devices will get Flash is over my dead body."...
  • My girlfriend said to me, "Play one more game of FIFA and I'm moving out."...
  • The blind Chinese kid next door to me is as thick as pig shit....
  • What did one Geordie say to another Geordie?...
  • The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle....
  • My mum just texted me saying 'call me ASAP'...
  • Last night during some role play my wife dressed up as Lara Croft....
  • I've just met a woman who raps about equality for women everywhere....
  • After watching Star Wars, I feel I can really relate to Luke Skywalker....
  • I was chatting to a girl in a club last night....
  • Whilst cooking I got some herbs in my eye...
  • I was just spelling out 'interfering cunt' with some alphabeti spaghetti......
  • "The sexiest thing about you is what's on the inside"...
  • This pregnant girl I know has made a separate facebook account just for her unborn child....
  • I went on thesaurus.com the other day and typed in the word "Ninjas"...
  • I heard that Justin Bieber has a 10 inch cock. ...
  • We were watching the news when my wife said, "Fucking paedophiles deserve all they get, I can't...
  • I can't believe that anybody thought that England could beat Ireland in cricket; haven't they seen t...
  • I took out my iPad on the bus today to kill some time and everyone started getting pissed at me for ...
  • My girlfriend walked in on me last night wanking over Rosie Webster on Coronation Street....
  • Charlie Sheen wants $3million an episode for Two and a Half Men....
  • So Iran are threatening to boycott the 2012 Olympics because the logo can be rearranged to spell ''Z...
  • It took a lot of balls for me to go on the Channel 4 show ''Embarrassing Bodies''. ...
  • I wanted to sue the airline because they damaged my luggage....
  • My wife laughed at me because i struggled to get a proper full on erection....
  • Women drivers seriously piss me off....
  • Roman Abramovich has launched a line of Chelsea Souvenir Assault Rifles- Coleashleykovs....
  • I've just bought a Dalmatian puppy....
  • I've grown to hate low ceilings....
  • Wayne Rooney's video game out now: Pre-Evolution Soccer....
  • They say a picture is worth a thousand words....
  • About 50% of analysis is anal....
  • I said to my wife, "Do you hear that? No one whining, moaning or complaining. The sound of sile...
  • I hate predictive text....
  • My wife's a bit like Pinocchio....
  • "Someone's been eating my porridge!" said Father bear....
  • As a huge fan of the Olympics, I'm dreading 2012. ...
  • I said to my son tonight, "You're adopted!"...
  • I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle...
  • My wife has asked me to get her some gloves to wear at her mother's funeral....
  • I hired a brass band to celebrate the birth of my child....
  • I'm a big fan of "The Inbetweeners". I love the catchphrases....
  • When my wife was pregnant for the first time we had a friendly bet going on whether it would be a pi...
  • Girl : Wanna cook tonight?...
  • I've founded a band called The Prevention. We're going to be better than The Cure...
  • I got the sack today. There was a girl sat behind me at work. She had a short black skirt on... ...
  • I used to love munching on those little baby bells, but ive had to stop....
  • Why don't you find black people in Nuts magazine?...
  • I was walking through town today and saw a group of fat goths....
  • Anne Frank should've hired the people who designed the power button on Macs to hide her....
  • Whenever my son hears my wife and I arguing, I always tell him to go to his room and listen to some ...
  • Being a Paedophilic Teacher, I bring a whole new meaning to the saying....
  • I'm a lot like a Morrision's TV advert....
  • Additional Maths. Exercise 10C, Simultaneous Equations. Question 3....
  • My daughter is eighteen years old but is a very late developer....
  • I woke up this morning to the news my grandmother had been murdered. ...
  • My six year old daughter attempted suicide this morning....
  • I nipped round to Duncan Bannatyne's house with my business idea but a note on his door said "I...
  • Anyone who says that onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry has never been hit in the f...
  • Sylvester Stallone, please sort your mum out....
  • Sony have announced that they plan to prosecute everyone who's hacked a PS3....
  • I celebrated my 21st in New Zealand yesterday....
  • I was supposed to visit Australia last month, but they were flooded with applicants....
  • I was trying to find a way to kill my wife without raising suspicion....
  • I was fishing with my Italian friend Mario....
  • Having Parkinson's disease does have an up side....
  • My daughter has Bieber fever....
  • I was laying next to my new girlfriend and I said...
  • "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" said my late wife....
  • The Sun:...
  • If my son farts or has his hands down his pants, my wife smiles and says, "Like father, like so...
  • Why are black people such good dancers?...
  • I think the makers of the JLS condoms misinterpreted my suggestion to put some cunts on the box to e...
  • I recently agreed to meet an old bird off the internet. She's knocking on 50......
  • Walkers are set to launch their Comic Relief range of crisps in Korea...
  • I was having dinner with Mr T and he said "Don't talk with your mouth full"...
  • My posh neighbour looked over the fence today with a smug grin on his face. He said, " I did an...
  • With Rihanna setting the new craze of dying your hair red, it has almost made being ginger cool....
  • I've come up with this amazing idea....
  • If I had a pound for every time I had to go shopping with the missus......
  • I was at my Mum's when she said "Russell, you're 29 years old now, when are you going to find a...
  • If you're always organizing things...
  • Just got back from 2 months working in Asia. I can't wait to see my family and friends....
  • I've lost a fortune buying Polish racing pigeons....
  • BBC News: "Swindon man held for 'wicked' murder"...
  • I read in a marriage counsel magazine that if your partner is having an affair, she'll make up pathe...
  • I donated to a sperm bank yesterday....
  • What's the worst thing about being British?...
  • I was having a kinky wank today and when I'd finished I decided to go to the bank to cash a cheque....
  • My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks....
  • When I was younger I didn't know what tits were...
  • A man goes into a library and asks for a book on chlamydia....
  • After getting woken up by a pissed up West Ham fan singing "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles" o...
  • Why did the muslim cross the road?...
  • Do Blue Peter presenters introduce an ex-girlfriend as one they've done earlier?...
  • I went next door to welcome the new Black couple to our street today, when one of them asked, "...
  • Can't imagine Rihanna's too happy with her position in the Top 40 singles chart this week...
  • I was chatting up a woman in the pub last night....
  • My maths teacher asked me what comes after 69? ...
  • So the new Justin Bieber movie is rated a 12. ...
  • A Hindu man at work started mocking me about my new religion, scientology....
  • A Hindu man at work started mocking me about my new religion, scientology....
  • In a effort to give my girlfriend a birthday night she won't forget I've bought ten Viagra pills....
  • In a effort to give my girlfriend a birthday night she won't forget I've bought ten Viagra pills....
  • I was amazed to read that a British soldier has received the world's first bionic arm....
  • I was amazed to read that a British soldier has received the world's first bionic arm....
  • Once you go black you never go back.......
  • Once you go black you never go back.......
  • I'm launching an enquiry against ITV's show Push the Button. Ant and Dec are putting peoples lives i...
  • I'm launching an enquiry against ITV's show Push the Button. Ant and Dec are putting peoples lives i...
  • I'm posting an ad on an adult dating site....
  • I'm posting an ad on an adult dating site....
  • Nick Clegg has said that he will do everything in his power to secure the alternative vote....
  • Nick Clegg has said that he will do everything in his power to secure the alternative vote....
  • All of my passwords are "incorrect" so my computer always tells me if I forget....
  • I just saw a group on Facebook - "We were given: Two hands to hold. Two legs to walk. Two eyes ...
  • I secretly put an app on my wife's phone so I can know exactly where she is at any time of the day t...
  • SKY NEWS: White parents now have the choice to adopt ethnic or black children....
  • At the pub quiz last night, a question came up: "Define the meaning of the word 'Niggling'.&quo...
  • I'll always remember the day my parents sat me down and said, "Son, if at first you don't succe...
  • Following Ryan Giggs' new deal with Manchester United, Emile Heskey thinks it's about time he had ta...
  • Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager....
  • My boss was mocking my attempt to grow a moustache....
  • I'm useless with computers! I'm such a techno-numpty! I only have to touch the things and they break...
  • I was in a traffic jam when all of a sudden these two little fuckers are trying to remove my hubcaps...
  • If Maddie is living in the US now...
  • I can't believe I began smoking last week, even after everyone warned me that I'd lose all sense of ...
  • I'm in big trouble....
  • The Catholic Church has announced that now the condoms can be used in certain exceptional circumstan...
  • I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the...
  • A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one ...
  • I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents....
  • For fuck's sake, what a mess to sort out. I can't believe I've mixed their Valentine's Day cards up....
  • I sent my wife Katie a Valentines Day card. It read;...
  • My daughter said, "Dad, I think our house is haunted by a poltergeist!"...
  • "Now pay attention...
  • Women fucking drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and ...
  • I got on the bus the other day and said to the driver, "Return, please."...
  • Could YOU be living next door to a paedophile?...
  • 'You can tell a lot about a person by their car.'...
  • I was talking to my wife today after our son got sent home early from school for swearing....
  • I'm treating my wife to a romantic dinner for valentines day....
  • Last year on Valentine's Day my fiancée of 5 years bought me a lottery ticket and I won &poun...
  • A man walks into a Library and says, "Have you got the book, 'How To Suck Yourself Off'?"...
  • What do you call the ocean next to New Zealand?...
  • I thought I'd got lucky yesterday morning when my wife text me to tell me she was packing her bags, ...
  • After Richard Branson sacked me from his airline I set up a website in protest....
  • BBC 'Soldier killed by sniper missed by many", ...
  • Valentine's Day:...
  • Boy: Hi...
  • FACT: your soap dispenser harbours millions of germs!!...
  • NEWS: Worlds deepest well found in Jordan....
  • My wife asked me for some money for a new outfit for a night out with the girls....
  • Costing only £85 per year...
  • I've arranged for a babysitter to come round on Monday evening....
  • Today, my wife told me I am immature and need to grow up....
  • My wife and I both like to play games that reflect our jobs....
  • That game The Sims is pretty cool....
  • After a night out, I dropped the wife off and drove the babysitter home....
  • I was really scared on my first night in prison....
  • I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then s...
  • I tried pushing a penguin wrapper up my wife's arse whilst she was asleep. ...
  • My pregnant girlfriend said, "Would you mind if the baby was disabled?"...
  • Sky news -...
  • As a paranoid schizophrenic I take the lift alone to my top floor apartment......
  • Emile Heskey has hit out at his critics....
  • I said to the wife, 'You've got to admit that's a bit weird love'...
  • I've been arrested for setting up a website that provides kits to save & protect young moles....
  • "This is the last time I'm going to tell you," I said to my daughter. "You can't have...
  • I've always been very grateful for the advice I got when I was in school....
  • My mate hung himself in a modern art gallery....
  • A fat kid comes home from school and says to his Mother, "I got the highest score in PE today.&...
  • Who named Trojan condoms?...
  • Subway is similar to prostitution...
  • Me and my mate were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography....
  • I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing....
  • Just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut....
  • Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife....
  • On my tombstone I want it to say:...
  • Calling out your ex-girlfriend's name during sex is a nice way to show your current girlfriend that ...
  • An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a ...
  • My girlfriend's pretty thick, everything goes over her head....
  • I get complaints from my neighbours because I always walk about my garden wearing only my boxers....
  • I just put 4 stella on the counter and asked for 20 fags....
  • I'm knackered from my first go at cooking but they're gonna love their little meringue cases as I fo...
  • BBC News: "Man stabbed to death by cockfighting bird"...
  • With the death of Gary Moore and following that of Stephen Gately, that is now two Irish musicians t...
  • From a nearby café I witnessed the 9/11 attacks and despite what others say...
  • Q. What do Madeline McCann and blue smarties have in common?...
  • My first ever wank was over a life-sized picture of a mermaid's tits....
  • Word to the wise, never take Viagra before going to school....
  • Heskey finishes a day of playing football...
  • My wife came home from work early and caught me wearing a ball gown. She was disgusted....
  • Me and the wife were arguing at the bus stop when the bus pulls over. The driver opened the door and...
  • "You wouldn't punish me for something I hadn't done, would you?" I asked my teacher....
  • Phoned my mate last night and said to him " I'm selling my Microwave. The Kids put our pet roos...
  • Did you know that Sean Connery's 80 ...
  • Gary Neville was out on the town in Machester last night celebrating his retirement with his Man Uni...
  • The race for the Egyptian presidency starts today as seven babies in baskets will be sent down the N...
  • My girlfriend showed me a picture of the new bloke at work, she said, "he works out every day, ...
  • My football team is sponsored by Apple...
  • I went to Poland once...
  • I went in to complain about the level of education at my son's school. ...
  • My next door neighbour's battery went in his Smart car today...
  • The definition of irony;...
  • Some of the lads in the pub were talking about wanking. One lad said that if you sit on your hand ti...
  • Ever notice that 'Innocent' fruit smoothies are available in every colour except black?...
  • Men think about sex every seven seconds....
  • My dad walked in on me while smoking a joint in one hand...
  • A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper. ...
  • My New Year's resolution is to stop leaving things so late....
  • Andy Carroll is a bigger waste of money than Joanne Yeates' pizza!...
  • BBC News: 'Woman Jailed After Killing Man With A Single Punch'....
  • Yahoo: 'Egypt brace for biggest march'...
  • Seems to me like most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon....
  • Liverpool: Hi lads, how much for Carroll? ...
  • Apparently, calling all the Jews that survived the holocaust ''Oven dodgers'', is an easy way to get...
  • Last night, I punched my wife right in the mouth as I was angry at my sub-standard cold dinner....
  • BBC News: "One million march across Egypt"...
  • The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here"....
  • Emma Watson has been quoted as saying she would go naked in a film if asked....
  • I bumped into Sian Massey in the street today. I said, "Are you aware of the uproar caused afte...
  • I was texting this girl last night....
  • I can have sex with a woman for free, and it's legal....
  • I'm shitting myself about going for this brain scan tomorrow....
  • Do you reckon Thomas Edison got the lightbulb above the head moment and thought...
  • Does Africa have a Lynx 'England' that smells of cigarettes and disappointment?...
  • When you catch a fish and put it back...
  • My last girlfriend was a screamer....
  • I had a fright when I woke up and found a naked 13 year old boy in my bed this morning....
  • My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and I'm worried because it means I can also get it one day....
  • SKY NEWS: 'man flu' is not a myth, scientists say. ...
  • I was just in a gay bar when I asked a guy, "I bet you twenty quid, I can ask you a question an...
  • My wife told me I'm not allowed to call it "The Paki Shop" anymore - so we've compromised ...
  • I rushed to the hospital when I was told that my nan didn't have long left....
  • Want to know what really floats my boat?...
  • I'd like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: ...
  • As I looked down at my son in his coffin...
  • Little Johnny got kicked out of class today! The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 an...
  • There was an accident on the motorway today....
  • Fool people into thinking you have a social life by going offline for a few hours....
  • I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are.&...
  • A man goes into a library and doesn't ask for a book. Instead he uses his own eyes and common sense....
  • In an effort to be sexy, my girlfriend shoved a lollipop up her pussy....
  • I think my teacher fancies me; there were loads of kisses all over my homework......
  • What's the difference between a nipple and a cock?...
  • I have blue eyes. I got them from my father....
  • My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo....
  • I don't understand rich people. They get to go out killing pheasants and foxes with rifles and peopl...
  • My friends say that I'm gay because I don't like football....
  • I was vacuuming the other day when I tripped on the cord and landed on the nozzle, which violently e...
  • I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and have planned to get my revenge with Matt Damon ever since...
  • I've just published a book on preserving the rainforest and what we can do as a human race to help p...
  • Some universities have Women Studies, but no Men Studies. That's pretty sexist, but then I realised ...
  • Since I was a 14 year old lad, I've dated girls in alphabetical order, starting from A, in an attemp...
  • I'm not sure if they have changed the rules of snooker...
  • As my wife bit into her McDonald's apple pie, it all came bursting out the sides....
  • My wife's fanny smells like roses....
  • My wife told me that we have too many pointless rooms in the house and that we should move to a smal...
  • British soldiers...
  • Dentists are going on strike...
  • My fucking neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning...
  • Sunderland have accepted a £24 million offer for Darren Bent...
  • BBC News: Man takes off hat and is charged with indecent exposure....
  • I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird....
  • I tried that thing today at the petrol station where you try and stop the pump bang on what you want...
  • I've got a compilation CD of Arctic Monkeys' best songs from their three albums. ...
  • My next song is about subtraction....
  • I'll tell you a couple of things that make me jump....
  • What does FIFA stand for? ...
  • Police phoned me last night to tell me someone had broke into my house and drank all of my Stella an...
  • I was watching "Rip off Britain" on BBC1...
  • I had some good news today: BBC2 have commissioned my new show about what goes on inside a cockpit....
  • I've got a trial soon at Old Trafford, to see if I'm up to scratch and whether Sir Alex Ferguson wil...
  • Saw a group on Facebook: 'Boys should treat their girls like they treat their PS3 or Xbox'....
  • Today,the girl who works next to me in the office came back from lunch and started shouting....
  • My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name....
  • Fool people into thinking you've been to Madame Tussauds by having your photo taken with various cel...
  • I have OC/DC. It's just like OCD except it fucking rocks....
  • "How depressing, it's so cold and grey," said the wife....
  • I decided to join a charity, and sponsor an African child. They said all I had to do was pay £...
  • My daughter was going on a date with a black guy and I was furious. I said to her, "If you go o...
  • I needed some milk this morning, so I went round to my neighbours and asked them through the letter ...
  • Sometimes, I really hate myself....
  • MSN News. Calf born with 2 heads....
  • BBC News: White girls seen as 'easy meat' for Pakistanis....
  • MOBILITY SCOOTER DRIVERS...
  • The sack race: ...
  • I was just washing my hands in the mens toilets, when I thought to myself;...
  • I made a chicken salad today....
  • At work today, my self-conscious colleague was getting paranoid about her weight, "I am so fat!...
  • I saw this nigger in Nikes running down the road with a huge TV in his arms....
  • I was in an English exam and they asked "Write the past tense of 'Think'"...
  • BBC NEWS: French Chef commits suicide after critics attack....
  • BBC News: Jo Yeates' body was missing sock...
  • I've just bought a girls virginity on eBay for £2,500....
  • Kate and Gerry have just found out that she is 2 months pregnant....
  • The legal age for consensual sex in Italy is just 14. Well...
  • The Archbishop of Canterbury is to marry Prince William....
  • 5th January 2011: ...
  • My wife always ends her texts with "OXoxOXoXo", I've never understood what it meant....
  • It's cruel that people make fun of the way Stephen Hawking talks....
  • I'm a logger and I like my women how I like my trees......
  • I've been watching the cricket for hours now,...
  • After watching some soppy film my girlfriend texted me:...
  • I had unprotected sex with a girl on a one night stand last night....
  • Jesus died for our sins......
  • I can't wait until they can put wings on humans. Because if they could put wings on humans...
  • SKY NEWS- Thousands Of Dead Birds Fall From Sky In US...
  • May contain traces of nut-...
  • I'm starting to worry that this seemingly endless succession of bank holidays is just David Cameron'...
  • I told the wife that taking down the Christmas decorations early was bad luck but she just wouldn't ...
  • Me and my girlfriend are having a communication problem....
  • My girlfriend said, "Fancy a bit of phone fun tonight?"...
  • I manage to bring a different girl home every weekend....
  • My wife asked, "How did that mark get on your cock?"...
  • Some paraplegic at the pub accused me of stealing his wheelchair last night....
  • My mate said, "I've heard a little rumour that your daughter might be a lesbian."...
  • That was a cracking New year's party I went to last night. Nice looking women, great food, good musi...
  • Sitting in the pub yesterday when I began to think, "If it wasn't for my grandma, I wouldn't be...
  • You know what I call girls that can run faster than me?...
  • My wife buys a dishwasher, a robotic hoover and a programmable oven to make her life easier round th...
  • If I was George McFly...
  • "The flooding in Queensland, Australia, is of 'biblical proportions', a senior official says&qu...
  • I texted my wife a picture of my flaccid penis....
  • I often say to myself...
  • My Muslim friend was saying he was sick of stereotypes about his religion....
  • I have a friend named Jay. ...
  • My wife walked in as I was giving my dog a blow job....
  • I bought Bonnie Tyler's car last year on ebay....
  • News: Men are, on average, a stone heavier than they were 15 years ago....
  • Why did the Muslim cross the.......
  • If you can play a guitar and harmonica at the same time...
  • My main Christmas gifts this year were an iPad and a vagina costume. ...
  • I bought my girlfriend's son a game for his Xbox that was 'pre-owned' and the ungrateful little bast...
  • As a naughty treat for Christmas, my wife's present to me was a book of vouchers that she had made h...
  • If God were a vehicle, he'd be an ice cream van....
  • I was standing at the bus stop with my son in his pram when a woman looked down at him and said, &qu...
  • I just broke up with my wife on religious grounds,...
  • Do I agree that education is getting too expensive?...
  • Advice if you're intending to teabag your girlfriend: take care not to strain yourself....
  • I'm not a competitive person...
  • I upset my girlfriend at Christmas dinner this year by calling her mum a witch....
  • A homeless guy just approached me asking for change....
  • When it comes to girls, I'm like the tortoise....
  • Bought my 14 year old daughter a Chastity belt for Xmas. My wife thinks it's a great idea....
  • Hugh Hefner is to marry again and so will be fucking yet another young playmate....
  • I met a fit blonde girl in Essex today....
  • So another year has passed and I can't help but notice that I'm looking older. ...
  • I've just raped a retarded virgin....
  • Hugh Hefner is again married at the age of 84....
  • I was laying in bed watching Match Of The Day last night....
  • On my tour of America, I went through three different states....
  • Apparently you can tell the sex of a horse by how many teeth it's got....
  • I met a beautiful young woman at a nightclub. ...
  • My Muslim girlfriend gives a blow job to die for......
  • 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,...
  • I went for a shit today and when I flushed it, the shit and toilet paper didn't go down at all....
  • I found out some cunt shagged my bird last night....
  • If I had a pound for every time someone has called me lazy......
  • Every year at this time, I am always asked the same question: "What is the best way to serve tu...
  • The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake...
  • I wish my parents weren't Jehovah's Witnesses....
  • As a Christian I was deeply offended by tonight's Top Gear where it was suggested that the the new '...
  • Was watching "Masturbating Babysitter" today when my mum walked in so i quickly minimized ...
  • Boxing Day sales: get ten Australian wickets for just 98 runs....
  • Who will ever write the book:...
  • When I was a child, I always used to search my parent's drawers and cupboards in the run up to Chris...
  • 'We promise to deliver before Xmas'....
  • During Christmas dinner my missus asked, "How come you never pull a cracker at Christmas?"...
  • I was shagging some slag last night when she said, "Cum on my tits"....
  • BBC News: Woman killed by a dog named as Barbara Williams....
  • Me- ''It's christmas Eve!''...
  • Why don't African children hang up stockings for Santa Claus?...
  • I'm putting out Vodka and potatoes for Santa this year....
  • I was having a nice hot shower this morning, when as I washed myself down I noticed my cock had hard...
  • My daughter tried to go out dressed like a slut....
  • Apparently, I can't say "Black paint!" any more. ...
  • If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing tread...
  • What is white and covers the streets first thing in the morning?...
  • My father once told me "Son...
  • It's getting close to that time of year again when that fat bastard with the beard brings presents r...
  • I threw a fag on the ground,which resulted in a council official coming up to me....
  • My mate just said to me "Don't you wish there was a female version of Viagra?"...
  • I hate it when my daughter slides down the banister....
  • I asked my Nan what she wanted for Christmas....
  • When I found out my wife of 3 years had been cheating on me with my brother I took everything she ow...
  • My grandad's life long ambition was to visit Australia. ...
  • I hope that aliens invade earth sometime soon...
  • What's the difference between Justin Bieber and the cast of Glee?...
  • Potatoes wrapped in tin-foil and kept in a cupboard become a welcome consolation if your house burns...
  • I had to have my Dog put down yesterday. He attacked a young Pakistani child and mauled his face....
  • - Let's check your geography knowledge son! ...
  • I tried to chat up a really attractive girl in the pub last night....
  • This black joke is ironic...
  • Daily Mail: "Gatwick running at 115% capacity to ease backlog"...
  • Last night I settled down to eat some Ben and Jerry's with a DVD....
  • My wife gave birth to our beautiful baby son last week and I feel like the proudest father alive....
  • My wife has left me because I'm a filthy paedophile....
  • I met this girl in a night club last night, and as she was leading me away, she said:...
  • I saw a bloke let his dog walk straight out in front of a lorry this morning....
  • I've just upgraded to Sky HD....
  • Today I did that thing where you walk into a room and totally forgot what you went in for....
  • I always find a good wank is spoilt when i am watching a woman masturbate on Pornhub and then a man ...
  • I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked, "How would you like your steak, sir?&...
  • Apparently, if you put your location as Newcastle on facebook, you get a 'like' button after every w...
  • I went for a job interview at Dave today....
  • I made a house out of black ice today ...
  • Last night I tried to go out for an Italian Meal, but there was a huge, fat woman standing in the do...
  • The Anorexia Ward is the easiest place to pick up girls....
  • The man who's wife I've been sleeping with sent me this text:...
  • BBC NEWS: government plans to ban all Internet porn. ...
  • Telegraph: "Christmas trees should be removed from public places not to offend non christians&q...
  • I was walking down the road when I saw a strange man in an upstairs window waving at me. After a qui...
  • My Missus asked me to get her something big, special & pricey for Christmas........
  • I was telling my brothers gay friend, "I own a gay club."...
  • My girlfriend says I'm smothering her... At least I think that's what she's saying...
  • Just saw a Facebook group: "Hi, I'm a bra. I touch your girlfriend's boobs every day... Jealous...
  • I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere....
  • Knock knock....
  • I've just renamed my wifi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02"....
  • I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping. I took my girlfriend into 8 different pubs without...
  • I don't know why David Cameron is so set on raising student fees; the last thing he tried to raise d...
  • I'm due in court next week after trying to steal the Mona Lisa from the Louvre in Paris....
  • Women's genitals are not a "Phenomenon"....
  • I saw a Paki across the street with a large removals van outside his house....
  • Note to self : Remove dog before stabbing box to make air-holes....
  • Now that they have invented a cure for aids...
  • I shagged the office slag at the Christmas do last night...bit embarrassing really....
  • "Excuse me waiter. There're two ears in my soup."...
  • Me: Here's a joke for you. Cheap Education...
  • My door bell rang this morning....
  • BBC News: UK to ban Koran protest pastor....
  • Apparently, men who have lots of sex regularly spell words wrong while typing jokes on the computer....
  • The new house fire awareness advert suggests I should, 'Know my escape plan backwards.'...
  • Boy: Do you want to play the fire engine game? ...
  • It's a pity Jeremy Kyle was not around in biblical times....
  • I over heard a lady ordering in McDonalds,...
  • My biggest fear has become reality.I think my son is gay....
  • My girlfriend said that she had predictive text....
  • Baby, baby, baby ooh!...
  • Who, in their right mind, wants a left side of the brain?...
  • Why does everyone think my Dads are gay?...
  • Cheryl Cole was asked, "What would you do if this was the last day on earth? " ...
  • News: Men masturbate on average once a day....
  • When my girlfriend told her friends she was going to grab a box of tissues and head off to bed...
  • I pulled this bird and went back to her place where after letting me come in her mouth she jumped on...
  • I've made several snow angels today....
  • There's two things I don't like about Nick Clegg; his face....
  • My girlfriend moaned that I've taken too long to wrap her Christmas presents....
  • Cheer up Prince Charles! They only vandalised your car with a bit of white paint. ...
  • Did you see that program about the teenage girl who sleeps for up to ten days at a time? ...
  • My psychologist just told me I'm suffering from, 'delusions of grandeur'....
  • I was just watching a black family on 'Family Fortunes'....
  • I find that telling a joke is often a great icebreaker with the ladies....
  • I hate people that say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him."...
  • My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep ...
  • I can't understand why girls wear tiny bikinis at the pool, but cover up fast if you see them in the...
  • Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you correctly pointed out that it could ...
  • I've decided to go on X Factor next year to fullfill my dream on the stage....
  • So, it finally seems that David Cameron is raising the uni fees...
  • The other day I was out in town when some chavs started on me, threatening to beat me up. ...
  • Bloke came up to me and said, "Your wife's got lovely big tits. Would you mind if I had a feel?...
  • Pornhub - "It makes your dick bigger and your pussy wet"...
  • Police: "Protesters have failed to stick to the agreed route." ...
  • After a long drive, I finally arrived home from work. Turning the corner, I noticed an ambulance par...
  • The gorgeous woman from next door popped round today and said,"Hello handsome, are you free ton...
  • I said to my mate at the bus stop yesterday, "I haven't had a shag in a month! I think my fucki...
  • The website Wikileaks has released documents claiming an American general has criticised the British...
  • I accidentally called my daughters name out during sex yesterday...
  • Brrrrr.... fuck it. First thing tomorrow I'm going out to the garden to burn a load of old tyres and...
  • Waitress: 'Do you have any questions about the menu?'...
  • Epileptic Santa....
  • So Gamu Nhengu is releasing a Christmas single to rival the X-Factor....
  • What do you call a cat without whiskers?...
  • The wife rang me at the pub, "Darling, I've got a chilled bottle of Chardonay, the kids are at ...
  • At least after the 2022 World Cup...
  • FIFA blames Panorama for 2018 World Cup bid failure....
  • The wife just gave me a massive bollocking for throwing a snowball at our son....
  • All people do in my workplace is talk about the fucking weather....
  • There are four stages in life:...
  • I went for my routine 6 monthly check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck...
  • They say every snowflake is different.....
  • Like many parents, I'm going to film my son in his school nativity and Youtube it for people to laug...
  • People who steal punchlines from the top-rated jokes have such a nerve....
  • Don't you think it's really unfair that the one thing you seem to remember when you're drunk is alwa...
  • I love my cat, and my cat loves me....
  • Everybody that likes Jews please raise your right arm to a 150 degree angle....
  • Local girl Joanna Mow leaps to her death on her birthday......
  • I never credited the old lady next door with much creativity, but this morning I noticed that she ha...
  • I used to be really good at reading braille....
  • It's not that I don't support the London Underground staff....
  • It doesn't matter if it's on a bus or in a pub...The nutter always comes and sits next to me......
  • Sexy?...
  • To everybody updating their Facebook status:...
  • Deaf people are lip reading as we speak....
  • If you don't know the difference between a Cock and a Cucumber....
  • Yahoo - Susan Boyle to star in musical of her own life....
  • I'm so pleased the weather people at ITV...
  • I've heard all about the popularity of Russian Roulette, and I thought I'd make up my own variations...
  • BBC News:...
  • I hope North and South Korea cause a world war so I don't have to go in college tomorrow.....
  • I've smeared my cock with Marmite and I'm about to put it through Cheryl Cole's letterbox....
  • BBC News: Lady Gaga drops Facebook for charity....
  • Not for the first time...
  • You know you're bored when you measure your own cock....
  • Just bought a new aftershave called 'STALKER' for men....
  • What does Jeremy Kyle watch when he's off sick?...
  • I spent my day today protesting against the treatment of blacks...
  • One part of me wants to go to work tomorrow but the other part doesn't....
  • I haven't seen this much snow since the last time it snowed this much....
  • I just used my wife's shampoo 'for coloured hair'. ...
  • With hindsight I should have posted my facebook status as; "I have blown the head gasket on my ...
  • Wagner, it's not over 'till the fat lady sings...
  • Last night my wife walked in and said, "How bout a nice tit fuck?"...
  • I'm making a horror film where a sadistic snowman sets death traps for other snowmen...
  • Here's a picture of me with the band REM....
  • Jobs....
  • BBC News: Indian Elephant's cracked tusk repaired with special resin...
  • I'm not saying that Liverpool's a shithole...
  • A contestant accused me of being an unfair gameshow host....
  • I'm a teapot....
  • Cheryl told Cher "Being in the bottom two is actually a positive thing."...
  • My girlfriend prepared a fried breakfast for me this morning....
  • I was telling the police officer how local youths threw a milk bottle at me and it just missed me....
  • I got sacked after my boss caught me shagging his secretary on his desk....
  • No one ever mentions the 1000 miles of trouble free luxury cruising before the iceberg...
  • The biggest trouble causers in this country are the police. Have you seen how many protests they att...
  • A blonde girl walked past me and my dad at the supermarket, my dad turned and asked, "What woul...
  • My wife said "There's a lot of noise coming from the loft - I think there might be a bird trapp...
  • When I was at school the other pupils voted me, "Pupil most likely to end up in a mental instit...
  • I was talking to our neighbour's 10 year old Down's kid....
  • I was standing next to a Paki man at the bus stop this morning. He just wouldn't stop complaining ab...
  • I said to my missus, "I wish I was rich."...
  • I wished I hadn't bothered now asking the insentitive cow to marry me ......
  • If only Audley Harrison was Baby P's dad...
  • Why did the chicken cross the road?...
  • A policeman knocked on my door....
  • A girl looked at me with my shirt off last night and remarked, "Wow, you look like you were car...
  • Just read a woman's open letter to her car thief in the Metro,...
  • I borrowed my neighbours expensive lawnmower and as I took it I reassured him that I would treat it ...
  • When Muslim parents have to use the...
  • BBC News: Paris woman stuck in bathroom for 20 days....
  • My girlfriend just texted me:...
  • If your wife ever annoys you so much that you feel like hitting her, step back. Take ten deep breath...
  • BBC News 2010: 'Broadband in Europe speeding up'...
  • In America they call it ' Survivor '...
  • BBC News: Earliest Snowfall in 17 years....
  • The wife was having a go at me recently:...
  • Poker players.......
  • Apparently Chelsea fear Didier Drogba may be poached in January......
  • I always thought I had a massive cock....
  • BBC News: Plans for reading tests at six....
  • I love my job as an impressionist...
  • The Daily Express : GET BRITAIN OUT OF EUROPE...
  • I see Heather Mills is dating another millionaire...
  • Saying "the gay guy from X-Factor" is kind of like saying: "the Chinese man from Chin...
  • Was talking to my Grandad last night,...
  • My girlfriend just texted me: 'I'm not talking to you'....
  • My wife just called me spineless....
  • Women....why is it you can talk non stop all day but put a cock in your mouth and all of a sudden yo...
  • BBC Six O'clock News: ...
  • My Girlfriend and I often roleplay in the bedroom....
  • I was getting my balls sucked by a Sainsbury's checkout girl last night. Unfortunately she started t...
  • I see the students are out protesting in London again....
  • BBC News: North Korea now a serious threat....
  • I've got my beer in the fridge so I'm ready to watch the Ashes....
  • BBC News: "All 29 miners trapped in a New Zealand coal pit since Friday are believed to be dead...
  • I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan....
  • Anyone else noticed Ireland ran out of money when the Pope said condoms were okay?...
  • As I was putting the garden furniture back into storage for the winter, I turned to the wife and sai...
  • Fucking hell, what a nightmare that was......
  • I call my dick "The Dentist" because...
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  • I've just de-flowered a virgin....
  • I credit Tetris for the speed and agility I display when loading the dishwasher....
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  • Wanted: Security guard to work one night shift, every six months....
  • Personally I think they should take the Pope to see the Blackpool game....
  • Never swallow your dentures...
  • Got a phone call last night...
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  • I was out cycling with my son today....
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  • My wife loves playing Monopoly....
  • My mate at work said I'm a gullible twat....
  • Knock knock,...
  • Recent studies have found that chloroform has been in existence since at least 9months BC...
  • Is anyone else watching the Pope just in case he's assassinated?...
  • I mistook the Popemobile for an ice cream van today....
  • Fifty thousand people have gathered in a park in Glasgow to see a man wearing a frock....
  • I really wish everyone would just get off George Michael's back....
  • Most searched on Yahoo:...
  • I saw a woman about to park outside my house and said, "I don't think you can park there, love&...
  • BBC News: Pope Touches Down in the UK...
  • I love watching womens heavyweight boxing...
  • My wife said, "If I ever catch you cheating on me, I'll stab you in the face"....
  • My mate was murdered at a Jehovah's church....
  • The Pope's aide says that the UK is like a "third world country"....
  • If you've got it, flaunt it;...
  • There must be nothing worse than finally getting on Countdown only to find your opponent is a 12 yea...
  • I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery....
  • My girlfriend says that I've got the body of a bloke half my age....
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  • "Looking at these stars makes me feel so small" I thought earlier...
  • I had sex with a prostitute in my hot tub last night. It was great. Unfortunately though, I didn't h...
  • BBC News: Moderator refuses to shake the Pope's hand....
  • I was due to give a speech in front of 250 people and was really nervous....
  • I saw a Rolex on ebay and it said on the listing "Watch this item"....
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  • I like it when I open a document and my monitor says WORD....
  • James Bond is constantly ripped, amazing at poker, and seems to know where all the good looking girl...
  • My PC is in clear view of the window. So when I'm having a crafty wank...
  • Masturbation: The leading cause of tissue damage....
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  • I had a wank in the shower this morning. ...
  • My boss said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture....
  • BBC News: Two pedestrians die in collision....
  • My favourite pick up line......
  • I'm setting up a search engine called Askyourdad...
  • The Pope said his trip to England has left him 'feeling like a 10 year old boy'....
  • I hate to be pedantic...
  • During Antiques Roadshow today, I looked at the 19th century mahogany chest of drawers in the corner...
  • Why are there so many jokes aimed at blondes...
  • What's a riot?...
  • I recently suggested to my wife that she try masturbating with fruit....
  • I went to America because I was told that all the girls love anal....
  • Daily Mail: Gay Paedophile Rapes Muslim Asylum Seeker....
  • You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions....
  • My boss turned round this morning and called me a "bullshitter."...
  • My wife's terminally ill and as I sat writing, she sobbed...
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  • My wife said to me, "Fancy having a lot of sex in the shower?"...
  • My wife's leg was badly crushed last night....
  • Just read a book entitled 'The French Army During World War II...
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  • Old MacDonald had a farm,...
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  • Obviously Lady Gaga won the most awards...
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  • I was having sex the other day, banging away, when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really st...
  • I'm downloading the Qur'an from an ebook site. I've got a slow connection but it should be done by S...
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  • OK how about a compromise? ...
  • A man walks into a Library and says, "Oi bitch. I want a fucking book to learn some cunting Spa...
  • Jay-Z is rumoured to be having marital difficulties with Beyonce....
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  • I got stopped in the street by Jenny Frost and she held up a picture of a freaky looking girl and sa...
  • My daughter smeared butter all over my knob earlier....
  • Brighton Police have said that the badly burnt body found on the golf course has been identified as ...
  • I always keep emergency flares in my car....
  • If I was to wake with Beyonce in my bed I would assume Jay Z was downstairs stealing my TV....
  • I was tripping on some mushrooms today when I thought...
  • The say that it is unlucky to see your bride-to-be in her dress before the big day . Not for me it w...
  • My mate had a go at me for constantly thinking up new Madeleine McCann jokes....
  • BBC News - "Stephen Hawking: God did not create Universe"...
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  • Katy Perry has revealed in a recent interview that she's afraid of the dark....
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  • My wife said to me that the Home Alone films are so unrealistic......
  • The BBC have announced a new character for Top Gear...
  • I've been teaching my dog to live without food and water......
  • Escort Jenny Thompson has admitted to having sex with 12 Premier League stars - and also Titus Bramb...
  • My wife snapped at me on the train and screamed, 'you're a cunting fuck' ......
  • How ironic that there are balls flying all over the place on Google's logo today....
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  • Note to Wayne: If she's going to sell her fanny...
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  • You hate niggers but wake up to find Beyonce naked in your bed ...
  • It's a lovely day here at Lord's...
  • Prostitute, a woman who has sex with someone for money....
  • My neighbour is a blacksmith....
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  • My wife did something last night with her mouth that all men love........
  • My mate told me that I just don't understand irony. ...
  • I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket. ...
  • I have invented a kitchen cleaner that kills 0.1% of bacteria....
  • Do you think when sexy blondes go on porn websites they get adverts popping up saying...
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  • A very wise woman once said:...
  • Just bought a copy of International Cricket 2010 for my Xbox, but the disc is broken. ...
  • My wife was complaining about her job to me....
  • I was having a crafty wank at work when the boss caught me....
  • Gutted now The Stig has been unmasked. ...
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  • BBC News: Beckham eyes 11 September return....
  • A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal....
  • I tried chatting this tasty bird up in a nightclub but she told me to fuck off and that I should wea...
  • Irony - Buying slim fit jeans with a 46" waist...
  • I feel sorry for the McCanns....
  • I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself...
  • Just saw that advert where an athlete in a wheelchair says, "My arms are stronger than your leg...
  • A good friend came up to me looking very pale. "My wife's got cancer. They don't think she's go...
  • I just tried that new Radox Shower Gel called "African Escape"...
  • Ocean Finance now have their own TV channel on Sky....
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  • A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her...
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  • I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia....
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  • I could never get my head around this Maths malarkey....
  • I recently passed my driving test so I went out last week and got myself a new motor. Proper fanny m...
  • News : 'Man Attacked Doorman With Axe'....
  • It's a shame my wife isn't trapped down that mine with those Chilean miners....
  • A black man approached me and said, "Can you tell me how to get to the train station, please?&q...
  • It's fair enough that everyone finds Harry Potter unrealistic due to a ginger having two friends....
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  • Welcome back to the world masturbation championship...
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  • 'Not Actual Game Footage'...
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  • Mary had a little lamb,...
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  • Statistically, 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian Roulette....
  • There was once a man from Hong Kong...
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  • 33 miners trapped underground?...
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  • Not got children? Hire a babysitter anyway...
  • A black man approached me and said, "Can you tell me how to get to the train station, please?&q...
  • I just opened my wheelie bin and a wasp flew out. ...
  • Sky News Article- "Tiger Woods' Marriage: What Went Wrong"...
  • Recycling is for pussies....
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  • It must be terrible stuck in a mine till Christmas. ...
  • The killing of the MI6 agent was so obviously carried out by a woman....
  • Calendar News - Mum of 'Drowned' 8 year old demands to know how he died.......
  • I complained to the council the other day about the size of my wheelie bin....
  • My mate said, "Apparently, you have the biggest cock in town."...
  • My girlfriend has just texted both our names to 58888 and she says we're only 78% compatible....
  • My wife rang me at work. She said, "Two packages arrived today. The first was your Playstation ...
  • There's a gang going through our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order ......
  • "Canada has more lakes than any other country in the world"...
  • America's policy of shooting first and asking questions later has always been their downfall....
  • My wife said to me, "I've just had a complaint from the neighbour opposite. She says that a man...
  • In the news: "The Met Office has issued a weather warning following a night of torrential rain ...
  • What's worse than finding a hair in your food?...
  • All men like to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs. ...
  • I enjoy watching Chinese porn but I wish...
  • BBC News: Pakistan seeks help from IMF....
  • When I heard about all the death and suffering in Pakistan I simply had to get my wallet out to help...
  • Hi, is that the police?...
  • The trouble with having missing children on milk cartons is that paedophiles can use them as trading...
  • The wife has just come into the living room wearing see-through lingerie, and has told me to sit dow...
  • I used to be quite good at wordplay....
  • My weekend the long version...
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  • Dear Agony Aunt,...
  • Lady Ga Ga has been asked why she uses that name instead of her own....
  • When I was having dinner with my wife this evening I accidentally put Rohypnol in the wrong drink....
  • BBC News: Dragons' Den star James Caan has called on people to donate more aid for the victims of P...
  • Pakistan appeals for helicopters....
  • BBC news: 'Porn Vids Flood Youtube'...
  • You can tell the X-Factor is staged....
  • The pathologist who conducted the post-mortem examination on Iraq weapons expert David Kelly says it...
  • What does my mouth and the wife's washing machine have in common?...
  • I have just been to the doctor's 'cause I was worried I had caught something from a hooker I just fu...
  • BBC News: 'Service for 1985 Manchester air disaster plane'...
  • I went up to the DJ in a club last night, to play a request....
  • BBC News: "Dr David Kelly's death was a 'textbook' suicide"...
  • BBC News: Home Office bans city's marches...
  • Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV......
  • This is yet to be confirmed by scientists, but there are rumours that women have a certain 'spot', a...
  • It's rained so much the last few weeks, it's like a Pakistani monsoon....
  • Men, save embarrassment if your mates pop round when you're washing up. ...
  • What's worse than finding a fly in your soup?...
  • In Braunau Austria born and raised...
  • I suppose the reason eskimos have so many words for snow...
  • I said to my wife: "You're like soap."...
  • I came home pissed of my face from the pub. I was so drunk I climbed into bed with my daughter and b...
  • A couple of Chinese guys were selling watches on a stall in the market, so I asked my wife if s...
  • I'll be fucked if this rape alarm doesn't work....
  • It's funny how women change....
  • Tried to watch a youtube video called 'Wheelchair Kid Sings Lady Gaga'...
  • I love A-level results day....
  • Joe McElderry has learned to play a musical instrument....
  • They say exposure to the sun causes aging of the skin, but I think that's bollocks....
  • Breaking News: Over 2 Million cases of Diarrhoea expected in Pakistan....
  • Me: What's that smell?...
  • Excitement: ...
  • Whoever said 'white men can't jump' obviously hasn't seen me get walked in on having a wank....
  • I pulled up next to a woman driver at the traffic lights today and shouted at her, "Hey. Don't ...
  • I have an evil masterplan;...
  • I've recently been sacked as the chief paediatrician at the local hospital....
  • A mate of mine lost both of his arms in a car accident which, as the driver, was my fault....
  • I completely agree with sex before marriage. ...
  • I've got a new Muslim neighbour. His wife stays in the house all day, cooking and cleaning, and does...
  • I'm sick of these double standards, why is it if a woman comes back from holiday saying she's slept ...
  • The Sun: "Miracle of the girl born with a brain" ...
  • Ethiopian police say they are looking for a black man in his 20s......
  • You wouldn't steal a DVD...
  • I love to shave with a new razor. It reminds me of making love to a beautiful women for the first ti...
  • I hate that awkward moment when a cancer patient asks me what my Star Sign is....
  • At school I was perfect ...
  • Nothing says "I've been watching too much porn" like trimming your pubes before going to s...
  • Big girls dont cry....
  • My girlfriend has found out that I've been shagging the local barmaid....
  • I've just added Princess Diana as a friend on the Xbox....
  • I've just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my penis....
  • BBC News: 'Plus size women worth £10bn to the fashion industry'...
  • I was on Dragon's Den but got chucked out. ...
  • My wife said she is getting fed up of me jumping to ridiculous conclusions....
  • My girlfriend went through my laptop's history and saw how many visits I had made to Pornhub......
  • Jonathan Ross; putting the Wog in Drogba....
  • Some say that he flooded Pakistan after a Paki sprayed him with a hose pipe....
  • I have just passed the age where the girls I chat up turn me down, on the basis that I am old enough...
  • News today: Talks due over BAA strike threat....
  • Police say they are looking for a black man in his 20s......
  • My wife really needs to start taking more pride in her appearance....
  • Holocaust, the Musical...
  • I was chatting to a couple of girls today....
  • Just seen on the news that there's a woman who has 19 children and she wants more......
  • My doctor knew that I was married....
  • I was playing Scrabble and put down S-P-A-S-T-I-C....
  • I was in the pub with a mate who had married a Muslim chick and recently converted to Islam. Thanks ...
  • Just seen a movie with a 2 foot black cock and a bunch of hard nips....
  • Why is making toast like an interracial couple having a baby?...
  • A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door last night and my wife made me go to the door....
  • I avoid sex the same way I avoid bullets....
  • It's so awkward when you send a private text message to the wrong person....
  • Mr and Mrs Explorer, it's social services....
  • BBC News: "US military to attack future computers"...
  • What's worse than finding a Justin Bieber CD in your son's bedroom?...
  • FIFA have confirmed in the last few minutes that......
  • So the other day my mate asked me how long I last during sex. ...
  • According to an article in the Daily Mail, a smiling Japanese person is not necessarily happy. They ...
  • I was in the cinema last night when a man shouted "Down at front!"...
  • I'd love to punch Michael Buble...
  • Filling the form in at the STD clinic...
  • Having wheelchair parking spaces outside a gym is a bit like having a call button on the iPhone 4...
  • I've just been given two weeks to live....
  • My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance. ...
  • I was approached by a member of Greenpeace in the street the other day and he told me that if I don'...
  • I met a girl in the park and asked her, "Do you like movies?"...
  • I wish Sky would move Babestation and the other lads programmes to a different range of channels....
  • So, I finally got around to seeing the new Karate Kid, and was really pleased to find out that it wa...
  • 'Which of your encyclopaedias covers Pakistan?'...
  • I just watched my daughter's netball team play for a place in the under eleven's final. ...
  • My new girlfriend told me I was the best thing that ever happened to her. ...
  • X Factor 2010...
  • I used to find the sound of people eating incredibly frustrating, but I managed to solve the issue....
  • I'm creating a computer game about rape....
  • Have you ever been wanking over a hot girls Facebook photos when all of a sudden one pops up of her ...
  • I just saw Toy Story in 3D......
  • For sale: tumble dryer...
  • There's a lot of fuss made about smoking during pregnancy. Take my mum for example. She smoked forty...
  • I'm currently watching 101 reasons not to pay for a TV licence....
  • When I got into bed with the wife I said, "Should I get my harmonica? We could do a duet."...
  • I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on....
  • Today, as I stood back with a smile on my face and watched my poo being flushed away.. ...
  • Lesbians....
  • So, Facebook have just announced their 1,000,000,000th member....
  • I've got to hand it to the efficiency of the Pakistani Government...
  • Just given my Nan a cream-pie....
  • Just earned myself a cheeky blowjob....
  • I'm not convinced that faith can move mountains...
  • I paid for a prostitute last night but I told her that I would like to pay a little bit extra, becau...
  • BBC News: Hunt under way for missing diver....
  • SpongeBob SquarePants is extremely unhappy with the arrival of his new Pakistani neighbours....
  • Sky News: Cameron pledges to flush Taliban out of Pakistan...
  • Tourettes - Making swearing acceptable at cunting work since whenever the fuck I want....
  • That's the last time Allah fucks with Poseidon...
  • Nothing says "I'm a fat cunt" like fucking in a tee-shirt....
  • Gandalf: "A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he ...
  • Air freshener: Because there's no louder way of telling the whole house you've just had a shit....
  • Naomi Campbell walks into a library and asks for a blood diamond....
  • I was in a geography exam today. Couldn't remember a single thing about Pakistan....
  • I have just given my missus an orgasm, she gasped "You're on a roll"...
  • Whats the best way to pull a fat bird? ...
  • Me and my girlfriend made a deal recently, we decided we would both let the other one do their ultim...
  • A good woman should be like a dog....
  • When will these Paki's realise that crying about it is only going to make the situation worse....
  • So Warren Buffett, Ted Turner and Bill Gates have pledged to give half their wealth to charity....
  • I got invited on the Jeremy Kyle show, to prove I wasn't the notorious thief my family made me out t...
  • Laptop speakers - too quiet for music...
  • "I'm going to create man and woman with original sin. Then I'm going to impregnate a woman with...
  • People learn from history. ...
  • I'm officially changing my TV remote's name to Wally....
  • Earthquakes,War,Floods...
  • I was thinking of writing a book 'A guide to better shoplifting'...
  • If the Nazi's had won that war would we be being sold insurance by a dog called Hitler?...
  • Little Johnny puts his hand up in class:...
  • Went into a Chinese restaurant And they had a little suggestion box...
  • Since the beginning of the year, I've been stealing radioactive material from work and storing it in...
  • When I go to Alton towers I always take a nut and bolt with me. I love watching people's faces when ...
  • Why can't you hear a dog whistle?...
  • What do you call a Pakistan flood survivor?...
  • My wife keeps complaining that I wear socks when we have sex....
  • What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? ...
  • Why did the sperm cross the road?...
  • Why did the Paki cross the road?...
  • I've just had a great mornings fishing....
  • Cumming on a girls face....
  • The Sun: "Gunman shoots innocent civillian, then laughs"...
  • I was in the work canteen the other day and started shaking salt all over my chicken. My work collea...
  • Since the news of the "four-year-old boy found dead in a tumble dryer" broke...
  • How many prostitutes does it take to screw in a light bulb?...
  • I just put a huge load in the dishwasher....
  • You know the women that say:...
  • What do you call a group of lesbians?...
  • A charity single has been released in aid of Pakistan flood relief.......
  • Bloody David Cameron going over to Pakistan and upsetting everyone by speaking his mind - how dare h...
  • Dear Twilight fans, ...
  • I was arrested for impersonating a police officer last night....
  • Daily Telegraph: Shark swims ashore in New Jersey....
  • I saw a white woman with 5 black children today....
  • I love white crayons...
  • BBC News: "600 dead and rising"...
  • The accusation that I am a racist is the biggest lie since the Holocaust....
  • If a deaf man rapes a woman...
  • BBC News - British student dies two weeks after falling from a balcony in Majorca....
  • My wife said that she's going to leave me....
  • I don't understand Christians....
  • My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word 'cunt'....
  • I spent 3 hours watching Big Brother last night, thinking all that fat lazy wanker has done is lay o...
  • Sunburn - A small price to pay for being white...
  • 30% of men over 40 suffer from erectile dysfunction. Is it stress? Is it the economy? Is it because ...
  • In the news this week:...
  • BBC News - At least 600 dead in Pakistan floods. ...
  • The kitchen staff really helps my wife get the cooking done quicker....
  • My bride looked absolutely beautiful stood at the altar with a tear running down her cheek....
  • I fell down a really deep dark hole today....
  • I got banned from a website last night, the forum thread was about "women that look like their ...
  • A man came to my door today and asked if I was aware that by joining BT broadband for my TV, Interne...
  • What do you call a man with twin teenage daughters?...
  • Joe McElderry says, in an interview with The Sun... "I think the Twitter thing was the point wh...
  • I was going through airport customs and I got asked "Do you have any firearms?" ...
  • I was working late at the Carphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from my daughter:...
  • Sky News: Boy aged four found dead in a tumble dryer. ...
  • A friendly German...
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  • I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house....
  • If you stand by the sea...
  • Sky News: Boy aged four found dead in a tumble dryer. ...
  • Our new librarian is very polite...
  • 'Boy of four dies in tumble dryer during a game of hide and seek' police say his last words were &qu...
  • I pulled a big fat bird last night and took her back to mine. I left the T.V on all night and was aw...
  • I watched Top Gear on Sky Plus tonight with Cameron Diaz...
  • My Girlfriend: I cant do this anymore your too childish. I think i need a break. ...
  • An American goes into a library and asks for a book on war....
  • How the fuck am I meant to stay with the same girl for the rest of my life...
  • How do you know your gay?...
  • News: A four-year-old's body has been found in a tumble dryer in Ashford. ...
  • Mohammad spent a lot of time up mountains, slaying goats and raping children...
  • BBC News - Love Parade: 'It was like a war'....
  • TheMightyDutch Wrote:...
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  • Sky News: "Black Teenager stabbed in South London"...
  • The biggest comic book convention in the world opened today in San Diego. ...
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  • I hope everything I say doesn't sound like a sexual euphemism...
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  • So a black couple have had a white baby...
  • Black couple have white child....
  • "Black couple have white baby"...
  • ... which is why I start sentences in the middle....
  • Black Parents... White Baby......
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  • elephantjuice1234567 wrote:...
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  • Robbie Williams is getting back with the lads then ay!?...
  • Robbie Williams is getting back with the lads then ay!?...
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  • Tesco Self-Service Checkouts...
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  • oooh I'm gay...
  • oooh I'm gay...
  • oooh I'm gay...
  • News : 'Cheryl Cole Down To Only 84 Pounds'....
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  • --- andyd8 ------------------------------------------...
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  • British Summer........
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  • Miley Cyrus....
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  • Dear friends...
  • You can say what you like about deaf people....
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  • Raoul Moat is a message to all you gingers out there - We will find you...
  • I've just phoned the police to tell them that Raoul Moat is in the morgue....
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  • I saw an advert for Bing earlier...
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  • David Beckham said, "I still see myself as a player"....
  • I tried to give Raoul Moat a lesson on gun safety...
  • Predicted Headlines:...
  • azeemaa 100 wrote:...
  • "Moaty mate. It's Gazza"...
  • how many jews can u fit into a car...
  • Mass murdering taxi drivers, homicidal bouncers... ...
  • Apparently Raoul Moat has spent most of the last week stuck inside a four foot wide sewer....
  • How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my fucking house?...
  • My wife left me, I havent had sex for ages....
  • My local has just started serving Raoul Moat Lager....
  • The rumour is that Raoul Moat is hiding out at Rob Green's house as there's no chance of him getting...
  • Now this is a story all about how, ...
  • Only in the UK can a mentally unstable footballing hero turn up to the tense armed stand-off of the ...
  • I see Raoul Moat has got his own TV show....
  • They think its Raoul over....
  • Raoul Moat has had his Facebook profile deleted on the grounds that he no longer has a face....
  • Sex is for people that can't afford Xbox live membership....
  • Now Raoul Moat is finally dead...
  • BBC News: An RAF Tornado has been deployed to find Raoul Moat....
  • While in town today I had my phone stolen by some long haired scrote. I chased him until he dived in...
  • I've just beaten my addiction to hardcore porn AND solved the mystery of time travel...
  • As I sat in my armchair eating a bacon sandwich, an advert came on TV showing starving African child...
  • Police have placed a cordon near Raoul Moat and his shotgun. ...
  • My new girlfriend lets me lick anything off her and I love it....
  • Funny how times change...
  • Police have admitted they are confused by Raoul Moat's intentions...
  • Can't Northumberland Police just ask the Octopus where Raoul Moat is?...
  • Im sick of you all posting jokes about how no black people have jobs....
  • Raoul Moat. Crazed killer who some portion of England desperately want caught....
  • Off to shoot a copper then hide in the woods...
  • A man walks into Rothbury police station and says, "I hear you're looking for a nutter from New...
  • I was in a porno cinema the other night. I hadn't been there five minutes when some guy started yell...
  • Channel 4: "Underage and having sex"...
  • Does anyone have a timetable for the Vengabus? I've been waiting since 1998 and it's still not here...
  • Breaking news -...
  • Manchester City have officially bid £45m for Raoul Moat tonight....
  • Dear Producer of Glee,...
  • Current score from the Seriel Killer UK Golf Open Championship:...
  • BBC News: Police find second Moat letter....
  • Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82....
  • One day little Johnny goes up to his grandad and asks, "Grandad, what's a cunt?"...
  • Raoul Moat....
  • Lost Raoul Moat?...
  • So Raoul Moat kills one person and then goes and hides in a tent for a few days....
  • BREAKING NEWS: Northumbria Police, "Moat has made threats to wider public."...
  • Breaking News: Raoul Moat has been found!...
  • I'm not convinced Raoul Moat is a natural ginger. Evidence......
  • In a massive manhunt for just one man, Raoul Moat, police have arrested two men. Neither is Raoul Mo...
  • My wife gives the best blow jobs in town....
  • News : 'British Man Plunges To Death In Ibiza'....
  • If Raoul Moat is hiding out in the woods...
  • Did you hear about the black guy with Alzheimers?...
  • I give my wife Rights....
  • I've just seen Raoul Moat's black Lexus on ebay....
  • What's the difference between Rob Green & Cheryl Cole?...
  • If they don't find that Moat by next week it will be a £20...
  • Just joined PornTwitter. ...
  • Dear Raoul Moat,...
  • "iPad is thin...
  • I was in Amsterdam last night and watched the Holland/Uruguay game with some friends in a cafe. I th...
  • Why don't the police write a letter back to Raoul Moat and follow the postman to see where he delive...
  • I was walking through the streets of Thailand when a small girl asked if I wanted to have sex with h...
  • A group of 40 year old women had a reunion and agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because t...
  • Raoul Moat wrote a 49-page letter. These days...
  • Dear Bear Grylls...
  • Bet live, Bet in play now....
  • I walked into the pub and asked for a water....
  • Hi, I'm a sexy 19 year-old blonde from the North of England looking for some fun....
  • I feel sorry for my Grandma...
  • So, Raoul Moat says that the public have nothing to fear as he is only targeting Police Officers on ...
  • We all know what sesame seeds are. But what the fuck is a sesame?...
  • Apparently the people of Rothbury are being told to stay indoors....
  • Raoul Moat - The only Ginger who was ever wanted....
  • BBC News: Podolski wants revenge over Spain...
  • Who's teaching these homeless people how to play musical instruments?...
  • My Girlfriend is away to a fancy dress party in Rothbury tonight...
  • Raoul Moat...
  • As a commentator I think it's a shame that all the African teams are out of the World Cup - it means...
  • I wish Raoul Moat would do the decent and honourable thing, he's put the family of Samantha Stobbart...
  • I can't believe Raoul Moat killed a cop and got away that easily....
  • On Sunday, a user posted the joke "Jesus"...
  • According to Police, after shooting the mother of his child in the stomach and murdering her boyfrie...
  • I've just filmed myself shagging an apple....
  • My mate called me a crazed, Derrick Bird wanna-be....
  • Judging from the state of my Asda Bag For Life...
  • I'm Raoul Moat, and killing PC's, was my idea....
  • I'm sick of people saying that professional footballers failed at school....
  • I'm a PC, and hiding from Raoul Moat is my idea....
  • Ironically, it appears that Moat is being surrounded....
  • The electric gate that killed the 12 year old girl has been released by police without charge....
  • Raoul Moat says his sudden rages make him feel like "The Hulk"...
  • I've just come up with an amazing idea to go on Dragons Den with....
  • All of these jokes are not even raoulmoatly funny....
  • So, Raoul Moat has vowed to go on killing policemen until he's dead. ...
  • BBC News Most Read:...
  • "Raoul, I'm really happy for you, and I'm gonna let you finish, but Derek Bird had one of the b...
  • If I could get my fucking hands on the little bastard mosquito that's given Cheryl Cole malaria......
  • Yahoo News: ITV to revamp 'I'm a Celebrity'...
  • I built a Time Travel Machine next Wednesday....
  • Drugs are for mugs....
  • Did you hear about the Ethiopian bingo caller? He called out: "Two fat ladies...
  • I keep hearing about all these Muslim teenagers being brainwashed....
  • My girlfriend says she is leaving me because I'm an irritating talentless child-like worthless cunt...
  • My wife just called me to say I don't spend enough time at home with the kids....
  • A gay guy asked me if I liked to blow people....
  • Is karate for amputees called partial arts?...
  • I accidentally ran over a cat today. It was okay but its tail had fallen off....
  • I have discovered that if you rearrange the letters of: ...
  • I have an imaginary dog which is cool because I can see it and no-one else can...
  • You're as pointless as the second window at McDonald's....
  • My wife accused me of being a retarded gay cunt the other day....
  • £12m is a lot of money for security during the Pope's visit...
  • News: Girl killed by automatic gate...
  • "Doctor Doctor, I think I might have malaria"...
  • A 12 year old girl from Birmingham writes a letter to Jeremy Kyle;...
  • 10PM Channel 4: Underage and having Sex...
  • 10PM Channel 4: Underage and having Sex...
  • My dad's gay I'm afraid....
  • A dyslexic friend of mine has been arrested at the World Cup for attempting to blow a Zulu's vulva....
  • Guy goes up to a fat bird in a bar and says, "Fucking hell I'd give you one!"...
  • Guy goes up to a fat bird in a bar and says, "Fucking hell I'd give you one!"...
  • In order to promote safe sex...
  • Back in my day vampires sucked blood...
  • Christiano Ronaldo had his first parenting lesson with his new son this morning....
  • I beat my wife at dominos the other night....
  • As an American, I was on my way over to kick some wussy English butt for all the insults you give ou...
  • All these Scottish folks laughing at the English for going out of the World Cup: it's like a virgin ...
  • iPad: The iPod Touch for American fingers....
  • The other day a mate of mine made a gay pass at me....
  • In Norfolk, they are thinking of decreasing the VAT to 11%....
  • Maybe it's Maybelline -...
  • How come Mario can smash through bricks...
  • The crying and the temper tantrums. ...
  • Emile Heskey went on a large shooting spree in Birmingham......
  • Whenever I worry that I've been wasting my life...
  • An alcoholic is sitting outside his home after just being divorced...
  • WARNING...
  • My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension....
  • If my pencil is rolling down a hill...
  • I just watched a 3D porno....
  • "If you hit me at 30, there's an 80% chance I'll live"...
  • I'm going to take a picture of my firstborn and use age progression software to figure out what he'l...
  • I asked for some advice in a department store about a gift for someone special....
  • I've just broken all my DVD's of japanese cartoons. ...
  • On this day, 234 years ago, America divorced us....
  • I was discussing palindromes with a group of friends yesterday, they included;...
  • I am sick of seeing jokes get buried when the Americans come on line. These humourless bastards woul...
  • To all Twilight fans:...
  • "The doctor removed my left ventricle and atrium...
  • I'm giving my wife the silent treatment today....
  • How do you keep a retard in suspense?...
  • If there's something strange in your neighbourhood, who ya gonna call?...
  • My women are a lot like my jokes...
  • Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July....
  • Just read this status from a female friend on facebook......
  • Headlines: "Capello to sack England stars."...
  • Headlines: "Capello to sack England stars."...
  • The woman on the front cover of Take-a-Break always looks fucking happy yet all the articles are abo...
  • My friend said, "Do you know that if you combine bicarbonate of soda and vinegar, then it will ...
  • My friend said, "Do you know that if you combine bicarbonate of soda and vinegar, then it will ...
  • My wife insists men can't multitask...
  • Why the fuck do the Americans put so much into celebrating Independence Day...
  • BBC NEWS - Poland set to elect new president....
  • Today is the 4th of July. ...
  • How is this fair: Aparently...
  • News Of The World: 32% of people polled think Wayne Rooney was to blame for England's World Cup exit...
  • My son is at that stage where he'll put anything in his mouth....
  • Sticks and Stones may break my bones....
  • The police interrupted me when I was in the middle of raping a young woman....
  • I just bumped into an ex girlfriend that I hadn't seen since we split up....
  • Katie Price bought Harvey a vuvuzela...
  • My wife and I planned to commit suicide together....
  • I raped a girl in a wheelchair last night....
  • I've got a suspicion my penis is French....
  • My son asked me today what 'making love' is....
  • I just want Americans to know that we British aren't as ignorant to their culture as you think....
  • When my wife was forced to undergo a double mastectomy I did my utmost to convince her that everythi...
  • What do you call a pointless race that covers 2200 miles throughout France?...
  • Breaking news: Argentina demand rematch after England squad steal their shirts and pose as Argentini...
  • Women are like microwaves. They may be hazardous to your health...
  • Dear Gillette,...
  • I think Volvic represents excellent value for money....
  • As the whole of England falls silent watching Germany storm through world cup, there is a little whi...
  • I think Al Qaeda made a huge mistake knocking down both Twin Towers...
  • If you watch Cinderella backwards...
  • If Harry Potter's so clever, why hasn't he put the magic potion, Rohypnolus Rapeum, into Hermione's ...
  • Someone shouted TWAT! at me earlier......
  • What have Princess Diana and Asamoah Gyan got in common?...
  • If anyone can learn anything from Urugauy's Luis Suarez....
  • The Brazilian government have just announced the tragic loss of their world cup squad in a plane cra...
  • Seeing al those Ghanians crying...
  • Andy Murray walks into a library and asks for a book about service games....
  • I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said....
  • I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "s...
  • Had a microwave meal today. It said 'remove sleeve and film lid.'...
  • Last night, some bouncer punched my girlfriend for no reason....
  • My wife caught me in my daughter's knicker drawer....
  • If you watch The Twilight Saga backward it's the same as it is forward....
  • I was mugged by an acupuncturist yesterday - the bastard stabbed me 236 times. ...
  • I saw a hilarious joke about Alzheimer's by a guy with the same user name as me....
  • I got myself a new toy - it's a laminator. Basically...
  • Yahoo News: Israel bargains for soldier's freedom...
  • It's perfectly legal for me to have sex with a 16 year old girl but why...
  • Football; A gentlemans game played by hooligans....
  • My son got brought home by the police last night....
  • People often ask me why I wanted to be a film editor....
  • Your joke, which read:...
  • BBC News: Teenager raped while walking dog....
  • "Wylieeeee" wrote this:...
  • How come whenever I try and come out of the closet on facebook...
  • Predictive text is for aunts....
  • Huge poster outside Old Trafford with stars Patrice Evra and Park-Ji-Sung advertising Nike. ...
  • Puberty is going to hit Justin Bieber like a train....
  • Astrology: because millions of planets and stars have spent billions of years lining themselves up j...
  • Just seen a program on Channel 4 called 'N-Dubz: Where would you be without music?'...
  • When I was younger I always used to wonder what it was like to have sex...
  • My Grandfather is starting to lose his mind, only the other day I caught him having a shit with the ...
  • Welcome to The Alzheimer's information web page....
  • This little girl came to my house yesterday saying she was a Chernobyl victim, and she was collectin...
  • So I'm in the gym minding my own business when the guy next to me says:...
  • BBC Health News: 'Simple test could detect Down's'......
  • You know you have finished your wank when you start to comment on the terrible acting skills....
  • BigPond news: 'Apple sells 1.7m iPhones'....
  • Someone on 'Big Brother' just called another house-mate an attention seeker....
  • My Nan just invited me round for a roast on Sunday.......
  • What do you call someone who points out the obvious?...
  • Dear Walker's Crisps,...
  • My wife found loads of animal porn on our computer but I think I got away with it....
  • Rape alarms are such a good idea...
  • Just posting a joke with my new iPho...
  • Anyone want to see Katy Perry's cunt, spread across a twelve foot screen, from every conceivable ang...
  • Free cash withdrawal?...
  • My mate recently lost all of his fingers in a horrible accident....
  • Someone on 'Big Brother' just called another house-mate an attention seeker. You're on 'Big Brother'...
  • I'm bored and have the house to myself tonight...
  • I saw a guy beating his wife in the middle of the street this morning, and since then I just haven't...
  • Two women are chatting in an office....
  • Getting a tactical nuke on Call of Duty is the best feeling in life....
  • What do Americans have in common with people with down syndrome?...
  • My girlfriend found my porn collection the other day. ...
  • I've recently been sacked from my job in the local hospital....
  • Anyone interested in hiring an open top bus to go round Trafalgar square on the 12th of July? its ju...
  • An ITV commentator has just said, "The Japanese will be trying to keep their eyes open in Tokyo...
  • My wife called me lazy the other day....
  • Personally I've had enough of these women coming onto my TV at night telling me how much they want t...
  • I just saw Wayne Rooney on the news getting off a plane, and he had a really nice tan!...
  • I wouldn't be surprised if Rob Green has missed the flight home....
  • Haha, Venus Williams lost to a woman....
  • Ten Russian spies were found in America posing as civil servants....
  • I can't believe I failed my audition for Romeo....
  • I'll never forget my first kiss...
  • England's defence are like fingering Jordan's gash. ...
  • The American Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. T...
  • For sale: 10 Used Condoms. ...
  • Practice makes perfect...
  • Kids....
  • Half a coconut hung from a tree makes a nutritious food for your garden birds....
  • My wife and I watched four episodes of Lost back to back....
  • I was invited to a charity function recently for the Premature Ejaculation Society. ...
  • Sharapova vs Williams...
  • Junk- something you keep for years and throw away two weeks before you need it....
  • I think the FA should only tell Capello whether he's still manager 2 hours before the next England g...
  • Black players on the pitch for England - 4....
  • Some say that footballers deserve their ludicrous wages...
  • At school I was often accused of eavesdropping. ...
  • What do you get when you cross a Lampard shot with a disallowed goal?...
  • You know it's been a shit World Cup campaign when...
  • I'd like to think of an alternative to basil and sage, but I haven't got the Thyme....
  • Don't you just hate it when your newborn baby and your pet fox just don't get on?...
  • I went into my local chemist the other day, clutching my carrier bag and wandered over to the custom...
  • I think my friend is gay......
  • Plan for today: ...
  • I was at my local train station when I saw a sign saying "Wake Up To Rape"...
  • I went to my girlfriends parents for dinner after not seeing them for a few months. The mother opene...
  • Weather Forecast:...
  • Frank Lampard walks into a bar, sorry I meant sauntered into a bar, no actually I meant to say that ...
  • What's the difference between Wayne Rooney and an ambitious person?...
  • nothing says "i am a cunt"...
  • Lynx: because some women aren't worth showering for....
  • My wife said she's leaving me because my eye sight is shit and I can't see anything....
  • Not everyone in England was gutted by that game....
  • Despite that performance, I still believe there will be a lot of people continuing to wear the Engla...
  • What do you get when you cross a goal line, with a football? ...
  • What gets buried quicker than a crap joke on Sickipedia?...
  • You would have thought that Didier Drogba would have been tired after the World Cup....
  • Why didn't the chicken cross the road? ...
  • In the jungle, South African jungle...
  • So the Germans have said that England's "goal" being disallowed is fine and acceptable as ...
  • Why did the chicken cross the road? ...
  • I heard that the England team are flying into Glasgow International as they will at least get some a...
  • I was having a wank the other day, when I heard someone scream for help....
  • I just assaulted the boss of FIFA and it turns out I was being watched on CCTV....
  • No wonder Rooney's been scoring in training...
  • Fabio Capello walks into a bar....
  • If anyone missed the match and forgot to set their sky + you can easily recreate it by taking a dump...
  • These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court rep...
  • Why is it every time I open the kitchen cupboard the ginger is always miles away from all the other ...
  • I was stuck to my settee throughout the whole England game...
  • My mate asked me if I saw the England goal....
  • Message to Agent Capello:...
  • Africans finally have the chance to tell the English to go back to their own fucking country!...
  • Nothing says "fuck it" like bringing on Heskey....
  • Substituting Defoe for Heskey when you need goals?...
  • Stevie Wonder is said to be outraged. In a half-time interview he commented...
  • BBC Lineup if England had won....
  • I was out in the back garden today and caught some colour....
  • Seems the U.S team is not Ghana win tonight....
  • So I've got one of those new iPhones and it's not picking up any texts....
  • I bet Barack Obama is happy his country won last night....
  • So, has anyone else used InPrivate browsing for anything other than buying a secret gift for a loved...
  • Fabio Capello names the five penalty takers he's confident will score in the German match....
  • Do Korean restaurants serve "German Shepherd's Pie"?...
  • The England team are up against the old enemy this afternoon......
  • Im not a racist and i don't like writing racist jokes but they are about the only thing a black pers...
  • The German emblem is an eagle....
  • What is iPad?...
  • I got a job as a trainee chef at a residential care home and managed to get myself sacked on the fir...
  • I was fingering this bird today....
  • I'm a bit worried about my paki neighbours....
  • A Scottish mate just texted me '' come on the Germans ''. ...
  • What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Lego?...
  • What's the hardest thing in the world for a man to do?...
  • Go to Google...
  • I've just sped through a village at 120mph, drunk, killing a mother and child....
  • NIGGERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the ...
  • "May Contain Nuts"...
  • I love how the Americans are blaming British Petroleum for the oil spill even though it was an Ameri...
  • I think my girlfriend's really insensitive....
  • I've managed to run over 8 muslim women in the last 6 days.......
  • What's the first thing a cow does in the morning?...
  • Sky News: Recent studies have shown reports of child indecency have dropped an amazing 87% over the ...
  • Prince Harry met some children who'd been blown up by landmines....
  • It was a busy night at the Bulimic support clinic....
  • This joke was sent from inside the Channel Tunnel. ...
  • So Steve Jobs's fix for the new iPhone's signal problem is to "Just avoid holding it in that wa...
  • I've just been banned from eBay. Apparently...
  • When I was about 13, I accidentally jizzed all over the ladies underwear section of my Mother's Litt...
  • I'm eight and a half months pregnant and due on the day of the World Cup Final. My husband's told me...
  • When I was a kid my dad told me "I'm fucking sick of getting socks for my birthday!"...
  • Intention: Brilliant, weekday off work. Think I'll get up, maybe watch a bit of tv, get a cheeky pin...
  • BBC News: Housework cuts breast cancer risk....
  • Trick your penis into thinking it's having sex by shaking it vigorously whilst thinking of naked lad...
  • If Carlsberg just fucking focused on beer maybe it would taste nicer....
  • Did you hear about the band who were due to play a concert against teenage pregnancies?...
  • I got a fright from this chinese guy...
  • So Mahut and Isner have already played ten hours and the game has still not been settled....
  • I was in my garden relaxing when a passer-by called me "Scruffy council house scum"....
  • Why wouldn't Eva Braun give Adolf a blowjob?...
  • They say, "Crime doesn't pay."...
  • Apparently there's going to be a hosepipe ban because there isn't enough rain falling into the reser...
  • To all the fat cunts of America, I just got food poisoning from McDonald's and I'm blaming you....
  • Have you ever had an accident at work?...
  • Why do farmers always have to put their gates in the muddiest part of the field?...
  • What was the name of the first Paki in Britain?...
  • People reckon I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid)....
  • My girlfriend hates being woken up during the night when I need to take a piss....
  • A fake name......
  • My hats go off to those two tennis players who were involved in a marathon game that has broken hun...
  • I won't be having sex with my wife for the next 6 days...
  • My wife was getting ready to go out, then she said to me, "Do my tits look square to you?"...
  • Victoria Beckham goes up to David and says "I've just seen what's in the games room - why have ...
  • BBC News: Australia has it's first female PM....
  • BBC news reporter Gabby Logan to Jermain Defoe: ...
  • I found my 14 year old daughter's diary last night so I had to have a read through to see what was h...
  • I find jokes about the holocaust out of mein kampfert zone....
  • Is everyone else looking forward to 3pm as much as I am?...
  • When Thierry Henry was asked to explain why France were so poor...
  • There was some support for England from South Africans in the crowd today....
  • Well done England...
  • With Handonavic, Filekovic, Radosavljevic, Stevanovic and Novakovic playing for Slovenia, it just be...
  • 50°F...
  • I didn't doubt England for a minute....
  • England will give 120% today...
  • When I found out my new toaster wasn't waterproof...
  • Dizzee Rascal is the nation's hero today after scoring the goal which secured England's place in the...
  • I hate it when my daughter brings that ginger cunt home from school...
  • BBC News: 'Sixty dead' in Congo train crash...
  • Nothing says ''I'm going to wank over your facebook pictures'' like asking for a girls surname....
  • Rooney, Gerrard, Lampard and Terry. You've got a big day tomorrow. Get some fucking sleep. ...
  • What do you call a nigger engulfed in flames....
  • Don't you hate it when you're just falling asleep and you suddenly think 'Did I bury her deep enough...
  • This world cup is working out like WW2 - France have forfeited...
  • I've been kicked off my Internet dating site for lying....
  • I'm starting to think that my grandmother could do better than Wayne Rooney. ...
  • BBC News: 'Dutch sub to fight Somali pirates'...
  • Osama Bin Laden has appeared in his latest video claiming the England football team are shit. ...
  • I had to do a presentation on children's playground equipment....
  • They say domestic violence goes up by 40% when the World Cup is on....
  • My wife said she's leaving me because she thinks I'm gay....
  • If you look on youporn or pornotube...
  • 50 Cent's real name is Arthur Dollar....
  • A minutes silence will take place today to celebrate the lives of the North Korean football team....
  • I asked Fabio Capello if he thought England would go 4-4-2 today. He said "No...
  • What's wrong with you Yanks?...
  • BBC News: Man lucky to be alive after being hit by train....
  • "When God closes a door, he opens a window."...
  • SKY SPORTS NEWS: "England fan that got into dressing room to go on trial on Friday"...
  • My wife was in the bath last night, and told me she was leaving me because I was inconsiderate and w...
  • The Vuvuzela.... Because Black people simply weren't quite irritating enough...
  • The new government are increasing VAT to 20%. Yeah we'll have to pay more...
  • I'm Madeleine McCann...
  • I'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls....
  • Why oh why do people not poof read stuff before posting?...
  • BBC News: "Teaching stroke patients to sing 'rewires' their brain, helping them recover."...
  • A few weeks ago I went out and bought Bad Company on the Xbox. Now this was a really big step for me...
  • "RAPISTS SHOULD BE HUNG"...
  • I was having a kick-about with my mates the other day. None of us are any good at football...
  • Who's seen the movie "Up"?...
  • I used to hate P.E at school. I had a pretty big cock and was embarrassed to take the group shower a...
  • Isn't it ironic that fat girls are the easiest to pick up ?...
  • Did you know that diarrhea can actually kill you? Even if you only drink a little bit....
  • Carlsberg don't do World Cup winners....
  • What's the difference between the England team performance and Emile Heskey's hand?...
  • What have North Korea and Maddie McCann got in common?...
  • What's long and black?...
  • If you believe in creation as espoused in the Bible, then Adam and Eve's children would actually hav...
  • "The iPad is: more books than you can read in a lifetime."...
  • Suicide is never the answer....
  • To all the poor England fans who have bought an England flag for the world cup...
  • I'm not racist....
  • My girlfriend was sent to jail for manslaughter, I thought it was very harsh....
  • None of my illegitimate sons sent me a card today....
  • Happy father's day...
  • Rating up your own joke's on Sickipedia is like wearing your wifes clothes when shes out,...
  • Apparently, Nigerian midfielder Sani Kaita has had over 1,000 emails threatening him with his death ...
  • I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home....
  • I normally get on with Paki's....
  • "New York hosts Red Bull Air Race for first time"...
  • John Terry said "If we can't be honest...
  • I hate watching Ivory Coast matches with my gran....
  • Golden shower? ...
  • Gerrard and Lampard work about as well together as Katie Price and Dwight Yorke's DNA!...
  • I see a lot of jokes from Sickipedia get lifted, and posted as Facebook status updates. I'm going to...
  • I think it's fairly easy to guess Slovenia's tactics to beat England....
  • Me & my brother pulled a couple of cracking birds last night....
  • To all those women who watch the football and shout "pass it to Frank" or "bring Joe ...
  • Behind every successful woman there is a bloke who has just told her how to do it 3 times....
  • I'm so racist, whenever I tan I start self-harming....
  • Skrtel has not been playing well for Slovakia. Just be patient imagine how good he'll be when he evo...
  • BBC News ..'Fan who entered England dressing room was just looking for toilet'.......
  • Whom are the England team going to meet after the first round of the World Cup?...
  • I was speaking to my friend today and asked him "If I fucked your Mum, would it make us enemies...
  • TOP 5 BEST "FUCKS" EVER:...
  • Guys, I'm fucking sick of this...
  • Well it's that time of year again when the £80 a week I invest in child maintenence finally pa...
  • Dear Sickipedia,...
  • I was just playing as England on FIFA World Cup 2010 on the PS3 and was shocked at how realistic it ...
  • At least I'll be getting rid of this shit beard come Wednesday...
  • EXPERIENCE playing alongside Emile Heskey by ...
  • And those with good taste...
  • When someone rings the doorbell...
  • French striker Nicolas Anelka is to be sent home after swearing at team coach Raymond Domenech....
  • I was watching the new Shrek film last night....
  • Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didnt break into the dressing room after all but was ...
  • Just seen the new Shrek film...
  • Carlsberg don't do gingers...
  • Dear Gloucestershire Council...
  • Did anyone catch the England score last night as I missed it. By accident...
  • Breaking News - All 23 members of England's World Cup Squad have been diagnosed as Autistic....
  • I got diagnosed with the Rob Green disease today....
  • My mum came second in the women's refuge annual talent contest. ...
  • 60,000 barrels of oil a day....
  • Alcoholic trying to quit?...
  • That wasn't vuvuzelas...
  • England....
  • I'm gutted....
  • If you can't beat 'em . . . . join the England squad...
  • The Referee from the Germany match has described today as the best day since his Bar Mitzvah....
  • I don't know why everyone is criticising Heskey...
  • Just bought a black head remover...
  • When ITV HD said showing adverts when England score will never happen again...
  • Fabio Capello should use the same rules used by sickipedia to encourage the England team....
  • You know your team is shit when the highlight of the game was a bird sitting on the goal....
  • I once built a time machine. ...
  • Irony: the incessant irritating drone of people complaining about vuvuzelas....
  • 3 hours of football played and Rob Green is still our top scorer....
  • 3 hours of football played and Rob Green is still our top scorer....
  • I can't believe we only managed a draw against a shit team we should easily have beaten....
  • What's the difference between a paedophile and a terrorist?...
  • I always leave the price stickers on the presents I buy from the pound shop to show people how littl...
  • Fabio Capello saw a ginger kid kicking a ball up against a wall and asked if he wanted to go and pla...
  • Match of the Day - Slovenia 2-0 USA at half-time....
  • Mick McCarthy,commenting on refereeing decisions"Germany must think the World is against them.&...
  • Hermaphrodite's are cocky cunts....
  • That bird is fairly safe sitting on the goal....
  • I took my missus out for dinner the other night but all she wanted to do was play footsie under the ...
  • The Guardian: Researchers found that obese adults had less sex and more erection problems....
  • Watching the USA World Cup game: ...
  • What is it with people these days, posting jokes that don't even make sense?...
  • Just seen a Paki wearing an England football shirt..........
  • Dear France,...
  • Why is everybody having a go at Venezuela? ...
  • China Has Announced Its New Paraplegic Olympics Team They Are Called...
  • France are now fighting for survival and hoping another country helps them out....
  • cyalta wrote:...
  • It makes a nice change for the oil to be invading America for once....
  • What do you call a Frenchman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?...
  • I was squatting in a flat the other day when the owner walked in....
  • Nigeria team - 11 black players.. Nigeria manager - White...
  • My sex life has gone so bad my wet dreams consist of me having a wank....
  • Looks like France will be going home early after that World Cup defeat....
  • So things happen in 3s. Switzerland beat Spain yesterday...
  • You know things have got bad when the only thing you're looking forward to in summer is girls postin...
  • Asked a girl on the train if she knew what 2 plus 2 was....
  • That constant droning noise on the football is so fucking annoying....
  • It really annoys me when McDonalds put chips in my salt....
  • I love how camping sites now have free wi-fi....
  • i sometimes use phrases that i dont understand...
  • What did Adolf Hitler do that Emile Heskey can't?...
  • The History Channel+1....
  • England will be playing Algeria on Friday evening. ...
  • I logged on to Youporn last night for a cheeky wank....
  • People wonder why ships are reffered to as "she" when the answer's obvious. As soon as the...
  • Thank heavens for Uruguay....
  • When meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time it's hard not to think to yourself......
  • Sex was the last thing on my mind this week as I knew she was on the blob....
  • The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher whe...
  • Entertainment news 'Rapper Dappy of N-Dubz says he routinely gives false information to police' ... ...
  • Karen Gillian says that you'll need tissues for the finale of Doctor Who....
  • Friday 18th of June, don't miss it! A war between two nations! England and Algeria! ...
  • When I was in junior school I was suspended for fingering a girl behind the bike shed. Now my son is...
  • What do you get for scoring in Africa?...
  • My friend said to me, "My wife makes Susan Boyle look beautiful."...
  • Statistically, Japan have scored more goals for England than Heskey....
  • My recent trip to France did nothing to shake their reputation as cowardly surrender monkeys....
  • Friday, 18th of June. Don't miss the war of 2 nations, England v Algeria....
  • No wonder those guys who played Brazil tonight lost...
  • I only saw one race at Royal Ascot today....
  • Do women with big tits have faces?...
  • My hi-fi`s black and doesn`t work. ...
  • Sex is so awesome......
  • Edgar Davids....
  • I dunno what you lot are talking about...
  • Headline: Obama: US oil leak is ''like 9/11''...
  • A Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack, ...
  • Heskey: "I had an open goal but still I didn't score. I could kick myself."...
  • I saw a black man walking along earlier....
  • My wife barely notices the racket all those vuvuzelas make throughout the World Cup matches....
  • I took my car for a service yesterday....
  • Why did Robert Green cross the road?...
  • Today in Africa someone dies every 3 seconds....
  • My heavily-pregnant girlfriend complained...
  • The Sickipedia 'Circle of Life':...
  • I was disgusted after just reading a joke about licking your own sisters fanny....
  • Rob Green is said to be devastated after his performance on Saturday...
  • The Vuvuzela. The most useless...
  • I recently found out that the repetitive annoying noise in the stadiums isn't vuvuzelas....
  • I tried to go swimming with a dolphin, yesterday....
  • So, all the niggers in Africa have been buying trumpets with their food aid money, and it was pissi...
  • "Barack Obama compares oil spill to 9/11"...
  • I saw an ad in the TV guide asking "Are You Smarter Than A Ten-Year-Old?" ...
  • Instead of spending £35 on dry cleaning my shirt, I donated it to the Heart Foundation....
  • brrrrrrrrrrrrrdddss wrote...
  • Why should you never wear Ukrainian boxer shorts?...
  • I told my friend I don't think they should ban the vuvuzela's, people are just racist, let the South...
  • My wife called me an annoying cunt the other day....
  • I am so sick of people bombarding me with their stupid Facebook and Twitter updates about every stup...
  • Paddy is booking into a guest house and looking around the reception when he notices a sign on the w...
  • If he's learning Kung-Fu...
  • Rob Green has trained today and in 3 hours he had 4...
  • Paul Gascoigne is a mentally unstable alcoholic and regular drug user...
  • ITV Commentator: "The Germans are at it again"....
  • Yesterday I came home to find my wife lying naked on bed pleasuring herself. ...
  • Did you hear about that black guy who was accused of theft but then later acquitted?...
  • Some people need a religion...
  • I got sacked from the school I work at today, apparantly my approach to sex education was "too ...
  • I was getting bored of telling my wife how fat she is so I bought her a device that does it for me....
  • How do you confuse Emile Heskey?...
  • Jack Bauer from 24 is so unrealistic...
  • I don't understand why the Americans keep complaining about this oil spill....
  • Shame Ireland aren't in the World Cup....
  • What goes "Black, black, black, black, black"?...
  • Funny the Yanks celebrating a tie - they never celebrated that tie they got against North Vietnam...
  • Good morning beautiful breasts of my neighbour. How did you get inside these binoculars?...
  • Apparently there has been a massive increase in theft and violent crime in South Africa during the w...
  • The German football player Muller is not too good at shooting,...
  • Oh, so you're starving are you? Well stop spending my donations on annoying plastic trumpets, and bu...
  • If sex is such good exercise...
  • Footballer Muller has a record for the most world cup goals ever... ...
  • New York Post:...
  • Robert Green....
  • Rob Green is going to have to tolerate all the jokes being made about him....
  • Three days ago we woke to the news that Nelson Mandela's 13 year-old great-granddaughter had been ki...
  • Went to the chemist for some condoms......
  • Just said to my kids, "Right you two, guess who's getting no dinner tonight..."...
  • The last time I saw this many footballing jokes I was watching the Scotland squad trying to qualify....
  • What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill? ...
  • In the name of honesty I think Justin Bieber should change his last name to Barrassing....
  • Top Tip for England's next game:...
  • Watching the World Cup is a lot like being married....
  • England Goalkeeper Rob Green walked into the dressing room at full time...
  • What's the difference between Robert Green and Hitler?...
  • Coming on Sickipedia after a wank is like having a cigarette after sex....
  • Robert Green... now that's one spill the Americans won't complain about...
  • It wasn't the sound of clapping you heard when USA scored...
  • I bet Green wishes his gloves were sticky like Seaman....
  • What does Robert Green and Nelson Mandela's Great Granddaughter have in common?...
  • My computer has just been infected with the "Rob Green Virus"......
  • My dad said to me "you selfish boy!"...
  • Rob Green couldn't even catch aids in that country he's that shit!...
  • It's not that easy being green....
  • That was great....
  • The worst thing about giving your favourite girl a facial is wiping off the monitor afterwards....
  • If only John Terry had shagged Robert Green's bird....
  • After Heinze's goal...
  • I think I finally understand the offside rule! If that black guy touches the ball...
  • Steven Gerrard says, "The whole team is behind Rob Green."...
  • What's the difference between Rob Green and Justin Bieber?...
  • There's only going to be one winner in tonight's England v USA match....
  • Here's hopin' that the England United shoot some totally awesome strikes past the goaltender in the ...
  • Patient: "Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains."...
  • South Korea just made a substitution......
  • The best thing since sliced bread is my wife filling it and bringing it to me....
  • Pretending you don't like football can have its advantages; I've already fucked my best mate's wife....
  • Just opened some cheese to find a picture of a cock engraved on it....
  • What's brown and sticky?...
  • What do you call a Nazi in a ridiculous pointy hat? ...
  • I have just won Orange employee of the year at work....
  • Drug dealers - Simply hide your drugs in the rear end of your pet dog...
  • My mate just poured gravy all over his chips....
  • I hear that France's all white football kit was made out of left over flags....
  • South Africa - 1...
  • Why bother with names on shirts...
  • Do you like hot women that scream in bed?...
  • You can tell the World Cup is in Africa...
  • Doctor Who is a bit far fetched....
  • I've come up with a fantastic money making idea; I'm buying blank DVD's in bulk and selling them off...
  • I thought my mate was a big England supporter when i saw a huge red cross on his door...
  • Instruction to South Africans: Honk if you have AIDS....
  • What's 7 inches long and fucks prostitutes?...
  • Quote in paper: 'South African team have to go out and prove they are men today' ...
  • So, Burger King are marketing their new fried chicken burger with the slogan "You'll feel like ...
  • Tortillas for dinner! As a way of celebrating Mexico's world cup participation. ...
  • Last night I drank enough to knock out a large horse....
  • Isn't it ironic that the staff at my local BP garage got really irritated when some oil leaked out o...
  • I fell out of a 600 story building and lived....
  • I'm not going to watch the World Cup opening ceremony....
  • Nothing says i'm having a wank like banging on my neighbours door with a toilet roll in my hand and ...
  • South Africa sounds like a scary, dangerous place with all the rapists, paedophiles and drug addicts...
  • So the latest advertisement for Big Brother has gone on telly....
  • Things not to say in a taxi:...
  • Being a pornstar is brilliant......
  • A notice on the back of a tube of Colgate toothpaste says 'We do not make toothpaste for anyone else...
  • My girlfriend said to me the other day "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains and men...
  • The US Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day....
  • One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed....
  • I played the wife at Pictionary today....
  • David Cameron on putting an England flag outside Downing street:...
  • It must be hard for a women to be raped....
  • I love spending my Sundays sat watching the F1....
  • Your queuing in Primark. Girl in front of you doesnt have her purse, to your dismay you realise you ...
  • Don't get dumped if you live near the Gulf of Mexico....
  • At the World Cup from tomorrow there's a thin line between success and failure....
  • My girlfriend said she wanted something 9" long...
  • What's big, Scottish and depressing?...
  • Nothing says "I've had a wank" like being chased out of the playground by angry parents....
  • I was standing in a bar in Bradford minding my own business the other day...
  • I've just watched twenty minutes of 'traffic cops' on Dave, featuring an horrific five car pile-up i...
  • I was reading an article about early Big Brother shows and was surprised to learn that in series 3, ...
  • The wife said, "I'm fed up of feeling fat."...
  • A girl asked me, "If you were stranded on a desert island with one person in the world, who wou...
  • England v USA, Kick off 19.30...
  • Dear America,...
  • Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old?...
  • I recently subscribed to SKY TV. They sent a man round to my house in order to set up the satellite....
  • In a cave, I found pictures of women's breasts, but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me....
  • Say what you want about Back To The Future being unrealistic...
  • I'm an American, yet I greatly enjoy reading the anti-American jokes here on Sickipedia, because I k...
  • I was amazed to see a Chav getting touched up by a Polish pervert today as I walked down my road....
  • My boss is a right cunt, he always turns up late and absolutely ...
  • I've got 4 saint george flags on my car....
  • The former Nazi concentration camp of Auschwitz has been re-opened as a tourist attraction and memor...
  • Dear Leona,...
  • starting pistols are banned from the 2012 olympics as the french competitors run in the wrong direct...
  • I saw on the Discovery channel that some lizards can stay underwater for 5 minutes....
  • It's because of my bouts of heavy drinking that I keep making a bloody mess of my life....
  • In my opinion, there's absolutely no disappointment in life greater than running out of piss JUST be...
  • I went down the local fair last night and they had one of those things you have to punch as hard as ...
  • Aaah now I get it. ...
  • I'm a Ginger and have just been diagnosed with schizophrenia....
  • I find it difficult to count in Roman numerals until the number 159....
  • Testimony from a taxi driver shot by Mr Bird stated that "When I was shot in the back, my army ...
  • My wife ate some peanuts last night and suffered a violent reaction....
  • The Offside Rule....
  • Piracy is killing the music industry. ...
  • I got chased by "The Special Olympics 100metre sprint team" and I couldn't get away....
  • To all the people who said that I'd never be able to write a joke about Bukkake...
  • 'The Iron Lady returns to No 10'...
  • You know its gonna be a crap 'your mum' joke when it says 'mom' instead of 'mum'....
  • My wife was killed yesterday, I'll never forget her last words......
  • Note to self:...
  • American Journalist: It's people like Derrick Bird that make you wonder when Britain will re-introdu...
  • A teacher at the school for obese children has been sacked for taking cocaine....
  • Dear Agony Aunt...
  • Today was the worst day ever....
  • If you want a key cut, go to that bloke in the High Street....
  • I said to my mate, "My wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages."...
  • Blind people see it...
  • There's a rumour going around that the police have said you're not allowed to wear England shirts in...
  • I bought some of that Emo wallpaper....
  • France has had to recall thousands of flags for the World Cup after they were mistakenly printed wit...
  • I got arrested today and when told "Anything you say will be held against you"...
  • Never have a motto....
  • Nothing turns me on more than knee high socks....
  • My mate asked me if I wanted to do a fun run....
  • What's green with brown on top? ...
  • My wife died because she got hit by a bus today, and now I'm very upset....
  • BP have released a statement saying they want Twitter to shut down the fake account that is mocking ...
  • I was on Facebook pretending to be a 14 year old boy...
  • Nothing says 'I've got a drug addiction' quite like standing outside cash converters with a PS1 in a...
  • I saved my daughter from choking this morning....
  • Fox News: We got two of 'em...
  • My daughter came downstairs wearing a low-cut top that showed off her ample cleavage, and a short sk...
  • Osama Bin Laden's son, Omar, was refused entry to the UK to marry his British fiancee. ...
  • In North Western England I was raised...
  • MSN News : Fox Attack On Twins 'A Nightmare'....
  • Remember that thing we had before "Health and Safety" came along?...
  • Well, that's the last time I get in a Cumbrian taxi and 'call shotgun'....
  • The citizens of Cumbria think they're unlucky...
  • Rio Ferdinand: "So doctor, is the knee looking any better after the second scan?" ...
  • After a night on the piss in Whitehaven I threw up in a taxi this morning....
  • Germany wins Eurovision then four days later an old WWII bomb explodes "unexpectedly"....
  • If you hit me at 40mph there's around an 80% chance I'll die. Hit me at 30mph and there's around an ...
  • 12 dead 25 injured...
  • Robert De Niro, Taxi Driver, 1976. ...
  • England players, protect yourself from Emile Heskey by disguising yourself as a goal...
  • Iron Man is a superhero....
  • This new "in private" browsing mode in Internet Explorer is rubbish...
  • I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache.&quo...
  • My wife said to me, "I've just heard some great news, apparently the police know who the local ...
  • I said to my girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very ...
  • In the news; "Woman arrested for killing her kids whilst on holiday in Spain"....
  • Unbelievable. Tories in power for less than half an hour and already a Scottish family is unemployed...
  • American scientists have finally developed a car that runs on water!...
  • I saw an Indian asleep on the train...
  • For anyone who missed Eurovision, here's what songs were played:...
  • Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape....
  • A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide....
  • A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors an...
  • So here I am in the Internet Cafe with the biggest fucking nigger I've ever seen reading every word ...
  • I'm not racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people....
  • Statistically 9/11 Americans won't get this....
  • This is for you, Sarah:...
  • I was shagging the wife last night and, after cumming for the second time, I rolled over....
  • An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane....
  • I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my children!"...
  • A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once....
  • FOX NEWS: Babies Taste Great....
  • I can't believe it. Me and my wife were sitting watching TV when the founder of Apple just walked in...
  • Can't wait to see Cloverfield tonight...
  • Tips on how to masturbate;...
  • I'm really confused....
  • The police originally announced that Derrick Bird shot himself dead....
  • I was taking a piss in the toilet when I saw a message that read,...
  • A study out today found that the average person has lost an hour of sleep at night during the recess...
  • What do you get if you cross Tim Westwood with Downs Syndrome?...

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